Different Blog

We felt it would be better if we left Nic's blog as intact as we could so we'll be doing any future postings about Nic on a blog our sister, Izzy made, http://izzy-dreams.blogspot.com/

Oh the pendulum how she swings...

In the Middle Ages the allegorical representation of fortune was a woman spinning a wheel. Cupid was a huge warrior archer who literally struck you down with his arrows- cooler than a chubby baby with wings? maybe. But back to fortune, the idea is you go up the wheel get your 15 mins of fame then eventually you are thrown off by "fickle lady fortune". And I think its very hard to get back on that damn wheel. I think I fell off the wheel a long time ago, probably once highschool ended or when my mother passed. But I have adopted the pendulum swing or rollercoaster to represent my situation - so I have little victories like the award I got. That made me so happy.

But you know it is about seeing the gift in everything really. Cancer as a catalyst for soul growth, a cough as a...no fuck coughs. I have these huge coughing fits that spit up lovely amounts of phlegm...at least the antibiotic I am on seems to be working to clear up the cough or "pnuemonia". Big scary names, nothing more than words, labels. I kid about the cough, it has brought up a lot for me and not just physically hehhe. It is a trigger for buried stuff to come up.

I had probably the biggest release of my life a few nights ago. I was again talking about my mom's death and I just burst into tears and wailed at how unfairly we treated her as she did our laundry and dishes and for 4-5 years we were stuck in a computer world. We missed out on so much of her and I was enraged and sad and so fucking pissed and I just bellowed it all out. My dad and lee were there too comforting me. I had never seen that side of myself and I liked it. Of course, eventually I pulled myself out of it, saw it all as just the illusion, sent myself love, smiled to lee and my dad and thanked the guides for the good cry. I hope to have another soon.

On a happier note I got a new computer chair and its so comfortable I fell asleep on it the first night :) Cancer is staying nice and low, kind of taken a seat for now it seems, which is good cuz im dealing with antibiotics right now, ugh.

Best Leukemia Blog of 2010!!!

Dear Nicman1001,

Congratulations! Sarah here, and your blog, Cancer: A Spiritual Journey,
was determined to be one of the best blogs to exude overall brilliance. And
so, it has received our 2010 Top 50 Leukemia Blogs award presented by
Medical Billing and Coding!

---------------------------------------

Man oh man! What an incredible honor!! Speak from the heart, from truth and reap the rewards!

Sir Nic

When the physical fails...

The morning of hospital visits are always the most challenging because you're at your lowest. Like this morning for example I couldn't even walk and we have like 20 steps outfront our house. I made it to our front door and we realized it wasn't going to work. So my dad says "get on my back" and at first I was a bit hesitant - I think that we will just topple and all the kings horses and all the kings men... So I hop on his back anyway, and by hop I mean flop on to his back and away we go. One step "hooly shit" next step, and the next, lol my dad had the utmost confidence and I was just blown away by how strong he is haha. Or how light I am. Shit.

So we get to the bottom and he makes a break for the car and I cant stop laughing at the sight. I was just holding on for dear life while my long legs are dangling away as we cut across are neighborhood like some refugees. Hopefully nobody saw us! Imagine seeing that with your morning coffee.

So we made it to the car and all was well. It was actually really fun. I love my dad.

BEING ME pt2.

Pneumonia? Oh yea, turns out I have it now. I was in the room with my dad and our good friend Ann when we got the news. My dad started crying and held me and Ann took off to call people to announce the "horrible horrible news". Nobody else even noticed the cancer count had been cut in half! I consoled my dad but of course I couldn't cry really I just kinda smiled. Guess what people I had pneumonia when I first got admitted and it cleared up. Ah well people need their crises and tragedy, why else do we watch the news? Always nice to see the support that rolls in too. So I think we established I had a bad cough (no shit).

But this cough is energy, your left nipple is energy, pneumonia is an energy. On one coughing fit I angrily bellowed "THIS IS NOT MY GRIEF TO CARRY" and then it stopped. Apparently we all carry a lot of baggage from our family histories and in my family there is a lot of unfelt, untouched grief being passed down the generations. From time when it wasn't "OK" to cry, or not proper. So stating those words that needed to be said helps to break those ties and well, it gave me some peaceful breathing.

Violent coughing and no platelets is your nose going "what the hell asshole i am trying to patch things up in here and you keep rocking the boat! violently!" And when it does patch things up sort of...you end up with massive globules of blood in your mouth, its all just horrible. So that was the worst night of my life. Tore up the back of my throat real good, woke up with a mouthful of blood on more than one occasion, but still there were some good lessons learned.

So I am slowly coming out of all that nonsense, strength is returning, snagging a few extra bags of blood tomorrow, should be feeling great for the weekend. Life is truly a pendulum, swinging from one extreme to the other. I am proud to say I remained a constant as my world shifted around me, as my body collapsed around me, and now as I climb back into the light I will remain the constant.

BEING ME

Last tuesday they started me on an antibiotic called Vanco for short. Comes along with a nice fuckin little pump I have to be attached to until the next hospital visit. Anyway, as the week goes along I feel an unusual hotness around my face and I just shrug it off as usual and get shit down like normal (well a little more relaxed cuz of the healing).

One of those things included going to a very cool studio and recording my vocals for this lullaby-esque song about the profound bond formed between mother and newborn and the impossible promise how no harm will ever come to the baby ever. I was a little nervous at first and in practice couldnt land the first note, which has never been a problem for me, but I overcame it and come showtime I was epic. I told myself, "this was your idea, just do it Nic" and I stepped into the recording area.

They loved my voice! The producer who owns the studio even gave me more work to do for the song, he wants me to write my own verse, in a kind of free style . I jotted down some stuff already, gonna kinda wing it...keep it raw...it's really really fun stuff. Cyn is working on her albums right now so that is how I had this connection. We sound quite good together together if I say so, and the producer, Matt (other baldy), was really cool and helped you get as comfortable as possible.

So later that day, Sharon who I was hanging with...or who was babysitting me...whatever, was really starting to get worried about how hot I was getting. I am used to seeing Sharon be a little overprotective and I told her she was just fussing over nothing. Nevertheless I took my temp and it was really high. 39.9 to be exact and I felt fine of course but that was a little troubling to me. Then it hit me, I had just finished a dose of Vanco. The powerful antibiotic they were giving me was spiking my temp ,then as it left my sysem my temp would calm down again. I was faced with an option again; keep taking the hits and spiking or take action as I have in the past and "bleed the bitch". Whatever, I stuck with it and tolerated the next two doses.

So, I get the hospital and well you know what im really getting way too bored explaining all this so ill make this really short:

I WAS TIRED
CANCER WAS HIGH
GOT CHEMO
CHEMO + ANTIBIOTICS = BYE PLATELETS INSTANTLY AND HELLO BLEEEEEDING GUMS AND NOSE.
CHEMO + ANTIBIOTICS = MASSIVE WEAKNESS
ENTER MASSIVE AND ANNOYING DRY COUGH

So ya this cough is like nothing before and it keeps me up, cough cough cough cough cough cough gag breath cough cough cough cough gag *waiting for that point where it calms down* brings me to points of vomiting (not that anything comes up) and the worst part is, its dry, not getting anything out of it. UGH! There was no stopping in sight. what it WAS bringing up is a very irritated nasal capillieries I work up the courage and call my dad at 4am and ask for some really powerful cough syrup. As soon as I do that the cough instantly stops.

All I had to, all it wanted me to, was to speak up for myself. I had cough candies but they are just little fixes dont do anything really. My dad of course is totally ready to help and he flies to the nearest 24 hr store and then spends much of the rest of the night with me. I just had that old combo pop up 1) you deserve to suffer, 2) don't bother your dad he won't love you as much, 3)me so lazy, 4) just be a man. So I got over all that shit and spoke my truth, what I needed. Cough vanishes. He goes to the 24 hr shoppers and finds one for me.This shit is supposed to last 12 hrs and it lasts 1 at most. Whatever, what is more important is the realization that this cough is hugely energetic so I used it as such. And it began to really calm down from that night on, there are of course still episodes of cough where i'm uncontrollably caught in a cycle of omg plz make it stop but its much much better.

Oh god too much writing, lot more to come.

quick note

Hey everyone,
I am sorry I havn't posted anything in a long time I have just been wayy too busy in every way imagineable and in some ways that just include being stuck in bed. Hopefully soon I can post about the wedding, the second energy session from Brazil, and all the craziness afterwards.

Fearless

It is easy to get caught up in the fear of life. Whether you are fighting for your life or just going to an interview. Everyone deals with fear in their own way. But imagine a world where you did not feel fear anymore. You could face and approach any circumstance in peace, joy, confidence. Instead of the fear there would be compassion and unconditional love for all things.

You would live mostly in the moment because future and past are often just used to fuel fears. Being entirely in the moment frees you to reach your full potential because there isn't always a voice reminding you of past "failures" or projecting disapointing futures into your mind. Being in this state of love you will influence those around you and like a flock of birds reacting to a predator groups of humans will begin to take off, transform, transcend.

I love the beginning of Eckhart Tolle's book A New Earth where he describes the enlightenment of plants. He talks about how at some point plants didn't flower at all, but then one does and it triggers a plant enlightenment as each plant begins to flower as time goes on. It's much more awesome the way he describes it, if you're in a bookstore have a peak at the intro.



Cynthia told me about someone she knows, a thirteen year old, who has been diagnosed with exactly the same Leukemia signs as I showed at the start of my journey. I can't imagine what a powerful soul she must be to take on such a challenge at so young an age. I send her so much love and dedicate this post to her. Humans are beginning to ascend to transform, to be reborn. We lead the way with our tough paths which force us to face all this challenge so early in life. May we find the peace of fearlessness and the bliss of unconditional love.

http://www.youtube.com/user/LOVELINESWG#p/u/3/sumjW_POPVg

Hiding Under The Blankets

I always put a brave face on but recently I have been plagued by such doubts, such fears, on a level not experienced yet. The episodes of fear are often very intense but very quick. I just had a big one move through. I can usually make them move but there is an ocean of reserve it seems. On one hand it's great and powerful stuff to work with but man..

You see, I am holding desperately on to the belief that I can still beat this somehow. But with every hospital visit, every day, we seem to approach an end that is becoming more and more "real". Theres a line from a song that says, "Life is just a deathbound train" or something and that damn line keeps repeating in my head. People who are in great fear drive me nuts and I am pissing myself off lately with how much I am being influenced by it, but hey I am just a man.

When it comes to support on one side I have the medical personnel who really don't help much. They are all really excellent and nice people but all their faith is in the medicine that is slowly but surely failing. They say "don't give up" but then tell you how the latest chemo doesn't work anymore.

On the other hand I have my family, friends, people like Cynthia - my spiritual support - who are always there and give me the hope I need to keep going without falling into complete darkness. I am living event to event right now. I have a wedding tomorrow that I have been using as a goal to get to, and after this wedding is another, then my birthday, then christmas all are just becoming markers that I hope to reach. That's no healthy way to live but I am right now, writing this has helped me realize I probably need to change that attitude but it just happens naturally when you're this close to death.

I have had visions and dreams of the cure for cancer, or maybe the cure for my cancer, involving death. I can't remember if I wrote about it but one dream about the cure for cancer was about patients dying then being brought back to life - cancer free. What is most important for me right now is to just become completely comfortable with death, be at peace with it, completely surrendered to it's "power" and happy to experience it. Perhaps then, if I do die, on the other side I will be met with an option to return to my body or to go home. What would I as a soul choose? Embodied as I am right now the choice is easy, but who knows when you become your highest evolved self. Ah its all just fun conjecture anyway.

This wedding should be a lot of fun, hope my energy holds out! Bye for now...

Still In The Woods

Alas, latest count check showed that the cancer is still present, LKC was at 18 (a bit too high). The healing session with the guides was incredible but I did have a feeling that I wasn't quite done with Leukemia yet. I will know when that time comes and then it is time for the knight to lose this lady. Or die trying. Haha.

The healing felt a lot like it was laying down foundations for future work, perhaps my own, or maybe in preparation for an actual visit to Brazil where I can get the healing in person. Who can say really, it is all too complex and far beyond our mortal minds to try and understand the intricacies of a soul's journey.

All I must do is keep doing what I do. Feel what comes and work with it. Keep punching fear in the face until it is so disfigured it won't make a reappearance. Continue to see illusion in that which seems so incredibly real and thus shattering it's power over me. And of course ultimately surrendering entirely to the whole situation, because in that act you are stating that you are unafraid, that you are not caught in the illusion, and that you are divinity. Surrender is the key, thats what they tell me. I know I havn't reached that point yet and so I knew I wasn't done with cancer. Going for the Fleece!

But we ask you to reach toward surrender
even as you continue the battle
for this is the prize
this is the chalice
this is the Golden Fleece

Be free first
beautiful heart
and then all
will be well.

p.s. I actually just got a sheep skin blanket to lie on and it is soooo comfortable hahaha. Last time I lay on one was when I was a newborn. I recommend them for all. I also wear it on my shoulders and walk around like a barbarian. Win.

50th post: Miracles Do Happen

It's hard to sit down and write this when all I wanna do is celebrate. Luckily for you guys I have low energy today. About four hours ago I witnessed a miracle, a real, actual, physically present and printed miracle. On my blood count printout was a completely healthy lkc (white blood cell) count. Back on tuesday it was 22, which is decent, chemo got that down from 44. They offered me more chemo, because that dose was now out of my system, but I said no and decided to wait till friday to see how it was.

I was expecting it to be high. Past experience has shown cancer growth to be exponential; 22 goes to 44 then to 88 then to boom boom pow my veins are exploding, if you let it keep going. I still felt ok at 220 count, digesting got harder, but other than that just big veins. White count today was 3.7 - a good and healthy number. Now, whether or not that is still cancer or healthy white cells I don't know but what do I do know is that that number was achieved without chemo of any type. There was no left over chemo in my system from back when I had some, they actually gave me a "rescue" to help rid my system of it after it had done it's job. In addition my hemoglobin went up and platelets held their ground for once in a long time. Something knocked the cancer out of my body and that something was extremely powerful energy healing.

Herein lies my experience of the healing I experienced July 22, 2010:

Some of you may have heard of Joao de Deus down in Brazil by now, theres fundraising being done to send me to see him. I don't wanna go into details about him you can check out his site / google him. He is the world's most powerful healer since Jesus they say and I got an hour of his time! Since I couldn't fly right now, our contact to his people, organised for me a long-distance session with his guides. Joao, or John, channels thirty or so spirit doctors or guides who heal the very ill.

6:45 am: chow down some yogurt for breakfast and dress all in white (helps the guides see your energy fields). Not allowed any electronic devices for 24 hrs.

7:00 am: lie down on my back and cross my arms over my chest - right hand over my heart because it's leukemia, left over right. Immediately I got hit with a chest pain, a muscle spasmed on my right side and I had sharp pain if I breathed in too much, still I focused on the healing session. It was my job now to allow the guides access to my being. So I saw them fly in, come next to me and stand around my body. I could sense my mom was present but behind my field of vision and Joao even made an appearance in his human body at the foot of my "bed".

next 45 mins or so: I see the guides get to work, each one working on various parts of my body. I decide to incorporate the pain in my chest as part of the healing and relate it to possibly the old and now dead subconscious belief I used to have that I didn't deserve to breathe, to live. I feel that old painful thought and let it go. It also brought me a little fear, I was kind of freaking out at one point where it really started to hurt to keep holding my arms over my chest, but similarly I got that to move and calmed myself again.

I had two main visions from this point on. The first was so amazing I tingle just thinking about it. I had an archangel make an appearance. My dad who was also meditating back at home to help my healing at the time also envisioned this angel joining the healing. He saw Michael. I saw the most beautiful woman with the biggest smile and she soared in as the guides made way for her. I didn't see any wings just her flowing robe of light, but I wasnt really looking :). She hovered over me and with one hand beamed down blocks of intense light mostly into my hip area (the main source of bone marrow) but elsewhere in my body too. The blocks would glow as such for a while then fade into nothingness in their places.

The next vision I had was me as a kid, maybe, all in red - shorts and shirt - and I go up to a park bench and lie down. Just then a mass of little colored pebble-like things pile ontop of the boy and the bench. They look like colored mentos. They eventually get to the point where it's just the boy's head showing and then that gets consumed too by the moving wave or mass of what really looks like candy haha. The boy can't breathe now but just then all the pebbles are wiped out of existance. To me this is just plain metaphor for the overwhelming presence of cancer cells in the blood, to the point of near death, and then just simply being vaporized from the world just in an instant.

After the hour session, the recipient has to spend 24 hours in meditation and inwards thought. Food can be brought and a little conversation is OK but no electronics, no distractions, no outside noise (as much as possible). I always wondered what a day like that would be like, so I didn't mind. It was like relaxing in bed, as I often do, but more...lots more. I slept a lot too. They left me with the lovely chest pain so I focused on that for healing but also did lots of visualization and entertained crazy ideas about cancer being completely gone.

My thanks to the Beckett family again and Brendan especially for use of his room. They all kept nicely quiet as I went to work with my crazy ways. I did feel like the cancer was gone from my body after the morning and it was scary but I dared to believe it true. I totally expected to be let down when I got to the hospital, that life would just be yet another upset for me, another plummet on that rollercoaster, more chemo, etc etc. Yet when I got called up, and my little asian nurse had a big smile on her face and said my counts were good, and I looked at LKC and saw THREE POINT SEVEN, I was extatic. I walked out of there on a cloud. The nurse thought I had had chemo, I was like "nope- cya".

I emailed Dr. Minden simply saying "3.7 lkc sans chemo, not too shabby" but I couldn't get a rise out of him. He said "no chemo today" lol.

Now, that 3.7 might still be cancer cells and I could fall back into that battle again but for now I will keep positive and just enjoy the moment, as always. I couldn't help but cry because I have been through so much SHIT with this god damn disease and I just kept trusting and believing in my spirituality, even so close to death I was ready, but I never gave up that belief that I could somehow pull through this. This gives me hope, proof, and reward for all that work. I thought I was in bliss before, nuhuh, now I am. Excuse me while I scream for joy.

-Sir Nic

The Ballad of Sir Nic and Baron Blasts

The two stared at eachother,
A faint recognition,
A bad taste in the mouth,
One carrying the banner of the constant Light,
The other a banner of exploding darkness.
Realization and disgust overwhelm,
Then without moments hesitation,
The once serene landscape
is turned into a hellish turmoil.,
As the two entities crash,
A tsunami hitting an erupting volcano,
Never before was such a battle seen.

Such mighty swings were had that day,
Earthshattering blows with whatever weapon,
As the combatants grew
To unnatural size and strength.
Telephone poles, uprooted trees, buildings,
The warrior of light matches the darkness
Blow for blow as such destruction
is wrought on the land.
Darkness pulls a plane out of the air
and swings exploding the hull
against our hero.

It is a mighty hit,
Our hero is toppled and the light fades,
But the good and noble warrior,
Of justice and truth,
Is gifted a new weapon,
In the wing of the plane:
A blade worthy of the ancient kings.

The darkness continues
It's horrible onslaught,
But does not see
the approaching blade.
That gentle knight,
Dealt such a smite
To the monster's skull,
It sent the beast flying backwards,
Entirely pained and distraught.

With renewed strength,
That truest warrior,
Lept afterwards and plunged forth,
the blade into the belly of the beast.
With the unworthy monster held in place,
And sufficiently subdued,
Our good and comely knight,
Champion of the light,
kneels down to pray.

The creature of darkness
Begins to groan and writhe
Then, with prayer being done,
Our faithful knight
Did twist that blade,
and instantly upon withdrawing
That cold metal,
The beast did scream and explode into
billions of particles of pure light.

Thus endeth the Ballad of Sir Nic and Baron Blasts as I have been told it. Amen
(Inspired by dream and the 14th century poem "Gawain and the Green Knight" and many other Arthurian legends)

Kaboom Kablooey

Man oh man oh man...what a fucking rollercoaster. No. You know what rollercoasters go up too and I havnt seen much god damn UP recently. This is a god damn abyss (go go abyss jumping). So on tuesday they give me the same chemo that only two or three weeks ago brought me from 220 white count to 7 in a couple days. I go in today (friday) and it has had no effect on the cancer whatsoever. Wow cancer. You are a quick learner, you whore. Vinblastine and Aspergenaise are out and I am now on Methotrexate if anyone cares for names. Havn't had much Metho... maybe it'll dumbfound this clever disease long enough for me to take a shit in peace.

Me and my dad cried buckets together at the hospital, it was good good good but so sad. I don't even care about dying, which we talked about in detail with the Minden. I said I dont want to be put on life support. I would much rather die at home or on the warm cement of a sidewalk than in a god damn ICU hooked up to all manner of machine just to prolong what wants to happen. If i am to die lets make it quick like my mom.

Where my tears came from mostly was just thinking about my family who will, of course, be hit so hard. We already had one huge death why do we need another? Oh that's right, I am not meant to die. This is my soul's journey and it is taking me so close to death, so close to something that feels so so so so real but of course is just the same as everything else - false. It is just the veil pulled over our eyes. I slip in and out of believing in the lie, to seeing the illusion, to freaking out about dying, to smiling at the whole thing, back to so much sadness at leaving loved ones to being completely unattached to anything. The gaps are filled with good ol numbness, staring at random objects, playing games, watching seasons of Entourage, eating.



These things are just so complex, way too complex for the human mind to understand I think. I love to try to make sense of stuff, it's part of being a libra, to try and find truth in everything. I may have over-simplified things but it was fun all along the way. I may be leaving this planet soon so I donno if you want to meet up while I am still somewhat mobile and shit let me know - we will craft some plans.

I still think I am going to beat this. Perhaps I already have. But I mean survive this, which any normal person would have to be insane to think. This cancer is so aggressive, intelligent, angry? If karma exists I must have really done some horrible horrible shit things in a past life, wow. But giving up is for pussies. I had such a cool dream. I was walking to a table with food or something on it and someone gave me a wierd look of long lost recognition and it was a little hostile. I kept my eye on him and he turned into a massive monster and swung at me with a huge draconic claw. I then found out that I was able to take the hit because I was made out of the same kind of wierd morphoshit this guy was and I was suddenly a massive monster thing myself and we both just started sluggin the shit out of eachother with telephone poles and shit and it felt so great then I woke up haha.

Lets see what chemo has left in its bag of tricks (probably not much) and let's see how it all plays out, should be most exciting indeed. To die is probably a marvelous adventure, much like childbirth I imagine but without the screaming...ok maybe some screaming, HAHA.

p.s. liz, im not dying. <3

Cleared For Liftoff!

So after seeing my counts for two weeks in a row now, I can safely say that for the time being cancer has been beaten back and remains as a small but present annoyance. The beast still lingers but we have a time of peace now. I don't really know what Minden wants to do now, infact I havn't heard from him at all in the past few hospital visits. I feel abandoned :( but I mean...maybe it really is being left up to me to see if I can find a way to make peace with this disease.

Anyone who has read this blog knows that I am a strong supporter of energy healing. In Brazil there is a healer called Joao de Deus or John of God. He channels thirty or so spirit doctors and he is able to perform complex surgeries without any anesthetics and the patient feels no pain. He has cured cancers, aids, MS, blindness, drug addiction and removed many tumors. There has been a documentary made about him and lots of other articles, videos, whatever, just check youtube.

Anyway, we have a family friend who went to visit him and she loved the experience and wants to fundraise enough money for me and my dad to visit this healer - - - Heh I just got off the phone with Dr. Minden and I am cleared to fly!! I had to tell him why I wanted to go to Brazil "to visit a spirit healer" haha oh man, that was fun. He didn't comment, I bet he sees a lot of this stuff.

More on this later I gotta make some calls!

p.s. during the "- - -" I emailed dr minden to see if i could fly, he emailed back that i had to call him, then i called my dad cuz i was like freakin out that id have to be the crazy person and tell him about this healer man, but then i got over it and called him and thats where the blog continues. lol!

p.p.s. Not that I have to justify myself to anyone but to the naysayers and unbelievers I say put yourself in my shoes. Where do you turn when modern medicine fails? Alternative healing methods, holistic medicine, energy healing (in my case), and whatever else. When it comes to life and death you want to know you tried everything, at least I do. He may heal the cancer he may not, at least I got to go to Brazil, right? :)

Man, life is hard right now. Well no, not life, but wrestling with my state of mind is hard right now. I seem to have fallen back into a place of much fear around death. Maybe not death but dying. The lovely Dr. Minden laid down the list of all the potential ways I could die or end up in the ICU breathing with tubes and hooked up to god knows what manner of various medical machines. Last night I burst into tears at that thought. How horrible.

I look at my veins now and they are filling up again, bulging out again, I think the cancer is making a return. It could just be this really warm weather but fuck, I doubt it. I guess that means more chemo for me. What a fucking shit way to end such a short and shit life. Cancer, chemo, cancer, chemo, cancer - chemo not working, done. Is that any way for any one to die? I feel so miserable, I feel so helpless, I feel so fucked.

release - release - release - release - release - trust - trust - trust - trust - trust

I look around at my surroundings (out on the deck) and see such beauty and I breathe in the warm air and give thanks for such simple but profound experiences. The sun just came out from behind a cloud and highlights spots all over the garden. The sound of the fountain at the pond is just another reminder as well. In this moment I am at peace, in this moment life is bliss, in this moment I am god.

My eyes go to my veins but I can just admire their beauty, the amazing complexity of the human body and yes I am reminded of cancer and death but they seem so insignificant in the glory of this awareness. In the distance I do still feel sad and I will have to cry those tears soon, my journey is not done and for now I think I may fall back into the illusion but I give thanks for this writing and that experience, because every time that happens the load gets lighter and I get stronger, bigger, and more POWERFUL!!!!!! Muahahahha.

The End.

Summer Days

Slow....summer...days....

Seems I am experiencing a time of peace, in all aspects, and I am not sure to say thank you or to start digging. I think I will just let it be.

Not much to report, cancer cells have been beaten back to within normal ranges and I started taking a protein pill to stop cell growth...might work, might not :P

Posts will probably slow down and I think I might start formatting for the book. We shall see - only time will tell!

Enjoy the weather all :)

The Game Has Changed: TO WAR

So, a few nights ago, I asked for the events that would trigger the next stage of this journey. Kinda just put it out there and went to sleep. Ooops. Then I went to the hospital. As you may know I was on the take-home chemo pills called hydroxy and everything seemed to be going just fine. Actually, the way it turned out I had lowish Hemoglobin when I started the Hydroxy, and I had to wait 4 days till the next appt (Stupid G20) MAN I WAS TIRED.

So I am impatiently waiting for my blood transfusions and 3 hrs later they tell me its there, along with platelets and CHEMO. I say "chemo?" and she tells me the white count is at 220!! (norm 3-11) But then I enter a state of disbelieve becaues NOTHING is swollen like last time. Lymph nodes are good, no pains, spleen is fine. So the nurses are all confused and order a redraw and I say call Dr. Minden.

He comes in with a concerned look and I say "numbers are spreading lies again" and he shows me the counts again. What has happened he said is that the disease has mutated once again. The cells are just thickening my blood. This is very dangerous if left alone because it can cause brain bleeds, clots, and a whole slew of shit I dont even want to mention. So they gave me some heavier chemo to bring the 220 down and I still get to remain an outpatient. They will just monitor me closely.

So I cried and cried part of me wailing between sobs "It's too much, It's too much..." After about 10 minutes I centered myself and went back to trying to trust in the process. My mind flirting behind is this the next stage or is it all just hubub and I am screwed. Stupid brains. Luckily my Brother david was there to hug and hold me through this, what an amazing guy, couldn't have asked for a better brother. I felt normal for the rest of the day and today. Last night I drank so much water I craved it and it was delicious, it was my God that night. Fucking chemo. At least I tolerate these two very well...

On a funny side note, I was at home for the weekend and I "accidentally" put my cat in a dutch oven :) (that is where you fart under blankets and the smell is contained.)

So I pray that these chemos do their job, and well, pray too for me. I am walking on the edge of a god damn knife here. I asked for an emergency poem from Cynthia, I will leave it for you to read. It turns out there's a lot more to be done, ARG FUCK BALLS GOD DAMNIT SHIT SHIT SHIT FML and blissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

The poem is really interesting and really a huge eye opener to how much more work this is really going to take. GOD DAMNIT. Ok I will shutup in a second, just one more thing, this poem actuallly uses the battle metaphor with cancer. I thought that totally opposite to how this works, but I like it. IT'S GOD DAMN BATTLE TIME BITCHES.

for Nic


REBORN June 28 10

Dear One
What we want to share with you now
is not easy for our human understanding
to accept
but it is indeed
a key to freedom

You are presently deeply engaged
in a battle for your life
against an unseen assailant
This plague comes upon you
with stealth
insidiously from within
and yet it takes hold
of every aspect of life
threatening to change everything
take away everything
and rob you of all joy

The medical defense
is as agonizing
as the attack itself
and you feel as if you have been asked
to give away so many pieces of yourself
it is unimaginable
that there is no tangible reward
for this process
that you are not given news
of respite
of a rest from this incessant
bad dream

You reach within yourself
with the courage of a warrior
no longer planning
but simply acting out the passion
of the moment
and this trust
this surrender to vulnerability
is extraordinarily beautiful

And yes there is clarity
yes there is a rich wisdom
but there is also fear
sweet angel
as there would be
in any man

You are one who leaps
off the canyon lip into nothingness
believing completely that he will soar
and yet
still dreams of being caught
and held safely in loving arms
You are one who has opened his heart
to the truth of giving up all
at the same time
as you want everything
you have every imagined

You are perfection
in these very contradictions
but what we ask you to understand
is that there is a larger picture
a greater process
even than what you have seen
and it is nothing less
than a rebirth
a new creation altogether
of the old Self
to the new

You do see
the beginning of this transformation
and it does give you hope
and joy
But know that there is so much more
that awaits
and you can do this
you are doing this
no matter what the expression
of this disease
in your body

Another way of saying this
is that you are being reborn
and that this process
is not reflected in the simple paradigm
of illness and health
It is not a question
of the mind healing
and then the body becoming well
Such a perspective is vastly limited
compared to the intricate dimensions
of your soul journey at this time

Of course
you want to be well
Of course
you have times of immense grief
that your body seems to fail you
when your heart
is trying so hard
Of course you are angry
at the great unfairness of this experience
not only for yourself
but for those who love you so

And have you noticed the love
that surrounds you at all times?
Are you aware of the light you emanate
and the beautiful hearts that are entwined
with yours?
This is the substance of your empowerment right now
for it is the heart
that is being healed
in these times
and in this immense and profound task
the cancer is in fact
your ally

We do not ask you
to give up the fight
for every expression of your worth
your deserving
your desire for joy
is a moment of nourishment
for your cause
But we ask you to reach toward surrender
even as you continue the battle
for this is the prize
this is the chalice
this is the Golden Fleece

Be free first
beautiful heart
and then all
will be well.

Me Papa

Well I couldn't let my mom get all the attention now could I? I gotta say when it comes to families, I chose the best. We were always you know, not rich, middle class family but they sent me to a private school that cost 8-12k a year or something rediculous because my parents did not like the standard school system. We could barely afford it but I went through all 12 years. It was a Waldorf school if you are interested and I really loved my education there.

Anyway, back to my family being so great...I have 3 siblings, aged 21, 19, and 14. Recently on my rampage to find fuel to clear grief I have been doing a meditation or visualization of one of them dying. Ohhhh man that triggers the tears! It is kind of like this ancient tibetan meditation where you imagine life without a limb. Then you move on to the next limb. This increases your gratitude and appreciation for what you have, what you take for granted! Similarly I have been told I need to clear this attachment to them, to protecting them, because the truth is you really can't save anyone. Now this is really damn hard lol. Holy shit I have strayed. That is just a little update from my life I suppose.

My dad was 25 when I was born - my mom 29. Young fathers ROCK! We formed such a bond right away. I would be at home with my Mom all day then he would come home and we would play and play. Good times. As I grew up my dad was the envy of all the kids because he would always be playing with us. He was the volleyball coach in Gr 7-8. So yea he just always had this youthfulnness, playfulness and gentleness.

When my mom died it hit him really hard because he witnessed his father get shot at the age of 7. His whole world was turned upside down and he lived a very difficult childhood moving from family to family, some of them being abusive, and he was educated by nuns (gross). Actually a lot of kids from his generation had it crazy hard. Some of the stories I have heard is just wow. That is why so many parents now give their kids the best childhoods, as secure as possible, etc etc. Thus the stay-at-home till 30 generation was birthed, lollers!

My dad is also very spiritual like the rest of the family. He became a great healer and reciever of transmissions. All the stuff he recieved was BANG ON. People still refer to his work years after it was recieved. When my mom died he went through a bit of a spiritual crises so to say. He stopped healing work, stopped the readings, and I donno if he lost faith in the clearing process too. Recently though he has been doing so great, I asked him for a healing session and it was the first in 3 years. He is a powerful soul. Very much in tune with the higher realms.

It is getting late and I need my rest I will add more soon!

Me Mama

My mom was no ordinary mom. Well she was for the first 14 years of my life. Then she went through a seperation with my dad that totally changed her world and she grew and learned a lot from that tough experience. She lived what she taught, the main thing being "Healing Through Crises". She was the first person to believe in Cynthia and her received poems and she was there from the start. She had an incredible ability to quote any poem out of thousands because she would be the transcriber of the poems.

Many mornings I woke up to find her on my computer transcribing in the dark room with just the monitor glow on her face. She seemed to get younger and younger every day with the work she was doing. She helped so many people and was fearless in sharing her "wonky" beliefs with anyone she met. We had such good walks together. At the time I was heavily addicted to computer games and I missed so much of her. That and she was often out and about - never in the kitchen! - with Cyn, taking care of those in crises and working through their own. But on our walks I could talk freely about spirituality and she learned me everything I know now.

My mom loved all her children unconditionally, for who we all were. Even as afraid as we were of the world she just continued to love us all so much. Man, I am crying buckets writing this but that was my intent. I was stuck in a fucking video game for so long while she was around and then one day she left.

It was so sudden, so unexpected, she was in good health as far as we could tell...I awoke that morning to see her on my comp, soft glow on her face, looking young as ever, and transcribing a reading that had been recorded for her. I went upstairs to take a bath. In the bath I heard muffled yelling coming from the basement (my room at the time). My brother in law, Travis, who my mom took in with such open arms and they quickly became quite bonded, was yelling something about choking. I hopped out of the bath and put a towel on around my waist. Robert ran up and said "mom is choking" and Travis passed me the phone and I punched in 911.

I wasn't ready for what I saw next. My mom had fallen from the computer chair and onto the floor and was trying to breathe. I somehow managed to keep my cool and followed the police woman's instructions. She had me do CPR and check the throat for any blockages. Sticking your two big fingers down your mom's throat is an interesting experience...

About 7 minutes went by with me trying to resuscitate my mom and then the paramedics got there and took over. At this point the towel I had was kind of falling off so I went upstairs and put some clothes on. Then it hit me, the realization that what was actually going on was real. I met my sister Liz in the hallway and we hugged and both started crying.

The paramedics, having stabilized her, got her up and out of the basement and into the ambulance. It was out of our hands now, out of our house. Cynthia and some other friends rushed in and consoled us. All we could do was wait. Some dickweed officer was asking us questions without any feeling or sentiment, and he got yelled at by one of our friends (haha, go Penny!). So another nicer officer came in to ask the followup questions.

About 20 minutes later we got a phonecall from a friend who was with my mom. I will never forget the look on my dad's face when he heard what he did. An instant expression of the utmost sadness and then he blurted out "she's dead, she's dead". Everyone started crying, so much shock and tears. Then everyone in the house all went off to grieve in seperate areas. I went down to my room and smashed shit around threw a chair. There is crying and then there is grief-crying and man you can't help but wail and moan. When I was somewhat calmer I cleaned up the jewelry and shirts my mom was wearing which they cut off. There was also some white foam that I cleaned amidst so much crying and just "WHY".

Everyone knew she was doing the work, the spiritual tasks asked of her, and leading by example. Why would she leave? The reason was later revealed but at the time it was so maddening. My faith took a big hit. But then I looked at the comp I shit you not, the place where she was writing went like this "....For one whos time has come.../////////ffffffddddddddddddddddd". The document is somewhere on a backup CD that I have to find.

We went to see her at the hospital. There she was, her body, the shell, empty now...her poor dad and some other friends were there. I put my hand on her cold hand and kissed her forehead then left. The worst part about losing someone is that you can't physically be with them, hold them, hug them. All I wanted was just to hug her like the previous night. We actually had a little bit of a good bye. I was on my computer and she was doing laundry and I turned to her and said "mom, i am sorry if i have been ignoring you recently" she stopped going up the stairs and came to stand infront of me. She said something like "I will always love you nomatter what" that was who she was and then we hugged a long hug, a good hug, one I still remember. Then I woke up to see her on my comp soft monitor glow on her face looking younger every day...

I have been shown...

Oh boy oh boy, the other night I think I talked with the archangel Michael and then my mom...can't remember shit though...maybe it's the drugs.

The drugs....Yea I started the chemo pill today. I kind of scared Dr. Minden because I wanted to see how I could influence the progress of cancer without chemo. I concluded that I have indeed slowed down its progress but I ate too much whiteflower for there to be total stoppage / slower progress. I am very curious to see what would happen if I was to go on a very strict vegetable soup or salad diet. Cancer needs very specific conditions to grow. Ah, im probably way too acidic to try it now. So anyway, Dr. Minden walks into our meeting thinking that I have been on the pill (lawl) and the white count still shot up and he was VERY relieved to find out I hadn't started yet. While other doctors might have got mad or scolded me he just laughed and upped the chemo dose, lol.

He and I both know that chemo really isn't going to do anything so the plan is to keep me on this one pill that keeps the white blood cells (the ones that are exploding right now) down to a controllable level and then run some other techniques, clinical trials, whatever. They took 3 vials of blood today to see what is triggering my cells to grow, so that hopefully they can produce a very specific med to stop that action. Perhaps this is one way cancer care will go. It is all very exciting and cutting edge!

As you know I have been pondering to myself what the hell the spiritual reason is behind the cancer still being present. Two nights ago I was shown. GRIEF. I was lying in bed with a vision of myself kind of on my last few minutes before dying, on our living room couch, all my loved ones around me sobbing, so much crying, so much love but way more sadness. So I started balling and then it hit me, I still have a lot of grief to release. In a past reading (1 on 1 session with Cyn) she said that I have this massive body of grief that hovers above me, accumulated through many lifetimes, and well a lot in this life time. It is the reason behind why I hunch over apparently, and recently I have been hunching over to the point of back pains. Last night I stretched my back out on the floor and put my legs on the bed, it was soooooo fucking nice.

So I mean it shouldnt be hard to move this grief, I have a lot of triggers (mom dead, grandma dead, my possible future death) and you know what the counter to grief is? Joy. Be in trust and be in joy. That is my quest for the next little while. Oh and to cry like a fucking baby until all this grief is gone. I thought it was gone TBH but I think it was just ignored.

Hey, funny story. I woke up with a bump on my ass cheek. I felt it, it was pretty hard and sore, so of course the human mind jumps to worst case scenerios and I think tumour. "Thats the last thing I need" as I get out of bed. I asked Minden about it at the end of our meeting and he touched my butt. LOL then he says, "its probably just a bruise" and then I kick myself. I was out playing soccer yesterday with the chaps (and soccer for me right now is kicking the ball a few times and then lying down in the grass). As I was laying down I might have sat on a stick or acorn or something. Isn't that the nature of life? You freak out with mind created illusions and then you find out everythings alllllllright.

Moved into Paradise but then Found Out A Nasty Secret...

So last friday I got discharged and life has been pretty awesome, I gotta say. After a few days at home I moved in with my foster family and wow...what a beautiful home they have, in every way. The house itself has columns and a mural in the greek stlyle, lots of light, and lots of space. My room isn't too big but my bed is next to a window which lets the nice breezes and summer scents in. The best part is from my room I look onto the backyard. Now the backyard has a pond, with a fountain, OMG...the sound of lightly falling water 24/7 is sooooo nice. The backyard also has a beautiful deck with lots of comfy seating for us to laze about.

The family itself is very warm and caring. The mom is a pharmacist (I worked one of my first jobs at her pharmacy doing deliveries) so she takes care of teh drugs. It is truly nice to get a script and just hand it off to her without any worry. The dad is a computer programmer which turns out to be really sweet cuz I just bought a new comp and he showed me some neat tricks in setting it up. They are hungarian so they watch soccer every day and make hungarian food which I was raised on. Every meal I love. The kids are great, one is my age, one is in gr 11, and the youngest is in gr 4. His name is Adam, and he will not give me an inch of space. He is pretty excited to have me here, lawl.

I never even thought to ask for this kind of awesome setup, I didnt even dare consider it! Ugh that non-deserving? Or no, its a bit odd to ask for someone to take you in, I am glad they offered. I think on a subconscious level I did ask for this though, and they heard my call. So yea life has been pretty sweet.

Now, here comes the surprise, uhhhh drumroll....I STILL HAVE CANCER. Yea...first day back at hospital getting bloodwork done and white count was up at 30. Everything else progressing really well, except dem fucking white cells. I was actually suspiscous before leaving the hospital, because my white count jumped from 0.1 to .04 over night and it was too fast. Then they ordered a MUGA scan, which you usually do before chemo cuz it checks the strength of your heart, so I was puzzled. Turns out, they saw the blasts already when I was an inpatient! I guess they thought I might take it badly and they wanted me to have a happy discharge.

Now, here is the cool part, I didn't have any reaction except calm. I was a little surprised, because I thought this could only happen to someone with shit attitiude and no will to live (like that other guy). I also thought it was my fault - and this is DANGEROUS. I had been kind of eating a lot of sweets and uh frappucinos and whatnot kind of believing that I would be cancer free until well....a later date, after I had done a bunch of good work. But then I remembered, no, cancer was there already when I was inpatient. It is part of the process, trust, trust, trust, you just have more work to do. Never blame yourself. Way bigger forces at work.

Now in my case I lined up a few reasons why it is still here. 1) I am done soul growth and it is time to go (shens). 2) I still have more growth to experience (Hmmm, I donno, maybe). 3) I am meant to cure this cancer without chemotherapy (Now, wouldn't that be sexy).

So here are my options as laid out by Doctor Minden. First is heavy chemotherapy, just like the first round of ALL, which overall was pretty mild but involved those fucking steroids (prednizone) that make you depressed and make your face fat. YUCK. The next option kind of fell through already but there is a small possibility...uh, its a clinical trial testing a protein that tells cells to stop growing - like a gentle chemotherapy. I really liked the sound of this but when Minden went to page the lady running the study he found out it was shut down and the lady was sick somewhere on a train. Fuck. The third option is to stay on these chemo pills that just bring down your white count. So that is the option I am going with for now. At least to give me a break from the heavy shit.

Whatever the reason it is no random occurance. Remember when I said there was a 2-5% chance of this happening? Well it happened. Coincidence? Uh, no? I need more of lady cancer, so the dance will continue. Fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck ass fuck chemotherapy fuck. But yea...onwards.

The Power of Surrender

One of the most important things about this spiritual approach to healing, to growth, to transformation, is to be able to surrender to what seems most horrible, most terrifying, and most dreaded! Well that's the extreme end of it. You must also be able to recognize and surrender to the little things as well. Let me explain.

Surrender walks hand in hand with trust; trust in life, trust in god, the universe, the powers that be, whatever. When I was first admitted to the hospital I swore to myself to accept and trust in what the doctors and experts say and do. Heh now look at me, telling doctors to shove their anti-fungals up their ass...oh well, what is important is that I had the attitude of allowance and surrender upon entering this mess. This may seem like common sense but I have seen some patients who put up a huge fuss, massive resistance, to medications, to water (funny story), to the scarier things like bone marrow aspirations and lumbar punctures.

The worst lumbar puncture I had I was in a state where I was like "is this really necessary - can't we just leave it at 3 LPs and not do a 4th?" and holy shit did it go wrong. He stabbed me 3-4 times and missed until the last one. The numbing agent wore off around the 2nd poke, I had spine pain for a few months afterwards.

You see, when you meet anything with resistance, it puts a signal out that you are not fully open and trusting in life. And then life slaps you on the wrist, repeatedly, and in relation to how much you are resisting. As you know, my most recent LP went incredibly well, almost unnoticable, because even though in the back of my mind I knew it to be unnecessary (they do it just to cover all their bases and make sure nothing is hiding out in the spinal column by injecting a little chemo in thar), I allowed it, I surrendered to their judgement.

Now of course dont be a fucking limp noodle / doormat to everyone's will. When you are aware enough you will see when to surrender and when to make a stand. You will feel it. You will know. That's another great thing about growing on a soul level, you just begin to know things. People go to Eckhart Tolle's talks, the Dalai Lama's talks just to hear their words, not even to acknowledge them as words carrying meaning, just to hear them. This is because they come from a place of knowing, a place of such truth, and people will resonate with just that alone.

Actually let me leave you with a story of surrender found in Tolle's book The Power of Now (or maybe it was A New Earth, fuck I read them too long ago):

There was a Zen Master who was very pure and very enlightened. Near the place where he lived there happened to be a local food stand. The owner of the local food stand had a beautiful unmarried daughter. One day she became pregnant and soon gave birth to a little boy. Her parents became enraged. They wanted to know who the father was, but she would not give them his name. After repeated scolding and harassment, she gave up and told them it was the Zen Master living near them. The parents believed her. When the child was born they ran to the Zen Master, scolding him with foul tongue, and then left the baby boy with him. The Zen Master said, “Is that so” and this was his only comment.

He accepted the child. He started nourishing and taking care of the boy. By this time his reputation had come to an end, and he was the object of mockery. Days ran into weeks, weeks into months and months into years. The young girl was tortured by her conscience. One day she finally disclosed to her parents the name of the child’s real father, a man who worked in a fish market nearby. The parents again became enraged. At the same time, sorrow and humiliation tortured the household. They came running to the spiritual Master, begged his pardon, narrated the whole story and then took the child back. The Zen Master’s only comment was: “Is that so” and gave back the child willingly.

This rings true with Rumi's teaching of accepting disgrace and giving up your good name. Always loved that story. SO! work on your ability to surrender, actually I think I will add more to this post but right now I need a huge fucking burger. Bye for now!

addition: Some more examples of resistance. Ignoring how you feel when money does that thing when it runs out. If you ignore it, the fear of losing your house, survival fears, um all the stress from banks and bills breaking down your door....you will remain in that state of poverty for a long fucking time until the lesson is learnt. In this situation you gotta again feel these things in all their power, realize them to be illusionary, and tell them to bugger off by clearing them and replacing them with feelings of abundance, wealth, prosperity, and trust that you are always safe. You wont be thrown into the street to die. You wont starve to death. These are mind created fear-based jargon meant to stop you in your tracks.

Another example, seeing an opportunity to do something daring and then not acting on it. You are afraid to expose yourself, afraid to make a mistake. My friend kindly informed me that I dont properly punctuate a lot of my writing. For him its a big deal for me i dongiveashit. Although perhaps if I am to be published...ah fuck it.

Discharged, Baby.

Let me just begin by saying I've already had two great bowel movements today. I got the boot today and I am now at home on our living room couch, mmmmmm home. We packed up all my shit (which was a lot) and got the fuck out of that place, fast. Actually we forgot my washroom stuff, oh well, some cleaning lady can take it home or throw it out or get totally raunchy with it.

Heh, the doctor Andre, actually its Andrez I think, hes polish and he gave me some polish sausage as a good-bye gift. What a great guy. Me, being half hungarian, have a well established appreciation for good sausage. My grandfather always asks while laughing "YOU LIKE DE SAUSAGE?" and we awkwardly and sheepishly have to reply "yes". He's always frustrated with the lack of girlfriends. He was once quite the ladies man himself. Still is in that creepy 80 yr old kind of way...

I got a great spiritually inclined post coming up that will hint at the title of my book. So stay tuned ima get my bro to massage the shit outta my back cuz he's got magic hands like that. (He doesn't know it yet but he's about to read this, lawl.) Everyone stay cool on these hot summer days and indulge in all good things as much as you can cuz you deserve it.

Much Love.

Vampires and Werewolves

You know, I bet the idea for Dracula came from Leukemia. I can see Bram Stoker standing over a Leukemic patient back in the 19th century, and seeing how pale they looked and then how much stronger they would become with each transfusion of blood. Of course back then they didn't have a concept of cancer so they must have thought the blood was leaving somehow. Well whatever vampires have all become fucked anyway. The original Dracula was an actual monster, he is scary, I was scared reading the book, and that is rare. Nowadays we have vampire diaries where the vampires are all pretty boys who cant keep away from highschool girls and then we have Twilight. I can't even comment on that one. True Blood does a pretty good job of staying true to Vampirism (really like what they did with the vampire hiararchy) but theres still the whole Bill-SOOKEH romance. Oh well you gotta have SOME love interest, right?

I also got to see the movie Wolfman last weekend and I really enjoyed it. Anthony Hopkins is always a spectacle, and Benicio makes a great monsta. What really interested me here though is the full moon. "She exerts such power", Anthony says at one point. And truthfully, she really does. The roughest, toughest, scariest episode of this treatment round was during the full moon. I had a very high, mysterious fever, I was having horrible nightmares - the worst of my life - whenever I slept. And I would wake up to see the giant moon staring me in the face. One night it's top half was covered by a cloud and it had that yellow tinge so what I was left with was a huge cat eye staring me down...it was quite wild.

Souls that are more sensitive will feel the moon's effects at a greater level. Those who are less sensitive might just have a bad day where a lot of shit goes wrong. Car troubles is a big one. I for one wish to be put into a medically induced coma next time it starts to get full. But I mean, it does just bring us what we need. I was able to move a whole lot of fear last time.

Oh yea, in other news, the headache I was still dealing with from the anti-fungal has been healed by Cynthia's magic hands. I am so lucky to know the people I know. When I open my own healing center for cancer patients it is going to be packed full of massage therapists and hands on healers. Might even throw some shamans into the mix. And werewolves. You always need werewolves. Fuck vampires though, they had their chance, and they whored themselves out!

My Little Sister

Siblings are great. I am fortunate enough to have three. Two brothers and a sister. She is the second born, now at 21 years old (legal drinking age in America, boo ya). My sister has the same wisdom and spiritual knowledge as me but she is far more clairvoyant. She is a seer and has the most incredible dreams. She dreamt that I would find the cure for cancer! She has also always been the wild one of the family. She got married at the age of 16 to a man she met through a star wars game. They are truly soul mates and it's incredible how they found eachother. He is american though so she had to get her green card and they live in Buffalo (I know, ew) to be close to us here in Toronto.

It was recently her birthday, June 10th actually, and she requested a poem from our mom, who as you may know passed away 3 years ago. Cynthia can channel anyone from jesus christ to the cat you owned 10 years ago. Animal poems are always hilarious it's really funny to see their attitudes come through in writing. We have this cat, Muffin, who pretty much behaves like a queen, she dominates the household and only barely allows my cat, Rascal, to live in our house. When we got a poem from her she acted exactly as she behaved, full of pomp and royalty and sass. She actually flirted with the guys of the family! She loves and craves attention and sometimes it can be really maddenning lol.

Wow talk about maddenning I cannot for the life of me copy this poem over. Fuck you adobe reader and your stupid formats, what a shit program. Arg ANGRY NIC. I tell it to save a copy as plain text and it fucking brings out some alien language jibberish. What fucking monkey programmed this garbage? Updating the bloody thing...

Ok finally, here is the transmission (It seems the beings of the angelic realm are quite pleased with my work!) have a look:

MOTHER-LOVE June 13 10
Oh sweetheart
so many aches and pains lately
so many ways the body complains
and says no
don’t like this
don’t want this
don’t want to be here
right now
And when these days come
I know there’s a part of you
that feels so very small
and would give anything
to have my arms around you again
And in those moments
sometimes
there’s a voice in you that says
come on
you’re all grown up now
no excuse

A young woman should be able
to manage these things better
and isn’t it time
for the vulnerability to stop
so you can walk
in a woman’s shoes
all day long?

But why don’t we just
tell that voice to hush for awhile
and let the little girl speak
the way she needs to
because the truth is
we never stop needing a mother
no matter how old we get
and no matter how distant
our mother’s arms

Perhaps it’s the legacy
of the paternal religions
but the fact is
Spirit is our Mother
always has been
and it’s her we miss
when we feel alone
it’s her lap we want to crawl onto
it’s her voice we want to hear
singing a sweet song
and it’s her warm bosom
where we want to rest our head
not against the muscle and bone
and scratchy beard
of the Father
that can all be saved
for another time

So for starters
you go right ahead
and miss me
and wish for me
and remember me
and don’t feel bad about it
in any way, ever
because it’s just your heart’s way
of reaching for me angel
and I love to feel you
wanting me
just like I reach for you
every day
We have these mistaken ideas
about growing up
that somehow it will make things easier
because we will feel less vulnerable
and we’ll be automatically stronger
because our body is taller
older
more mature

The truth is
vulnerability ebbs and flows
like a tide
throughout our lives
and yes
there are certain blessings
about not being small any more
but the fact is
it can be extra scary to find yourself
in an adult body
with adult responsibilities
too old to be looked after
but too young to have it figured out yet
and all the while people look at you
and treat you like you should have it all together
so it becomes even harder
to admit to one’s own fragility
after awhile

But that is the greatest mistake
anyone can make
although so many people do
because it’s when we start to shut down
our honest and child-like admissions
of not knowing
not being sure
feeling afraid and overwhelmed
that we also shut down our light
because you can’t hide your fear
without hiding your joy
that’s just the way it works
something I know
you already know

Imagine a world
where all the grown ups
let themselves be child-like
when they needed to
and I don’t mean child-ish
cause there’s a difference
between the two
Child-ish is what grownups act
when they are not allowed to reveal
their actual child-like natures
because in truth
the only path toward real maturity
is that of the child
full of wonder
reverence
playfulness
and unabashed Mother-love
It’s childish to deny
our vulnerable hearts
it’s childish to be afraid
of the child within
and so you must promise me
that you will never stop playing
never censor that incredible
child-like laugh of yours
and the matching smile that lights up the room

You see it warms my heart
to know that you can be you
in any situation
because that means you feel safe enough
in the world to do so
safe in your pretty women’s shoes
safe in your skin

So now we’ve settled that
I want to tell you
how proud I am of you
stepping out into the world
because I know
more than anyone
just what it takes for you
to get through each day sometimes
but isn’t it better sweetheart
isn’t it better in so many ways
than it used to be
to have found the answer
that once you see yourself
as belonging in the world
suddenly the world starts to see you too
and instead of dangers
there are possibilities all around you
instead of strangers
all different kinds of friends
I’ve watched you starting to try on
that gorgeous flamboyance you had
when you first stepped into womanhood
I’ve watched it return
and smiled at how much
you remind me of me sometimes
when I was younger
so shy inside
and such a hotty outside
and isn’t it fun
to turn heads again
isn’t it good to not be afraid to be noticed
for the beautiful creature that you are?

And part of it is
that you are letting your grief move in a new way
it’s been long enough since our parting
that you are more brave about looking at the layers
than ever before
and of course you have to be
don’t you
because Nick needs you
needs your honesty
your open heart
your readiness to know
that you can be there for him
without it being a brave face
it’s just your face
the real face
that is so lovely before the world

And I’m watching how the two of you
connect
as his journey amazes you
scares you
terrifies you sometimes
cause even though you know
that what he is doing is growing
growing taller than ever before
you would have picked any, any other way
for him to do it
we all would
and yet
he is on his chosen path
and it is up to us to honour it
all the while observing where we go in our own hearts
in understanding the ongoing suffering of one
who seems to deserve an end to it
more than any soul in the world
and yet he is doing what he needs to do
he is walking with the grace
that is the whole lesson
we are here to learn
It is so easy to accuse ourselves
because we still have fear
when we try so hard
to face it every day
but this is the meaning
of these times
and the ascension that we read and talk about
It’s all found in the process of facing our fear
and how can we
unless it’s in our face
unless it growls in our ear
first thing in the morning
and waits in the belly at night
when we try to sleep

So that fear of yours is becoming
the companion that you always knew it could be
clear and helpful
more than ever before
so that your wisdom will have its chance
to rise above and elevate you
and from this place
take hold of your power
to shine the light of who you are
further and further
all around you every day
so that no one who even passes you on the street
will miss it
so bright will it be
and so true

Remember
you are moving toward
a kind of integration
between the spirit you know so well
and the physical self that is your home
not just because you need to
to feel better, stronger, happier
but because your willingness to be fully present
is your gift to the rising vibrations
of the planet right now

You are needed angel
right where you are
and the more you can sink into your Self
the greater the gift you give to the whole
by adding your essence
to the collective consciousness
that is brewing on the planet
in these powerful days

You can think of it
as a gift to Nick
and to me
to stand more fully in your own joy
than ever before
because your strength
is the strength of All
and as Nick teaches you
you teach Nick
and so on
round and round

Think of it this way
the more intense these days become
the closer you are to me
because this is the work
in which I am engaged
holding the net
that connects us
across oceans
between hearts
from solar system to solar system
until we all join in one breath
and the struggles of our human days
fall away
like the stories they are
and we can see past them
and straight into the bliss of our love
just like me holding you in my arms
each and every day
I am with you always, darling child
I am with our whole family
and there is a sweetness to our togetherness
that surpasses anything we have known before
and it is not despite the pain
it is because of it
that we taste every day
every moment
with gratitude for the richness
of our family’s world
We have far to travel together
my precious girl
have no doubt

I am still the Mother
and always will be
so let yourself feel
the eternity
of my Love

If you are interested in getting a poem you can reach Cynthia at forangelsrent@sympatico.ca If you ever are to meet an angel in this life she is the closest thing to an angelic being as you can get. Actually her core pattern is she was literally a guardian angel in charge of protecting a group of young souls and she failed in her task. So it is funny in this life she is always surrounded by children who are kind of lost, poor, misguided but beautiful.

I hope you enjoyed this poem. Even though they are for one person they hold wisdom for all. It is the coolest thing to get your own and to even set up a session with Cyn where she channels right infront of you - it's truly amazing!

So they say I will be discharged by the end of the week at the latest. Im goin hoooome. What a period of transformation - it wasn't easy but the reward has been so worth it. Make cancer your ally and embrace your godliness. If you can do this you will live in the bliss that is a soul at it's fullest potential. Fuck this goes to EVERYONE not just cancer patients. Do it, I command it. That is all for now!