I suppose I am still new to the whole cancer-patient lifestyle but there is one thing that is standing out to me more and more these days and that is how absolutely BORING it can be. I feel that I am being asked now to finally face my boredom. Boredom sprouts from inactivity. Before I was diagnosed I was a boring person. I played computer games for the majority of my life. No wonder I had this wake up call, eh?
But now that I am struggling for my own livelihood it feels like I have to prove to myself why I deserve to live. Perhaps this is the wrong attitude to take but it is dominant right now. Why should my life be spared? I could just go back to my life on the computer but I have a feeling that life would not approve.
So I have ventured off into lands of music, art, cooking, web design, etc in hopes that something will really catch my interest and so far nothing really has. Now, I have been told I push myself too hard sometimes, and maybe I am forcing it a little, but hey...it feels like my very existance is being challenged here! If i don't find a good reason to keep living I will just pass away! It sounds silly as I write it out but I wonder if other patients feel this way.
Passion I feel binds us to the world. Taking an interest in everthing, as some people naturally do, connects you to this playground we call life. I don't really share this interest in everything, I dont know why and it kind of makes me sad. That was one of my problems at university; I couldn't find anything I was really interested in except for medieval history which is still too boring a career for me I think.
I have been doing pretty well at finding little things here and there though. Little ignitions are happening and I have hope. I think I will find something and soon hopefully, the search just continues...more on this later...
