The Game Has Changed: TO WAR

So, a few nights ago, I asked for the events that would trigger the next stage of this journey. Kinda just put it out there and went to sleep. Ooops. Then I went to the hospital. As you may know I was on the take-home chemo pills called hydroxy and everything seemed to be going just fine. Actually, the way it turned out I had lowish Hemoglobin when I started the Hydroxy, and I had to wait 4 days till the next appt (Stupid G20) MAN I WAS TIRED.

So I am impatiently waiting for my blood transfusions and 3 hrs later they tell me its there, along with platelets and CHEMO. I say "chemo?" and she tells me the white count is at 220!! (norm 3-11) But then I enter a state of disbelieve becaues NOTHING is swollen like last time. Lymph nodes are good, no pains, spleen is fine. So the nurses are all confused and order a redraw and I say call Dr. Minden.

He comes in with a concerned look and I say "numbers are spreading lies again" and he shows me the counts again. What has happened he said is that the disease has mutated once again. The cells are just thickening my blood. This is very dangerous if left alone because it can cause brain bleeds, clots, and a whole slew of shit I dont even want to mention. So they gave me some heavier chemo to bring the 220 down and I still get to remain an outpatient. They will just monitor me closely.

So I cried and cried part of me wailing between sobs "It's too much, It's too much..." After about 10 minutes I centered myself and went back to trying to trust in the process. My mind flirting behind is this the next stage or is it all just hubub and I am screwed. Stupid brains. Luckily my Brother david was there to hug and hold me through this, what an amazing guy, couldn't have asked for a better brother. I felt normal for the rest of the day and today. Last night I drank so much water I craved it and it was delicious, it was my God that night. Fucking chemo. At least I tolerate these two very well...

On a funny side note, I was at home for the weekend and I "accidentally" put my cat in a dutch oven :) (that is where you fart under blankets and the smell is contained.)

So I pray that these chemos do their job, and well, pray too for me. I am walking on the edge of a god damn knife here. I asked for an emergency poem from Cynthia, I will leave it for you to read. It turns out there's a lot more to be done, ARG FUCK BALLS GOD DAMNIT SHIT SHIT SHIT FML and blissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

The poem is really interesting and really a huge eye opener to how much more work this is really going to take. GOD DAMNIT. Ok I will shutup in a second, just one more thing, this poem actuallly uses the battle metaphor with cancer. I thought that totally opposite to how this works, but I like it. IT'S GOD DAMN BATTLE TIME BITCHES.

for Nic


REBORN June 28 10

Dear One
What we want to share with you now
is not easy for our human understanding
to accept
but it is indeed
a key to freedom

You are presently deeply engaged
in a battle for your life
against an unseen assailant
This plague comes upon you
with stealth
insidiously from within
and yet it takes hold
of every aspect of life
threatening to change everything
take away everything
and rob you of all joy

The medical defense
is as agonizing
as the attack itself
and you feel as if you have been asked
to give away so many pieces of yourself
it is unimaginable
that there is no tangible reward
for this process
that you are not given news
of respite
of a rest from this incessant
bad dream

You reach within yourself
with the courage of a warrior
no longer planning
but simply acting out the passion
of the moment
and this trust
this surrender to vulnerability
is extraordinarily beautiful

And yes there is clarity
yes there is a rich wisdom
but there is also fear
sweet angel
as there would be
in any man

You are one who leaps
off the canyon lip into nothingness
believing completely that he will soar
and yet
still dreams of being caught
and held safely in loving arms
You are one who has opened his heart
to the truth of giving up all
at the same time
as you want everything
you have every imagined

You are perfection
in these very contradictions
but what we ask you to understand
is that there is a larger picture
a greater process
even than what you have seen
and it is nothing less
than a rebirth
a new creation altogether
of the old Self
to the new

You do see
the beginning of this transformation
and it does give you hope
and joy
But know that there is so much more
that awaits
and you can do this
you are doing this
no matter what the expression
of this disease
in your body

Another way of saying this
is that you are being reborn
and that this process
is not reflected in the simple paradigm
of illness and health
It is not a question
of the mind healing
and then the body becoming well
Such a perspective is vastly limited
compared to the intricate dimensions
of your soul journey at this time

Of course
you want to be well
Of course
you have times of immense grief
that your body seems to fail you
when your heart
is trying so hard
Of course you are angry
at the great unfairness of this experience
not only for yourself
but for those who love you so

And have you noticed the love
that surrounds you at all times?
Are you aware of the light you emanate
and the beautiful hearts that are entwined
with yours?
This is the substance of your empowerment right now
for it is the heart
that is being healed
in these times
and in this immense and profound task
the cancer is in fact
your ally

We do not ask you
to give up the fight
for every expression of your worth
your deserving
your desire for joy
is a moment of nourishment
for your cause
But we ask you to reach toward surrender
even as you continue the battle
for this is the prize
this is the chalice
this is the Golden Fleece

Be free first
beautiful heart
and then all
will be well.