Hiding Under The Blankets

I always put a brave face on but recently I have been plagued by such doubts, such fears, on a level not experienced yet. The episodes of fear are often very intense but very quick. I just had a big one move through. I can usually make them move but there is an ocean of reserve it seems. On one hand it's great and powerful stuff to work with but man..

You see, I am holding desperately on to the belief that I can still beat this somehow. But with every hospital visit, every day, we seem to approach an end that is becoming more and more "real". Theres a line from a song that says, "Life is just a deathbound train" or something and that damn line keeps repeating in my head. People who are in great fear drive me nuts and I am pissing myself off lately with how much I am being influenced by it, but hey I am just a man.

When it comes to support on one side I have the medical personnel who really don't help much. They are all really excellent and nice people but all their faith is in the medicine that is slowly but surely failing. They say "don't give up" but then tell you how the latest chemo doesn't work anymore.

On the other hand I have my family, friends, people like Cynthia - my spiritual support - who are always there and give me the hope I need to keep going without falling into complete darkness. I am living event to event right now. I have a wedding tomorrow that I have been using as a goal to get to, and after this wedding is another, then my birthday, then christmas all are just becoming markers that I hope to reach. That's no healthy way to live but I am right now, writing this has helped me realize I probably need to change that attitude but it just happens naturally when you're this close to death.

I have had visions and dreams of the cure for cancer, or maybe the cure for my cancer, involving death. I can't remember if I wrote about it but one dream about the cure for cancer was about patients dying then being brought back to life - cancer free. What is most important for me right now is to just become completely comfortable with death, be at peace with it, completely surrendered to it's "power" and happy to experience it. Perhaps then, if I do die, on the other side I will be met with an option to return to my body or to go home. What would I as a soul choose? Embodied as I am right now the choice is easy, but who knows when you become your highest evolved self. Ah its all just fun conjecture anyway.

This wedding should be a lot of fun, hope my energy holds out! Bye for now...

Still In The Woods

Alas, latest count check showed that the cancer is still present, LKC was at 18 (a bit too high). The healing session with the guides was incredible but I did have a feeling that I wasn't quite done with Leukemia yet. I will know when that time comes and then it is time for the knight to lose this lady. Or die trying. Haha.

The healing felt a lot like it was laying down foundations for future work, perhaps my own, or maybe in preparation for an actual visit to Brazil where I can get the healing in person. Who can say really, it is all too complex and far beyond our mortal minds to try and understand the intricacies of a soul's journey.

All I must do is keep doing what I do. Feel what comes and work with it. Keep punching fear in the face until it is so disfigured it won't make a reappearance. Continue to see illusion in that which seems so incredibly real and thus shattering it's power over me. And of course ultimately surrendering entirely to the whole situation, because in that act you are stating that you are unafraid, that you are not caught in the illusion, and that you are divinity. Surrender is the key, thats what they tell me. I know I havn't reached that point yet and so I knew I wasn't done with cancer. Going for the Fleece!

But we ask you to reach toward surrender
even as you continue the battle
for this is the prize
this is the chalice
this is the Golden Fleece

Be free first
beautiful heart
and then all
will be well.

p.s. I actually just got a sheep skin blanket to lie on and it is soooo comfortable hahaha. Last time I lay on one was when I was a newborn. I recommend them for all. I also wear it on my shoulders and walk around like a barbarian. Win.

50th post: Miracles Do Happen

It's hard to sit down and write this when all I wanna do is celebrate. Luckily for you guys I have low energy today. About four hours ago I witnessed a miracle, a real, actual, physically present and printed miracle. On my blood count printout was a completely healthy lkc (white blood cell) count. Back on tuesday it was 22, which is decent, chemo got that down from 44. They offered me more chemo, because that dose was now out of my system, but I said no and decided to wait till friday to see how it was.

I was expecting it to be high. Past experience has shown cancer growth to be exponential; 22 goes to 44 then to 88 then to boom boom pow my veins are exploding, if you let it keep going. I still felt ok at 220 count, digesting got harder, but other than that just big veins. White count today was 3.7 - a good and healthy number. Now, whether or not that is still cancer or healthy white cells I don't know but what do I do know is that that number was achieved without chemo of any type. There was no left over chemo in my system from back when I had some, they actually gave me a "rescue" to help rid my system of it after it had done it's job. In addition my hemoglobin went up and platelets held their ground for once in a long time. Something knocked the cancer out of my body and that something was extremely powerful energy healing.

Herein lies my experience of the healing I experienced July 22, 2010:

Some of you may have heard of Joao de Deus down in Brazil by now, theres fundraising being done to send me to see him. I don't wanna go into details about him you can check out his site / google him. He is the world's most powerful healer since Jesus they say and I got an hour of his time! Since I couldn't fly right now, our contact to his people, organised for me a long-distance session with his guides. Joao, or John, channels thirty or so spirit doctors or guides who heal the very ill.

6:45 am: chow down some yogurt for breakfast and dress all in white (helps the guides see your energy fields). Not allowed any electronic devices for 24 hrs.

7:00 am: lie down on my back and cross my arms over my chest - right hand over my heart because it's leukemia, left over right. Immediately I got hit with a chest pain, a muscle spasmed on my right side and I had sharp pain if I breathed in too much, still I focused on the healing session. It was my job now to allow the guides access to my being. So I saw them fly in, come next to me and stand around my body. I could sense my mom was present but behind my field of vision and Joao even made an appearance in his human body at the foot of my "bed".

next 45 mins or so: I see the guides get to work, each one working on various parts of my body. I decide to incorporate the pain in my chest as part of the healing and relate it to possibly the old and now dead subconscious belief I used to have that I didn't deserve to breathe, to live. I feel that old painful thought and let it go. It also brought me a little fear, I was kind of freaking out at one point where it really started to hurt to keep holding my arms over my chest, but similarly I got that to move and calmed myself again.

I had two main visions from this point on. The first was so amazing I tingle just thinking about it. I had an archangel make an appearance. My dad who was also meditating back at home to help my healing at the time also envisioned this angel joining the healing. He saw Michael. I saw the most beautiful woman with the biggest smile and she soared in as the guides made way for her. I didn't see any wings just her flowing robe of light, but I wasnt really looking :). She hovered over me and with one hand beamed down blocks of intense light mostly into my hip area (the main source of bone marrow) but elsewhere in my body too. The blocks would glow as such for a while then fade into nothingness in their places.

The next vision I had was me as a kid, maybe, all in red - shorts and shirt - and I go up to a park bench and lie down. Just then a mass of little colored pebble-like things pile ontop of the boy and the bench. They look like colored mentos. They eventually get to the point where it's just the boy's head showing and then that gets consumed too by the moving wave or mass of what really looks like candy haha. The boy can't breathe now but just then all the pebbles are wiped out of existance. To me this is just plain metaphor for the overwhelming presence of cancer cells in the blood, to the point of near death, and then just simply being vaporized from the world just in an instant.

After the hour session, the recipient has to spend 24 hours in meditation and inwards thought. Food can be brought and a little conversation is OK but no electronics, no distractions, no outside noise (as much as possible). I always wondered what a day like that would be like, so I didn't mind. It was like relaxing in bed, as I often do, but more...lots more. I slept a lot too. They left me with the lovely chest pain so I focused on that for healing but also did lots of visualization and entertained crazy ideas about cancer being completely gone.

My thanks to the Beckett family again and Brendan especially for use of his room. They all kept nicely quiet as I went to work with my crazy ways. I did feel like the cancer was gone from my body after the morning and it was scary but I dared to believe it true. I totally expected to be let down when I got to the hospital, that life would just be yet another upset for me, another plummet on that rollercoaster, more chemo, etc etc. Yet when I got called up, and my little asian nurse had a big smile on her face and said my counts were good, and I looked at LKC and saw THREE POINT SEVEN, I was extatic. I walked out of there on a cloud. The nurse thought I had had chemo, I was like "nope- cya".

I emailed Dr. Minden simply saying "3.7 lkc sans chemo, not too shabby" but I couldn't get a rise out of him. He said "no chemo today" lol.

Now, that 3.7 might still be cancer cells and I could fall back into that battle again but for now I will keep positive and just enjoy the moment, as always. I couldn't help but cry because I have been through so much SHIT with this god damn disease and I just kept trusting and believing in my spirituality, even so close to death I was ready, but I never gave up that belief that I could somehow pull through this. This gives me hope, proof, and reward for all that work. I thought I was in bliss before, nuhuh, now I am. Excuse me while I scream for joy.

-Sir Nic

The Ballad of Sir Nic and Baron Blasts

The two stared at eachother,
A faint recognition,
A bad taste in the mouth,
One carrying the banner of the constant Light,
The other a banner of exploding darkness.
Realization and disgust overwhelm,
Then without moments hesitation,
The once serene landscape
is turned into a hellish turmoil.,
As the two entities crash,
A tsunami hitting an erupting volcano,
Never before was such a battle seen.

Such mighty swings were had that day,
Earthshattering blows with whatever weapon,
As the combatants grew
To unnatural size and strength.
Telephone poles, uprooted trees, buildings,
The warrior of light matches the darkness
Blow for blow as such destruction
is wrought on the land.
Darkness pulls a plane out of the air
and swings exploding the hull
against our hero.

It is a mighty hit,
Our hero is toppled and the light fades,
But the good and noble warrior,
Of justice and truth,
Is gifted a new weapon,
In the wing of the plane:
A blade worthy of the ancient kings.

The darkness continues
It's horrible onslaught,
But does not see
the approaching blade.
That gentle knight,
Dealt such a smite
To the monster's skull,
It sent the beast flying backwards,
Entirely pained and distraught.

With renewed strength,
That truest warrior,
Lept afterwards and plunged forth,
the blade into the belly of the beast.
With the unworthy monster held in place,
And sufficiently subdued,
Our good and comely knight,
Champion of the light,
kneels down to pray.

The creature of darkness
Begins to groan and writhe
Then, with prayer being done,
Our faithful knight
Did twist that blade,
and instantly upon withdrawing
That cold metal,
The beast did scream and explode into
billions of particles of pure light.

Thus endeth the Ballad of Sir Nic and Baron Blasts as I have been told it. Amen
(Inspired by dream and the 14th century poem "Gawain and the Green Knight" and many other Arthurian legends)

Kaboom Kablooey

Man oh man oh man...what a fucking rollercoaster. No. You know what rollercoasters go up too and I havnt seen much god damn UP recently. This is a god damn abyss (go go abyss jumping). So on tuesday they give me the same chemo that only two or three weeks ago brought me from 220 white count to 7 in a couple days. I go in today (friday) and it has had no effect on the cancer whatsoever. Wow cancer. You are a quick learner, you whore. Vinblastine and Aspergenaise are out and I am now on Methotrexate if anyone cares for names. Havn't had much Metho... maybe it'll dumbfound this clever disease long enough for me to take a shit in peace.

Me and my dad cried buckets together at the hospital, it was good good good but so sad. I don't even care about dying, which we talked about in detail with the Minden. I said I dont want to be put on life support. I would much rather die at home or on the warm cement of a sidewalk than in a god damn ICU hooked up to all manner of machine just to prolong what wants to happen. If i am to die lets make it quick like my mom.

Where my tears came from mostly was just thinking about my family who will, of course, be hit so hard. We already had one huge death why do we need another? Oh that's right, I am not meant to die. This is my soul's journey and it is taking me so close to death, so close to something that feels so so so so real but of course is just the same as everything else - false. It is just the veil pulled over our eyes. I slip in and out of believing in the lie, to seeing the illusion, to freaking out about dying, to smiling at the whole thing, back to so much sadness at leaving loved ones to being completely unattached to anything. The gaps are filled with good ol numbness, staring at random objects, playing games, watching seasons of Entourage, eating.



These things are just so complex, way too complex for the human mind to understand I think. I love to try to make sense of stuff, it's part of being a libra, to try and find truth in everything. I may have over-simplified things but it was fun all along the way. I may be leaving this planet soon so I donno if you want to meet up while I am still somewhat mobile and shit let me know - we will craft some plans.

I still think I am going to beat this. Perhaps I already have. But I mean survive this, which any normal person would have to be insane to think. This cancer is so aggressive, intelligent, angry? If karma exists I must have really done some horrible horrible shit things in a past life, wow. But giving up is for pussies. I had such a cool dream. I was walking to a table with food or something on it and someone gave me a wierd look of long lost recognition and it was a little hostile. I kept my eye on him and he turned into a massive monster and swung at me with a huge draconic claw. I then found out that I was able to take the hit because I was made out of the same kind of wierd morphoshit this guy was and I was suddenly a massive monster thing myself and we both just started sluggin the shit out of eachother with telephone poles and shit and it felt so great then I woke up haha.

Lets see what chemo has left in its bag of tricks (probably not much) and let's see how it all plays out, should be most exciting indeed. To die is probably a marvelous adventure, much like childbirth I imagine but without the screaming...ok maybe some screaming, HAHA.

p.s. liz, im not dying. <3

Cleared For Liftoff!

So after seeing my counts for two weeks in a row now, I can safely say that for the time being cancer has been beaten back and remains as a small but present annoyance. The beast still lingers but we have a time of peace now. I don't really know what Minden wants to do now, infact I havn't heard from him at all in the past few hospital visits. I feel abandoned :( but I mean...maybe it really is being left up to me to see if I can find a way to make peace with this disease.

Anyone who has read this blog knows that I am a strong supporter of energy healing. In Brazil there is a healer called Joao de Deus or John of God. He channels thirty or so spirit doctors and he is able to perform complex surgeries without any anesthetics and the patient feels no pain. He has cured cancers, aids, MS, blindness, drug addiction and removed many tumors. There has been a documentary made about him and lots of other articles, videos, whatever, just check youtube.

Anyway, we have a family friend who went to visit him and she loved the experience and wants to fundraise enough money for me and my dad to visit this healer - - - Heh I just got off the phone with Dr. Minden and I am cleared to fly!! I had to tell him why I wanted to go to Brazil "to visit a spirit healer" haha oh man, that was fun. He didn't comment, I bet he sees a lot of this stuff.

More on this later I gotta make some calls!

p.s. during the "- - -" I emailed dr minden to see if i could fly, he emailed back that i had to call him, then i called my dad cuz i was like freakin out that id have to be the crazy person and tell him about this healer man, but then i got over it and called him and thats where the blog continues. lol!

p.p.s. Not that I have to justify myself to anyone but to the naysayers and unbelievers I say put yourself in my shoes. Where do you turn when modern medicine fails? Alternative healing methods, holistic medicine, energy healing (in my case), and whatever else. When it comes to life and death you want to know you tried everything, at least I do. He may heal the cancer he may not, at least I got to go to Brazil, right? :)

Man, life is hard right now. Well no, not life, but wrestling with my state of mind is hard right now. I seem to have fallen back into a place of much fear around death. Maybe not death but dying. The lovely Dr. Minden laid down the list of all the potential ways I could die or end up in the ICU breathing with tubes and hooked up to god knows what manner of various medical machines. Last night I burst into tears at that thought. How horrible.

I look at my veins now and they are filling up again, bulging out again, I think the cancer is making a return. It could just be this really warm weather but fuck, I doubt it. I guess that means more chemo for me. What a fucking shit way to end such a short and shit life. Cancer, chemo, cancer, chemo, cancer - chemo not working, done. Is that any way for any one to die? I feel so miserable, I feel so helpless, I feel so fucked.

release - release - release - release - release - trust - trust - trust - trust - trust

I look around at my surroundings (out on the deck) and see such beauty and I breathe in the warm air and give thanks for such simple but profound experiences. The sun just came out from behind a cloud and highlights spots all over the garden. The sound of the fountain at the pond is just another reminder as well. In this moment I am at peace, in this moment life is bliss, in this moment I am god.

My eyes go to my veins but I can just admire their beauty, the amazing complexity of the human body and yes I am reminded of cancer and death but they seem so insignificant in the glory of this awareness. In the distance I do still feel sad and I will have to cry those tears soon, my journey is not done and for now I think I may fall back into the illusion but I give thanks for this writing and that experience, because every time that happens the load gets lighter and I get stronger, bigger, and more POWERFUL!!!!!! Muahahahha.

The End.

Summer Days

Slow....summer...days....

Seems I am experiencing a time of peace, in all aspects, and I am not sure to say thank you or to start digging. I think I will just let it be.

Not much to report, cancer cells have been beaten back to within normal ranges and I started taking a protein pill to stop cell growth...might work, might not :P

Posts will probably slow down and I think I might start formatting for the book. We shall see - only time will tell!

Enjoy the weather all :)