I suppose I am still new to the whole cancer-patient lifestyle but there is one thing that is standing out to me more and more these days and that is how absolutely BORING it can be. I feel that I am being asked now to finally face my boredom. Boredom sprouts from inactivity. Before I was diagnosed I was a boring person. I played computer games for the majority of my life. No wonder I had this wake up call, eh?
But now that I am struggling for my own livelihood it feels like I have to prove to myself why I deserve to live. Perhaps this is the wrong attitude to take but it is dominant right now. Why should my life be spared? I could just go back to my life on the computer but I have a feeling that life would not approve.
So I have ventured off into lands of music, art, cooking, web design, etc in hopes that something will really catch my interest and so far nothing really has. Now, I have been told I push myself too hard sometimes, and maybe I am forcing it a little, but hey...it feels like my very existance is being challenged here! If i don't find a good reason to keep living I will just pass away! It sounds silly as I write it out but I wonder if other patients feel this way.
Passion I feel binds us to the world. Taking an interest in everthing, as some people naturally do, connects you to this playground we call life. I don't really share this interest in everything, I dont know why and it kind of makes me sad. That was one of my problems at university; I couldn't find anything I was really interested in except for medieval history which is still too boring a career for me I think.
I have been doing pretty well at finding little things here and there though. Little ignitions are happening and I have hope. I think I will find something and soon hopefully, the search just continues...more on this later...
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
On Death
Life is a funny thing. I find that it likes to slap us around a little. I suppose that is what we get for taking it too seriously sometimes. Last Friday I was going in to the hospital to find out if my leukemia was in remission or not. Always a fun day. Physically I had felt pretty good for the previous week and I went into the hospital thinking everything was going to be fine.
After enduring the hospital waiting game, which at times can be worse than any disease, I got called in. I have become quite familiar with the printouts of my blood counts. After they take blood they are able to analyze it and determine the exact levels of your hemoglobin, leukocytes, platelets, neutrophils and all the other components of your blood. Being eager as I was to find out how my counts were doing I looked at the sheet. Shit. Hemoglobin was lower than before. My first leukemia, AML, was the type that dropped your hemoglobin (red blood cells). The other counts looked good but my red blood cells, oh no!
The human brain jumps to the worst possible scenarios: “Oh god, AML is back, I am fucked.” and “This cancer is too aggressive, I will be dead in a year...” At the same time though, there was a strong feeling of calm or acceptance. I was afraid of death and I really didn't want to die when I was going through AML (Acute Myeloid Leukemia) back in January. I pulled through that though and felt like I was given a second chance at life and I rebuilt my body with care and hard work JUST to find out that cancer was back again. I went through something big though. You see, when the same leukemia returns within a short period of time, it is very aggressive and wants you dead. In my grief and sadness I became comfortable with the idea of death. Then I found out it was a different cancer, a childhood form of cancer (ALL), that has an extremely high remission rate.
I like to believe that life, or the universe, or whatever god you might believe in, they all bring us things we need to grow. In my mind, we come as souls to this planet to learn and ultimately evolve. My mom used to refer to earth as a boarding school for souls. You come here to learn and leave when you are done or if you lose your way. And I find comfort in the belief that souls can return to this world as many times as it takes to achieve the learning. But I'm digressing...
Back to the hospital room – sitting there waiting for the doctor with these fearful thoughts running through my head and a little sadness around the idea of dying. Sadness yes, but not fear. I don't like the idea of leaving so many good, amazing, and loving friends and family behind. Sure my troubles will be over when I die but what about everyone else? I went through hell when my mom died, it sucked! So a few minutes go by like this and then my doctor passes by and peeks at my blood counts as he's going to another appointment. I laugh a nervous kind of “I'm fucked” laugh as he pauses. He then says “looks good” and moves on.
Waves of relief rush over me. All that worry, all those fearful thoughts of AML returning, having to go through the intense chemotherapy again and forever, doctors giving up because my disease is too aggressive, so many fearful thoughts all washed away. Ahh, I did it again. I fell into the trap. I forgot to trust!
You see, as I said, life likes to slap us around a little. Where there is potential for fear, one will usually experience it on very intense levels before it has even happened! Then, when it does happen, it is never as bad as you would have thought. In fact it is usually the opposite and you walk away from the experience with new insight or even joy. This is why it is so important to try and keep your mind in the present moment. I won't go into all the reasons why, Eckhart Tolle writes volumes on it. Keeping your mind in the present helps you avoid so much anxiety, so much negative thinking. It helps you overcome fear.
Along with “being in the now” it is also important to take a non-judgmental attitude towards everything that happens. Try not to view things as bad or good. They are what they are. The “best” things in life can often lead to being considered the most disastrous and at the same time the most “horrible” things in life can become the most beautiful.*
Only 40% of A.L.L. patients survive passed 5 years. And A.L.L. has the highest rate out of all the blood cancers. It is quite possible that I will die in the next few years. Although death does not scare me anymore (it is the big unknown but everyone has to face it some time in their life) I do feel a great deal of grief around possibly leaving so early. In my belief, souls leave when they have learned what they need to learn from that lifetime, or if they have become too caught up in the illusion of life. A soul, especially a soul that has seen many lifetimes, that sets out what it wants to learn and then gets too distracted or scared to accomplish that goal while in a human body, will most likely leave and start again in another form. They are here for the human experience!
What we must always remember, what I must always remember, is that we are always safe. There is really nothing to be afraid of and all spiritual masters know this. Death to me is so unknown. Perhaps we are just purely biological, bunches of moving matter with big brains that one day will cease to move and breathe; lights out, finished. But that is a boring perspective. I prefer the view that in death we transform to our purest, highest evolved self, the soul – the light – the love, and that we return to our source of such warmth and joy as never experienced in a human body. There we can remain or we can choose again to re-enter the playground that is life and incarnate into a beautiful baby. Millions of souls always coming and going, always interacting with one another, bringing each other the experiences we need to grow, to learn, to love. This perspective feels right to me.
When someone dies, especially a loved one, I think it is important to feel the sadness that they are gone, but to also rejoice in their leaving. I wish this for my friends and family. I plan on living many long years. Plans have a habit of going wrong though and if I leave, I want to look back at this world, at my friends and loved ones and see that they are happy for me and anyone else that dies.
On a less morbid note I encourage everyone to always face their fears. Fear is a powerful force that can work against you and possibly leave you crippled but like everything else it is only there to help. Charge headlong into your fear and it will evaporate and leave you feeling so much better and more powerful than before. You will find new passion, ambition and joy for life and in return get a richer and fuller experience. Trust in life. We are always safe!
*I should be clear here that this doesn't mean deny happiness and joy in your life nor sadness. Feel those things as they come. Emotion is, after all, a huge part of the human experience, hehe.
After enduring the hospital waiting game, which at times can be worse than any disease, I got called in. I have become quite familiar with the printouts of my blood counts. After they take blood they are able to analyze it and determine the exact levels of your hemoglobin, leukocytes, platelets, neutrophils and all the other components of your blood. Being eager as I was to find out how my counts were doing I looked at the sheet. Shit. Hemoglobin was lower than before. My first leukemia, AML, was the type that dropped your hemoglobin (red blood cells). The other counts looked good but my red blood cells, oh no!
The human brain jumps to the worst possible scenarios: “Oh god, AML is back, I am fucked.” and “This cancer is too aggressive, I will be dead in a year...” At the same time though, there was a strong feeling of calm or acceptance. I was afraid of death and I really didn't want to die when I was going through AML (Acute Myeloid Leukemia) back in January. I pulled through that though and felt like I was given a second chance at life and I rebuilt my body with care and hard work JUST to find out that cancer was back again. I went through something big though. You see, when the same leukemia returns within a short period of time, it is very aggressive and wants you dead. In my grief and sadness I became comfortable with the idea of death. Then I found out it was a different cancer, a childhood form of cancer (ALL), that has an extremely high remission rate.
I like to believe that life, or the universe, or whatever god you might believe in, they all bring us things we need to grow. In my mind, we come as souls to this planet to learn and ultimately evolve. My mom used to refer to earth as a boarding school for souls. You come here to learn and leave when you are done or if you lose your way. And I find comfort in the belief that souls can return to this world as many times as it takes to achieve the learning. But I'm digressing...
Back to the hospital room – sitting there waiting for the doctor with these fearful thoughts running through my head and a little sadness around the idea of dying. Sadness yes, but not fear. I don't like the idea of leaving so many good, amazing, and loving friends and family behind. Sure my troubles will be over when I die but what about everyone else? I went through hell when my mom died, it sucked! So a few minutes go by like this and then my doctor passes by and peeks at my blood counts as he's going to another appointment. I laugh a nervous kind of “I'm fucked” laugh as he pauses. He then says “looks good” and moves on.
Waves of relief rush over me. All that worry, all those fearful thoughts of AML returning, having to go through the intense chemotherapy again and forever, doctors giving up because my disease is too aggressive, so many fearful thoughts all washed away. Ahh, I did it again. I fell into the trap. I forgot to trust!
You see, as I said, life likes to slap us around a little. Where there is potential for fear, one will usually experience it on very intense levels before it has even happened! Then, when it does happen, it is never as bad as you would have thought. In fact it is usually the opposite and you walk away from the experience with new insight or even joy. This is why it is so important to try and keep your mind in the present moment. I won't go into all the reasons why, Eckhart Tolle writes volumes on it. Keeping your mind in the present helps you avoid so much anxiety, so much negative thinking. It helps you overcome fear.
Along with “being in the now” it is also important to take a non-judgmental attitude towards everything that happens. Try not to view things as bad or good. They are what they are. The “best” things in life can often lead to being considered the most disastrous and at the same time the most “horrible” things in life can become the most beautiful.*
Only 40% of A.L.L. patients survive passed 5 years. And A.L.L. has the highest rate out of all the blood cancers. It is quite possible that I will die in the next few years. Although death does not scare me anymore (it is the big unknown but everyone has to face it some time in their life) I do feel a great deal of grief around possibly leaving so early. In my belief, souls leave when they have learned what they need to learn from that lifetime, or if they have become too caught up in the illusion of life. A soul, especially a soul that has seen many lifetimes, that sets out what it wants to learn and then gets too distracted or scared to accomplish that goal while in a human body, will most likely leave and start again in another form. They are here for the human experience!
What we must always remember, what I must always remember, is that we are always safe. There is really nothing to be afraid of and all spiritual masters know this. Death to me is so unknown. Perhaps we are just purely biological, bunches of moving matter with big brains that one day will cease to move and breathe; lights out, finished. But that is a boring perspective. I prefer the view that in death we transform to our purest, highest evolved self, the soul – the light – the love, and that we return to our source of such warmth and joy as never experienced in a human body. There we can remain or we can choose again to re-enter the playground that is life and incarnate into a beautiful baby. Millions of souls always coming and going, always interacting with one another, bringing each other the experiences we need to grow, to learn, to love. This perspective feels right to me.
When someone dies, especially a loved one, I think it is important to feel the sadness that they are gone, but to also rejoice in their leaving. I wish this for my friends and family. I plan on living many long years. Plans have a habit of going wrong though and if I leave, I want to look back at this world, at my friends and loved ones and see that they are happy for me and anyone else that dies.
On a less morbid note I encourage everyone to always face their fears. Fear is a powerful force that can work against you and possibly leave you crippled but like everything else it is only there to help. Charge headlong into your fear and it will evaporate and leave you feeling so much better and more powerful than before. You will find new passion, ambition and joy for life and in return get a richer and fuller experience. Trust in life. We are always safe!
*I should be clear here that this doesn't mean deny happiness and joy in your life nor sadness. Feel those things as they come. Emotion is, after all, a huge part of the human experience, hehe.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
A shifting
I feel like a different person. I was at home yesterday just re-experiencing the little things that made day to day life go by over there, and although my muscles were weaker and easier to tire, I felt lighter and happier than I have been in a long time. Now, of course, being home again after three weeks would have this effect on anyone who loves their home, but this was more.
Ever since I started this second adventure with cancer - although it's more like an adventure with chemo - I have found a new level of present-moment awareness that I never felt before. And with that awareness has come such amazing joy and beauty every day. There will always be, and there was, struggle. Struggle is essential to see the beauty. I experienced some of the greatest pain from a "regular" chemotheraphy side effect in young males (yes, it involved my balls), and although it was temporary, as most physical pain is, it really help you appreciate even more the things we take for granted in our lives - like sitting down!
Before I move on I should mention that pain is one of the biggest anti-moment initiators in life. You want to be as far away from the pain as possible. I struggled a little with this, because my mind wanted to constantly jump to the future but then questions would come up like "How long will I have to endure this?!" "Will I need surgury?" "My balls are going to be cut off!" and that just wasnt needed. What I did instead was focus on a happy place to please my mind and ask for morphine when I needed to move, haha.
Returning now though to life, being in this constant state of now (Eckhart Tolle would approve) has really shown doorways into bliss. Yesterday at home I was standing in light rain, waiting for my family, staring down a street at people coming and going, leaves swaying gently in the grey sky, the warm light radiating from all the little shops, it was all just so perfect. I have seen so many of these moments now, since coming to the hospital and practicing living in the moment.
The best thing is, this practice, these events, have an effect on your soul. I felt filled with warmth and happiness just from staring down a street! And you can't do nothing else except take that happiness with you and re-express it to everyone you interact with. It is a force that flows from anything to everything and in my mind proof of the oneness of life.
I remember coming back to the hospital from a home visit last time was one of the hardest things to do. It felt like my soul was being ripped out of my body - I just wanted to stay at home and forget all this silly cancer business and treatments, lame food, nurses waking you up at six in the morning to take blood, etc. This time around I had no such feelings only a serene trust that it was all unfolding perfectly as it should. It really is too, I give so much thanks to this second round of cancer, I think I am learning a lot and I can feel the change so much already.
Ever since I started this second adventure with cancer - although it's more like an adventure with chemo - I have found a new level of present-moment awareness that I never felt before. And with that awareness has come such amazing joy and beauty every day. There will always be, and there was, struggle. Struggle is essential to see the beauty. I experienced some of the greatest pain from a "regular" chemotheraphy side effect in young males (yes, it involved my balls), and although it was temporary, as most physical pain is, it really help you appreciate even more the things we take for granted in our lives - like sitting down!
Before I move on I should mention that pain is one of the biggest anti-moment initiators in life. You want to be as far away from the pain as possible. I struggled a little with this, because my mind wanted to constantly jump to the future but then questions would come up like "How long will I have to endure this?!" "Will I need surgury?" "My balls are going to be cut off!" and that just wasnt needed. What I did instead was focus on a happy place to please my mind and ask for morphine when I needed to move, haha.
Returning now though to life, being in this constant state of now (Eckhart Tolle would approve) has really shown doorways into bliss. Yesterday at home I was standing in light rain, waiting for my family, staring down a street at people coming and going, leaves swaying gently in the grey sky, the warm light radiating from all the little shops, it was all just so perfect. I have seen so many of these moments now, since coming to the hospital and practicing living in the moment.
The best thing is, this practice, these events, have an effect on your soul. I felt filled with warmth and happiness just from staring down a street! And you can't do nothing else except take that happiness with you and re-express it to everyone you interact with. It is a force that flows from anything to everything and in my mind proof of the oneness of life.
I remember coming back to the hospital from a home visit last time was one of the hardest things to do. It felt like my soul was being ripped out of my body - I just wanted to stay at home and forget all this silly cancer business and treatments, lame food, nurses waking you up at six in the morning to take blood, etc. This time around I had no such feelings only a serene trust that it was all unfolding perfectly as it should. It really is too, I give so much thanks to this second round of cancer, I think I am learning a lot and I can feel the change so much already.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
The Constant
The day was soon after I had just found out I had cancer again. I was so sad. So depressed. I have never been an angry person but try as I might I would feebly try to piece together WHY ME- why was this happening AGAIN. I was soaking in a bath, wallowing in my misery, tears and sobs of such sadness. I stepped out of the bath finally and met myself in the bathroom mirror. I observed myself, took in my young body, my skin, my muscles, veins, water droplets, enlarged lymph nodes (due to the cancer), all of it.
I was brought to my face. Ah the face, the centre of the utmost intense emotional expression. My poor face was so sad; so distraught and stressed under the pressures of all the crying.
Then suddenly my focus was brought to my eyes. My eyes. Two shining beacons of constant light. At least that's what they seemed to be in contrast to the rest of my face. The eyes were beyond my face, and they shone with a warmth from beyond this world. It was amazing. It made me smile. It made me laugh.
This was a turning point for me...
I was brought to my face. Ah the face, the centre of the utmost intense emotional expression. My poor face was so sad; so distraught and stressed under the pressures of all the crying.
Then suddenly my focus was brought to my eyes. My eyes. Two shining beacons of constant light. At least that's what they seemed to be in contrast to the rest of my face. The eyes were beyond my face, and they shone with a warmth from beyond this world. It was amazing. It made me smile. It made me laugh.
This was a turning point for me...
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Crushed
A piece of writing I did a month or so ago before the Leukemia fell back on my lap:
It feels as if I am being crushed...but then it is gone. There is a giant body of fear lingering, hovering, waiting above me, waiting for the right moments to apply pressure. It comes and goes but I feel as if its ultimate purpose here is to stamp out my existence here on this earth. It would have me believe this, but I know better.
The human body is a conduit of expression for the soul. The soul is here, on this earth, to grow through experiences found only through the human body. The soul will incarnate into a body and experience what is required in that lifetime in order for growth. It will return, many lifetimes, until it has accomplished what it has set out to do. So many souls, all interacting, all weaving together – bringing each other the experiences required for evolution on the level of the spirit.
Human beings, you and I, come from a purity so powerful, so brilliant and so warm it can only be the stuff of love. I see this purity in everyone around me and it makes me smile. Mothers, sons, lovers, leaders, and even criminals – they are all perfect – souls just experiencing what life has to offer for them and then moving on.
It is only in the human body that we can experience loss, anger, sadness, fear, and all the physical manifestations (illness and disease) that a soul desires to experience for growth. At the same time though it is here that we can express and experience joy, lust, awe, inspiration and love. We are such powerful creators – we create and bring to us these experiences as we need them and only when we are ready for them.
...to be continued?
It feels as if I am being crushed...but then it is gone. There is a giant body of fear lingering, hovering, waiting above me, waiting for the right moments to apply pressure. It comes and goes but I feel as if its ultimate purpose here is to stamp out my existence here on this earth. It would have me believe this, but I know better.
The human body is a conduit of expression for the soul. The soul is here, on this earth, to grow through experiences found only through the human body. The soul will incarnate into a body and experience what is required in that lifetime in order for growth. It will return, many lifetimes, until it has accomplished what it has set out to do. So many souls, all interacting, all weaving together – bringing each other the experiences required for evolution on the level of the spirit.
Human beings, you and I, come from a purity so powerful, so brilliant and so warm it can only be the stuff of love. I see this purity in everyone around me and it makes me smile. Mothers, sons, lovers, leaders, and even criminals – they are all perfect – souls just experiencing what life has to offer for them and then moving on.
It is only in the human body that we can experience loss, anger, sadness, fear, and all the physical manifestations (illness and disease) that a soul desires to experience for growth. At the same time though it is here that we can express and experience joy, lust, awe, inspiration and love. We are such powerful creators – we create and bring to us these experiences as we need them and only when we are ready for them.
...to be continued?
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
What was and is...
Whenever I talk to nurses or other cancer patients here at PMH I often joke about how I am sampling all the different types of blood cancers. I am somewhat of an anomaly in the world of leukemia. Back in January I had a type of cancer called Acute Myeloid Leukemia. It was the type that seemed to mainly thwart the red blood cells in your blood depriving your body of oxygen. The new disease I have now is Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia and it is more commonly found in children. From what I understand it is the explosive growth of underdeveloped white blood cells which eventually overrun your other healthy cells in the blood.
The reason I am considered rare is because usually the same kind of cancer will return, being called a relapse, and if it comes back fast you are usually pretty fucked. But just for me I got a new cancer and nobody is really quite sure what to make of it. Tests are being done and it may be the same disease in new clothing or a new disease caused by the chemo from the AML, but whatever the reason - its rare.
The treatments so far, like the two diseases, have been quite different. Of course they are both treated with chemotherapy but chemo itself has many different types and combinations. For AML everything seemed so much more intense. I entered the hospital barely able to walk, the chemo they gave me made me so sick for days on end, and I wasted away sixty lbs of body mass. FUN STUFF!
With the new cancer (ALL) things seem to be much more mellow. I felt fine when I was diagnosed - physically that is, emotionally I was a huge wreck. Only difference was a swelling of the lymph nodes and some stomach pain. So it seems that in accordance with this, the treatment also seems to be less drastic. The chemo has had little effect on me so far in terms of nausia and my strength is keeping much better.
The reason I am really writing about this is because I wanted to mention an interesting observation I have come across. We have this fun little animal card deck at home and I have drawn cards from it - not intentionally to seek out wisdom or anything but just because they were lying around. During AML I pulled the lion card and images and representations of the lion kept coming to me. The lion in most cases represents mainly strength sometimes in combination with healing. If any sort of attributes were required for AML strengh is indeed the best one to have. The extremely intense treatment requires one to be equally intense and strong.
After a poker night with the guys we all pulled some cards for shits and giggles and I got the snake. Now, with ALL, I cant stop thinking about the snake. This animal is coming to me in images and really resting on my thoughts. It is the snake. I have always had an inherent fear of snakes. Snakes are really perfect for this though because they represent transformation, rebirth, and healing (as well as sexuality). There are stories about snake poison being manipulated to form powerful healing medicines and there really is no better way to capture the essence of chemotherapy.
Any experience like this one, any experience of crises, has immense potential for transformation and growth. What we are sometimes requried to do is just to surrender to the horror, the fear, the poison and let it serve its purpose to ultimately lead to a renewed and cleansed self.
The reason I am considered rare is because usually the same kind of cancer will return, being called a relapse, and if it comes back fast you are usually pretty fucked. But just for me I got a new cancer and nobody is really quite sure what to make of it. Tests are being done and it may be the same disease in new clothing or a new disease caused by the chemo from the AML, but whatever the reason - its rare.
The treatments so far, like the two diseases, have been quite different. Of course they are both treated with chemotherapy but chemo itself has many different types and combinations. For AML everything seemed so much more intense. I entered the hospital barely able to walk, the chemo they gave me made me so sick for days on end, and I wasted away sixty lbs of body mass. FUN STUFF!
With the new cancer (ALL) things seem to be much more mellow. I felt fine when I was diagnosed - physically that is, emotionally I was a huge wreck. Only difference was a swelling of the lymph nodes and some stomach pain. So it seems that in accordance with this, the treatment also seems to be less drastic. The chemo has had little effect on me so far in terms of nausia and my strength is keeping much better.
The reason I am really writing about this is because I wanted to mention an interesting observation I have come across. We have this fun little animal card deck at home and I have drawn cards from it - not intentionally to seek out wisdom or anything but just because they were lying around. During AML I pulled the lion card and images and representations of the lion kept coming to me. The lion in most cases represents mainly strength sometimes in combination with healing. If any sort of attributes were required for AML strengh is indeed the best one to have. The extremely intense treatment requires one to be equally intense and strong.
After a poker night with the guys we all pulled some cards for shits and giggles and I got the snake. Now, with ALL, I cant stop thinking about the snake. This animal is coming to me in images and really resting on my thoughts. It is the snake. I have always had an inherent fear of snakes. Snakes are really perfect for this though because they represent transformation, rebirth, and healing (as well as sexuality). There are stories about snake poison being manipulated to form powerful healing medicines and there really is no better way to capture the essence of chemotherapy.
Any experience like this one, any experience of crises, has immense potential for transformation and growth. What we are sometimes requried to do is just to surrender to the horror, the fear, the poison and let it serve its purpose to ultimately lead to a renewed and cleansed self.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Presence of Mind
People generally don't like crises. I have to say though, once you're in the thick of it, you can become incredibly grateful for the experience. For one, NOTHING brings people together like crises, haha. Aside from seeing all your friends and family again and having some good times with them there is much more. I have learned a great deal ever since I got leukemia. It will take me many months to write out everything I have learned but I thought I would just mention one extremely powerful technique to help cope with crises.
I read Eckhart Tolle way back before he was Oprahnized and his book The Power of Now really saved me from being so sad and depressed during my months of recovery and chemotherapy. The central teaching of his book is on keeping your attention focused entirely on the present and achieving peace of mind, or rather, silence of mind, to ultimately enter an enlightened state of being.
Last time I had leukemia I was looking at 3 months of recovery and then some more months of recovery. Now with my new form of Leukemia I got 2 to 3 years ahead of me for treatment. FUCK, EH? Just thinking about it for a second makes me so angry; I can't work, can't attend school, bars, theatres, none of that for 2 to 3 years.
But then I bring my attention to the present. I am sitting in a hospital room, listening to some good music, enjoying the view from my room and writing about what I love. Suddenly a peace overcomes me and this is the way you have to keep going. Honestly it eats away at your soul if you keep your attention elsewhere and only hinders your recovery.
So that is my lesson for today: keep your mind in the present as much as you can. It helps so much in times of crises and also just every-day life. If you want to learn a lot more about this technique and all the othe benefits it has as well as the meditations included to achieving it, read Tolle's book!
I read Eckhart Tolle way back before he was Oprahnized and his book The Power of Now really saved me from being so sad and depressed during my months of recovery and chemotherapy. The central teaching of his book is on keeping your attention focused entirely on the present and achieving peace of mind, or rather, silence of mind, to ultimately enter an enlightened state of being.
Last time I had leukemia I was looking at 3 months of recovery and then some more months of recovery. Now with my new form of Leukemia I got 2 to 3 years ahead of me for treatment. FUCK, EH? Just thinking about it for a second makes me so angry; I can't work, can't attend school, bars, theatres, none of that for 2 to 3 years.
But then I bring my attention to the present. I am sitting in a hospital room, listening to some good music, enjoying the view from my room and writing about what I love. Suddenly a peace overcomes me and this is the way you have to keep going. Honestly it eats away at your soul if you keep your attention elsewhere and only hinders your recovery.
So that is my lesson for today: keep your mind in the present as much as you can. It helps so much in times of crises and also just every-day life. If you want to learn a lot more about this technique and all the othe benefits it has as well as the meditations included to achieving it, read Tolle's book!
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Finding Joy
So! I have been readmitted to Princess Margaret hospital in Toronto. I believe it is one of the best cancer treatment centres in the world and I feel very fortunate to be here. They were not able to get me into the same ward I was in last time, which is a shame because I had made friends there with the staff, but I look forward to new opportunities to make nice with new people.
I had my Hickman line put in yesterday. It is a simple surgury that involves sticking a tube in my chest that runs to my Vena Cava (the big vein that leads to your heart) so they can easily administer all the wonderful antibiotics and chemotherapies required. Yuck. I was hit pretty hard after the surgury and broke down in tears not because of the physical ache in my chest but because it felt like such a step backwards.
You see, ever since I finished with my last chemo round back at the start of the year I have been rebuilding my body. I was in the best shape of my life and they even took out my hickman line early. Then the Cancer returned and now, although I feel fine, they had to put the tube back in. I dislike the feeling of it very much - it is not painful just very unnatural.
What interests me a lot right now though is that I am somewhat of an anomaly now. Often, leukemia will relapse in patients but it will be the same leukemia as before. In my case it switched from Myeloid to Lymphoblastic leukemia (a less severe but still nasty childhood version). Thats enough of that for now though.
What I was really trying to get at for this post was even though everybody goes through stages of intense sadness and depression, as I have been for the past few days, there are always opportunities to find joy in a situation. From engaging in conversation with my very talkative roommate to discovering an AWESOME rooftop terrace in the hopsital where I can hang out and still feel the weather. You really are overcome with a peace and great gratitude for those moments, as long as you are open to recieving them and are able to recognize when they appear.
More to come...
I had my Hickman line put in yesterday. It is a simple surgury that involves sticking a tube in my chest that runs to my Vena Cava (the big vein that leads to your heart) so they can easily administer all the wonderful antibiotics and chemotherapies required. Yuck. I was hit pretty hard after the surgury and broke down in tears not because of the physical ache in my chest but because it felt like such a step backwards.
You see, ever since I finished with my last chemo round back at the start of the year I have been rebuilding my body. I was in the best shape of my life and they even took out my hickman line early. Then the Cancer returned and now, although I feel fine, they had to put the tube back in. I dislike the feeling of it very much - it is not painful just very unnatural.
What interests me a lot right now though is that I am somewhat of an anomaly now. Often, leukemia will relapse in patients but it will be the same leukemia as before. In my case it switched from Myeloid to Lymphoblastic leukemia (a less severe but still nasty childhood version). Thats enough of that for now though.
What I was really trying to get at for this post was even though everybody goes through stages of intense sadness and depression, as I have been for the past few days, there are always opportunities to find joy in a situation. From engaging in conversation with my very talkative roommate to discovering an AWESOME rooftop terrace in the hopsital where I can hang out and still feel the weather. You really are overcome with a peace and great gratitude for those moments, as long as you are open to recieving them and are able to recognize when they appear.
More to come...
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
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