The Game Has Changed: TO WAR

So, a few nights ago, I asked for the events that would trigger the next stage of this journey. Kinda just put it out there and went to sleep. Ooops. Then I went to the hospital. As you may know I was on the take-home chemo pills called hydroxy and everything seemed to be going just fine. Actually, the way it turned out I had lowish Hemoglobin when I started the Hydroxy, and I had to wait 4 days till the next appt (Stupid G20) MAN I WAS TIRED.

So I am impatiently waiting for my blood transfusions and 3 hrs later they tell me its there, along with platelets and CHEMO. I say "chemo?" and she tells me the white count is at 220!! (norm 3-11) But then I enter a state of disbelieve becaues NOTHING is swollen like last time. Lymph nodes are good, no pains, spleen is fine. So the nurses are all confused and order a redraw and I say call Dr. Minden.

He comes in with a concerned look and I say "numbers are spreading lies again" and he shows me the counts again. What has happened he said is that the disease has mutated once again. The cells are just thickening my blood. This is very dangerous if left alone because it can cause brain bleeds, clots, and a whole slew of shit I dont even want to mention. So they gave me some heavier chemo to bring the 220 down and I still get to remain an outpatient. They will just monitor me closely.

So I cried and cried part of me wailing between sobs "It's too much, It's too much..." After about 10 minutes I centered myself and went back to trying to trust in the process. My mind flirting behind is this the next stage or is it all just hubub and I am screwed. Stupid brains. Luckily my Brother david was there to hug and hold me through this, what an amazing guy, couldn't have asked for a better brother. I felt normal for the rest of the day and today. Last night I drank so much water I craved it and it was delicious, it was my God that night. Fucking chemo. At least I tolerate these two very well...

On a funny side note, I was at home for the weekend and I "accidentally" put my cat in a dutch oven :) (that is where you fart under blankets and the smell is contained.)

So I pray that these chemos do their job, and well, pray too for me. I am walking on the edge of a god damn knife here. I asked for an emergency poem from Cynthia, I will leave it for you to read. It turns out there's a lot more to be done, ARG FUCK BALLS GOD DAMNIT SHIT SHIT SHIT FML and blissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

The poem is really interesting and really a huge eye opener to how much more work this is really going to take. GOD DAMNIT. Ok I will shutup in a second, just one more thing, this poem actuallly uses the battle metaphor with cancer. I thought that totally opposite to how this works, but I like it. IT'S GOD DAMN BATTLE TIME BITCHES.

for Nic


REBORN June 28 10

Dear One
What we want to share with you now
is not easy for our human understanding
to accept
but it is indeed
a key to freedom

You are presently deeply engaged
in a battle for your life
against an unseen assailant
This plague comes upon you
with stealth
insidiously from within
and yet it takes hold
of every aspect of life
threatening to change everything
take away everything
and rob you of all joy

The medical defense
is as agonizing
as the attack itself
and you feel as if you have been asked
to give away so many pieces of yourself
it is unimaginable
that there is no tangible reward
for this process
that you are not given news
of respite
of a rest from this incessant
bad dream

You reach within yourself
with the courage of a warrior
no longer planning
but simply acting out the passion
of the moment
and this trust
this surrender to vulnerability
is extraordinarily beautiful

And yes there is clarity
yes there is a rich wisdom
but there is also fear
sweet angel
as there would be
in any man

You are one who leaps
off the canyon lip into nothingness
believing completely that he will soar
and yet
still dreams of being caught
and held safely in loving arms
You are one who has opened his heart
to the truth of giving up all
at the same time
as you want everything
you have every imagined

You are perfection
in these very contradictions
but what we ask you to understand
is that there is a larger picture
a greater process
even than what you have seen
and it is nothing less
than a rebirth
a new creation altogether
of the old Self
to the new

You do see
the beginning of this transformation
and it does give you hope
and joy
But know that there is so much more
that awaits
and you can do this
you are doing this
no matter what the expression
of this disease
in your body

Another way of saying this
is that you are being reborn
and that this process
is not reflected in the simple paradigm
of illness and health
It is not a question
of the mind healing
and then the body becoming well
Such a perspective is vastly limited
compared to the intricate dimensions
of your soul journey at this time

Of course
you want to be well
Of course
you have times of immense grief
that your body seems to fail you
when your heart
is trying so hard
Of course you are angry
at the great unfairness of this experience
not only for yourself
but for those who love you so

And have you noticed the love
that surrounds you at all times?
Are you aware of the light you emanate
and the beautiful hearts that are entwined
with yours?
This is the substance of your empowerment right now
for it is the heart
that is being healed
in these times
and in this immense and profound task
the cancer is in fact
your ally

We do not ask you
to give up the fight
for every expression of your worth
your deserving
your desire for joy
is a moment of nourishment
for your cause
But we ask you to reach toward surrender
even as you continue the battle
for this is the prize
this is the chalice
this is the Golden Fleece

Be free first
beautiful heart
and then all
will be well.

Me Papa

Well I couldn't let my mom get all the attention now could I? I gotta say when it comes to families, I chose the best. We were always you know, not rich, middle class family but they sent me to a private school that cost 8-12k a year or something rediculous because my parents did not like the standard school system. We could barely afford it but I went through all 12 years. It was a Waldorf school if you are interested and I really loved my education there.

Anyway, back to my family being so great...I have 3 siblings, aged 21, 19, and 14. Recently on my rampage to find fuel to clear grief I have been doing a meditation or visualization of one of them dying. Ohhhh man that triggers the tears! It is kind of like this ancient tibetan meditation where you imagine life without a limb. Then you move on to the next limb. This increases your gratitude and appreciation for what you have, what you take for granted! Similarly I have been told I need to clear this attachment to them, to protecting them, because the truth is you really can't save anyone. Now this is really damn hard lol. Holy shit I have strayed. That is just a little update from my life I suppose.

My dad was 25 when I was born - my mom 29. Young fathers ROCK! We formed such a bond right away. I would be at home with my Mom all day then he would come home and we would play and play. Good times. As I grew up my dad was the envy of all the kids because he would always be playing with us. He was the volleyball coach in Gr 7-8. So yea he just always had this youthfulnness, playfulness and gentleness.

When my mom died it hit him really hard because he witnessed his father get shot at the age of 7. His whole world was turned upside down and he lived a very difficult childhood moving from family to family, some of them being abusive, and he was educated by nuns (gross). Actually a lot of kids from his generation had it crazy hard. Some of the stories I have heard is just wow. That is why so many parents now give their kids the best childhoods, as secure as possible, etc etc. Thus the stay-at-home till 30 generation was birthed, lollers!

My dad is also very spiritual like the rest of the family. He became a great healer and reciever of transmissions. All the stuff he recieved was BANG ON. People still refer to his work years after it was recieved. When my mom died he went through a bit of a spiritual crises so to say. He stopped healing work, stopped the readings, and I donno if he lost faith in the clearing process too. Recently though he has been doing so great, I asked him for a healing session and it was the first in 3 years. He is a powerful soul. Very much in tune with the higher realms.

It is getting late and I need my rest I will add more soon!

Me Mama

My mom was no ordinary mom. Well she was for the first 14 years of my life. Then she went through a seperation with my dad that totally changed her world and she grew and learned a lot from that tough experience. She lived what she taught, the main thing being "Healing Through Crises". She was the first person to believe in Cynthia and her received poems and she was there from the start. She had an incredible ability to quote any poem out of thousands because she would be the transcriber of the poems.

Many mornings I woke up to find her on my computer transcribing in the dark room with just the monitor glow on her face. She seemed to get younger and younger every day with the work she was doing. She helped so many people and was fearless in sharing her "wonky" beliefs with anyone she met. We had such good walks together. At the time I was heavily addicted to computer games and I missed so much of her. That and she was often out and about - never in the kitchen! - with Cyn, taking care of those in crises and working through their own. But on our walks I could talk freely about spirituality and she learned me everything I know now.

My mom loved all her children unconditionally, for who we all were. Even as afraid as we were of the world she just continued to love us all so much. Man, I am crying buckets writing this but that was my intent. I was stuck in a fucking video game for so long while she was around and then one day she left.

It was so sudden, so unexpected, she was in good health as far as we could tell...I awoke that morning to see her on my comp, soft glow on her face, looking young as ever, and transcribing a reading that had been recorded for her. I went upstairs to take a bath. In the bath I heard muffled yelling coming from the basement (my room at the time). My brother in law, Travis, who my mom took in with such open arms and they quickly became quite bonded, was yelling something about choking. I hopped out of the bath and put a towel on around my waist. Robert ran up and said "mom is choking" and Travis passed me the phone and I punched in 911.

I wasn't ready for what I saw next. My mom had fallen from the computer chair and onto the floor and was trying to breathe. I somehow managed to keep my cool and followed the police woman's instructions. She had me do CPR and check the throat for any blockages. Sticking your two big fingers down your mom's throat is an interesting experience...

About 7 minutes went by with me trying to resuscitate my mom and then the paramedics got there and took over. At this point the towel I had was kind of falling off so I went upstairs and put some clothes on. Then it hit me, the realization that what was actually going on was real. I met my sister Liz in the hallway and we hugged and both started crying.

The paramedics, having stabilized her, got her up and out of the basement and into the ambulance. It was out of our hands now, out of our house. Cynthia and some other friends rushed in and consoled us. All we could do was wait. Some dickweed officer was asking us questions without any feeling or sentiment, and he got yelled at by one of our friends (haha, go Penny!). So another nicer officer came in to ask the followup questions.

About 20 minutes later we got a phonecall from a friend who was with my mom. I will never forget the look on my dad's face when he heard what he did. An instant expression of the utmost sadness and then he blurted out "she's dead, she's dead". Everyone started crying, so much shock and tears. Then everyone in the house all went off to grieve in seperate areas. I went down to my room and smashed shit around threw a chair. There is crying and then there is grief-crying and man you can't help but wail and moan. When I was somewhat calmer I cleaned up the jewelry and shirts my mom was wearing which they cut off. There was also some white foam that I cleaned amidst so much crying and just "WHY".

Everyone knew she was doing the work, the spiritual tasks asked of her, and leading by example. Why would she leave? The reason was later revealed but at the time it was so maddening. My faith took a big hit. But then I looked at the comp I shit you not, the place where she was writing went like this "....For one whos time has come.../////////ffffffddddddddddddddddd". The document is somewhere on a backup CD that I have to find.

We went to see her at the hospital. There she was, her body, the shell, empty now...her poor dad and some other friends were there. I put my hand on her cold hand and kissed her forehead then left. The worst part about losing someone is that you can't physically be with them, hold them, hug them. All I wanted was just to hug her like the previous night. We actually had a little bit of a good bye. I was on my computer and she was doing laundry and I turned to her and said "mom, i am sorry if i have been ignoring you recently" she stopped going up the stairs and came to stand infront of me. She said something like "I will always love you nomatter what" that was who she was and then we hugged a long hug, a good hug, one I still remember. Then I woke up to see her on my comp soft monitor glow on her face looking younger every day...

I have been shown...

Oh boy oh boy, the other night I think I talked with the archangel Michael and then my mom...can't remember shit though...maybe it's the drugs.

The drugs....Yea I started the chemo pill today. I kind of scared Dr. Minden because I wanted to see how I could influence the progress of cancer without chemo. I concluded that I have indeed slowed down its progress but I ate too much whiteflower for there to be total stoppage / slower progress. I am very curious to see what would happen if I was to go on a very strict vegetable soup or salad diet. Cancer needs very specific conditions to grow. Ah, im probably way too acidic to try it now. So anyway, Dr. Minden walks into our meeting thinking that I have been on the pill (lawl) and the white count still shot up and he was VERY relieved to find out I hadn't started yet. While other doctors might have got mad or scolded me he just laughed and upped the chemo dose, lol.

He and I both know that chemo really isn't going to do anything so the plan is to keep me on this one pill that keeps the white blood cells (the ones that are exploding right now) down to a controllable level and then run some other techniques, clinical trials, whatever. They took 3 vials of blood today to see what is triggering my cells to grow, so that hopefully they can produce a very specific med to stop that action. Perhaps this is one way cancer care will go. It is all very exciting and cutting edge!

As you know I have been pondering to myself what the hell the spiritual reason is behind the cancer still being present. Two nights ago I was shown. GRIEF. I was lying in bed with a vision of myself kind of on my last few minutes before dying, on our living room couch, all my loved ones around me sobbing, so much crying, so much love but way more sadness. So I started balling and then it hit me, I still have a lot of grief to release. In a past reading (1 on 1 session with Cyn) she said that I have this massive body of grief that hovers above me, accumulated through many lifetimes, and well a lot in this life time. It is the reason behind why I hunch over apparently, and recently I have been hunching over to the point of back pains. Last night I stretched my back out on the floor and put my legs on the bed, it was soooooo fucking nice.

So I mean it shouldnt be hard to move this grief, I have a lot of triggers (mom dead, grandma dead, my possible future death) and you know what the counter to grief is? Joy. Be in trust and be in joy. That is my quest for the next little while. Oh and to cry like a fucking baby until all this grief is gone. I thought it was gone TBH but I think it was just ignored.

Hey, funny story. I woke up with a bump on my ass cheek. I felt it, it was pretty hard and sore, so of course the human mind jumps to worst case scenerios and I think tumour. "Thats the last thing I need" as I get out of bed. I asked Minden about it at the end of our meeting and he touched my butt. LOL then he says, "its probably just a bruise" and then I kick myself. I was out playing soccer yesterday with the chaps (and soccer for me right now is kicking the ball a few times and then lying down in the grass). As I was laying down I might have sat on a stick or acorn or something. Isn't that the nature of life? You freak out with mind created illusions and then you find out everythings alllllllright.

Moved into Paradise but then Found Out A Nasty Secret...

So last friday I got discharged and life has been pretty awesome, I gotta say. After a few days at home I moved in with my foster family and wow...what a beautiful home they have, in every way. The house itself has columns and a mural in the greek stlyle, lots of light, and lots of space. My room isn't too big but my bed is next to a window which lets the nice breezes and summer scents in. The best part is from my room I look onto the backyard. Now the backyard has a pond, with a fountain, OMG...the sound of lightly falling water 24/7 is sooooo nice. The backyard also has a beautiful deck with lots of comfy seating for us to laze about.

The family itself is very warm and caring. The mom is a pharmacist (I worked one of my first jobs at her pharmacy doing deliveries) so she takes care of teh drugs. It is truly nice to get a script and just hand it off to her without any worry. The dad is a computer programmer which turns out to be really sweet cuz I just bought a new comp and he showed me some neat tricks in setting it up. They are hungarian so they watch soccer every day and make hungarian food which I was raised on. Every meal I love. The kids are great, one is my age, one is in gr 11, and the youngest is in gr 4. His name is Adam, and he will not give me an inch of space. He is pretty excited to have me here, lawl.

I never even thought to ask for this kind of awesome setup, I didnt even dare consider it! Ugh that non-deserving? Or no, its a bit odd to ask for someone to take you in, I am glad they offered. I think on a subconscious level I did ask for this though, and they heard my call. So yea life has been pretty sweet.

Now, here comes the surprise, uhhhh drumroll....I STILL HAVE CANCER. Yea...first day back at hospital getting bloodwork done and white count was up at 30. Everything else progressing really well, except dem fucking white cells. I was actually suspiscous before leaving the hospital, because my white count jumped from 0.1 to .04 over night and it was too fast. Then they ordered a MUGA scan, which you usually do before chemo cuz it checks the strength of your heart, so I was puzzled. Turns out, they saw the blasts already when I was an inpatient! I guess they thought I might take it badly and they wanted me to have a happy discharge.

Now, here is the cool part, I didn't have any reaction except calm. I was a little surprised, because I thought this could only happen to someone with shit attitiude and no will to live (like that other guy). I also thought it was my fault - and this is DANGEROUS. I had been kind of eating a lot of sweets and uh frappucinos and whatnot kind of believing that I would be cancer free until well....a later date, after I had done a bunch of good work. But then I remembered, no, cancer was there already when I was inpatient. It is part of the process, trust, trust, trust, you just have more work to do. Never blame yourself. Way bigger forces at work.

Now in my case I lined up a few reasons why it is still here. 1) I am done soul growth and it is time to go (shens). 2) I still have more growth to experience (Hmmm, I donno, maybe). 3) I am meant to cure this cancer without chemotherapy (Now, wouldn't that be sexy).

So here are my options as laid out by Doctor Minden. First is heavy chemotherapy, just like the first round of ALL, which overall was pretty mild but involved those fucking steroids (prednizone) that make you depressed and make your face fat. YUCK. The next option kind of fell through already but there is a small possibility...uh, its a clinical trial testing a protein that tells cells to stop growing - like a gentle chemotherapy. I really liked the sound of this but when Minden went to page the lady running the study he found out it was shut down and the lady was sick somewhere on a train. Fuck. The third option is to stay on these chemo pills that just bring down your white count. So that is the option I am going with for now. At least to give me a break from the heavy shit.

Whatever the reason it is no random occurance. Remember when I said there was a 2-5% chance of this happening? Well it happened. Coincidence? Uh, no? I need more of lady cancer, so the dance will continue. Fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck ass fuck chemotherapy fuck. But yea...onwards.

The Power of Surrender

One of the most important things about this spiritual approach to healing, to growth, to transformation, is to be able to surrender to what seems most horrible, most terrifying, and most dreaded! Well that's the extreme end of it. You must also be able to recognize and surrender to the little things as well. Let me explain.

Surrender walks hand in hand with trust; trust in life, trust in god, the universe, the powers that be, whatever. When I was first admitted to the hospital I swore to myself to accept and trust in what the doctors and experts say and do. Heh now look at me, telling doctors to shove their anti-fungals up their ass...oh well, what is important is that I had the attitude of allowance and surrender upon entering this mess. This may seem like common sense but I have seen some patients who put up a huge fuss, massive resistance, to medications, to water (funny story), to the scarier things like bone marrow aspirations and lumbar punctures.

The worst lumbar puncture I had I was in a state where I was like "is this really necessary - can't we just leave it at 3 LPs and not do a 4th?" and holy shit did it go wrong. He stabbed me 3-4 times and missed until the last one. The numbing agent wore off around the 2nd poke, I had spine pain for a few months afterwards.

You see, when you meet anything with resistance, it puts a signal out that you are not fully open and trusting in life. And then life slaps you on the wrist, repeatedly, and in relation to how much you are resisting. As you know, my most recent LP went incredibly well, almost unnoticable, because even though in the back of my mind I knew it to be unnecessary (they do it just to cover all their bases and make sure nothing is hiding out in the spinal column by injecting a little chemo in thar), I allowed it, I surrendered to their judgement.

Now of course dont be a fucking limp noodle / doormat to everyone's will. When you are aware enough you will see when to surrender and when to make a stand. You will feel it. You will know. That's another great thing about growing on a soul level, you just begin to know things. People go to Eckhart Tolle's talks, the Dalai Lama's talks just to hear their words, not even to acknowledge them as words carrying meaning, just to hear them. This is because they come from a place of knowing, a place of such truth, and people will resonate with just that alone.

Actually let me leave you with a story of surrender found in Tolle's book The Power of Now (or maybe it was A New Earth, fuck I read them too long ago):

There was a Zen Master who was very pure and very enlightened. Near the place where he lived there happened to be a local food stand. The owner of the local food stand had a beautiful unmarried daughter. One day she became pregnant and soon gave birth to a little boy. Her parents became enraged. They wanted to know who the father was, but she would not give them his name. After repeated scolding and harassment, she gave up and told them it was the Zen Master living near them. The parents believed her. When the child was born they ran to the Zen Master, scolding him with foul tongue, and then left the baby boy with him. The Zen Master said, “Is that so” and this was his only comment.

He accepted the child. He started nourishing and taking care of the boy. By this time his reputation had come to an end, and he was the object of mockery. Days ran into weeks, weeks into months and months into years. The young girl was tortured by her conscience. One day she finally disclosed to her parents the name of the child’s real father, a man who worked in a fish market nearby. The parents again became enraged. At the same time, sorrow and humiliation tortured the household. They came running to the spiritual Master, begged his pardon, narrated the whole story and then took the child back. The Zen Master’s only comment was: “Is that so” and gave back the child willingly.

This rings true with Rumi's teaching of accepting disgrace and giving up your good name. Always loved that story. SO! work on your ability to surrender, actually I think I will add more to this post but right now I need a huge fucking burger. Bye for now!

addition: Some more examples of resistance. Ignoring how you feel when money does that thing when it runs out. If you ignore it, the fear of losing your house, survival fears, um all the stress from banks and bills breaking down your door....you will remain in that state of poverty for a long fucking time until the lesson is learnt. In this situation you gotta again feel these things in all their power, realize them to be illusionary, and tell them to bugger off by clearing them and replacing them with feelings of abundance, wealth, prosperity, and trust that you are always safe. You wont be thrown into the street to die. You wont starve to death. These are mind created fear-based jargon meant to stop you in your tracks.

Another example, seeing an opportunity to do something daring and then not acting on it. You are afraid to expose yourself, afraid to make a mistake. My friend kindly informed me that I dont properly punctuate a lot of my writing. For him its a big deal for me i dongiveashit. Although perhaps if I am to be published...ah fuck it.

Discharged, Baby.

Let me just begin by saying I've already had two great bowel movements today. I got the boot today and I am now at home on our living room couch, mmmmmm home. We packed up all my shit (which was a lot) and got the fuck out of that place, fast. Actually we forgot my washroom stuff, oh well, some cleaning lady can take it home or throw it out or get totally raunchy with it.

Heh, the doctor Andre, actually its Andrez I think, hes polish and he gave me some polish sausage as a good-bye gift. What a great guy. Me, being half hungarian, have a well established appreciation for good sausage. My grandfather always asks while laughing "YOU LIKE DE SAUSAGE?" and we awkwardly and sheepishly have to reply "yes". He's always frustrated with the lack of girlfriends. He was once quite the ladies man himself. Still is in that creepy 80 yr old kind of way...

I got a great spiritually inclined post coming up that will hint at the title of my book. So stay tuned ima get my bro to massage the shit outta my back cuz he's got magic hands like that. (He doesn't know it yet but he's about to read this, lawl.) Everyone stay cool on these hot summer days and indulge in all good things as much as you can cuz you deserve it.

Much Love.

Vampires and Werewolves

You know, I bet the idea for Dracula came from Leukemia. I can see Bram Stoker standing over a Leukemic patient back in the 19th century, and seeing how pale they looked and then how much stronger they would become with each transfusion of blood. Of course back then they didn't have a concept of cancer so they must have thought the blood was leaving somehow. Well whatever vampires have all become fucked anyway. The original Dracula was an actual monster, he is scary, I was scared reading the book, and that is rare. Nowadays we have vampire diaries where the vampires are all pretty boys who cant keep away from highschool girls and then we have Twilight. I can't even comment on that one. True Blood does a pretty good job of staying true to Vampirism (really like what they did with the vampire hiararchy) but theres still the whole Bill-SOOKEH romance. Oh well you gotta have SOME love interest, right?

I also got to see the movie Wolfman last weekend and I really enjoyed it. Anthony Hopkins is always a spectacle, and Benicio makes a great monsta. What really interested me here though is the full moon. "She exerts such power", Anthony says at one point. And truthfully, she really does. The roughest, toughest, scariest episode of this treatment round was during the full moon. I had a very high, mysterious fever, I was having horrible nightmares - the worst of my life - whenever I slept. And I would wake up to see the giant moon staring me in the face. One night it's top half was covered by a cloud and it had that yellow tinge so what I was left with was a huge cat eye staring me down...it was quite wild.

Souls that are more sensitive will feel the moon's effects at a greater level. Those who are less sensitive might just have a bad day where a lot of shit goes wrong. Car troubles is a big one. I for one wish to be put into a medically induced coma next time it starts to get full. But I mean, it does just bring us what we need. I was able to move a whole lot of fear last time.

Oh yea, in other news, the headache I was still dealing with from the anti-fungal has been healed by Cynthia's magic hands. I am so lucky to know the people I know. When I open my own healing center for cancer patients it is going to be packed full of massage therapists and hands on healers. Might even throw some shamans into the mix. And werewolves. You always need werewolves. Fuck vampires though, they had their chance, and they whored themselves out!

My Little Sister

Siblings are great. I am fortunate enough to have three. Two brothers and a sister. She is the second born, now at 21 years old (legal drinking age in America, boo ya). My sister has the same wisdom and spiritual knowledge as me but she is far more clairvoyant. She is a seer and has the most incredible dreams. She dreamt that I would find the cure for cancer! She has also always been the wild one of the family. She got married at the age of 16 to a man she met through a star wars game. They are truly soul mates and it's incredible how they found eachother. He is american though so she had to get her green card and they live in Buffalo (I know, ew) to be close to us here in Toronto.

It was recently her birthday, June 10th actually, and she requested a poem from our mom, who as you may know passed away 3 years ago. Cynthia can channel anyone from jesus christ to the cat you owned 10 years ago. Animal poems are always hilarious it's really funny to see their attitudes come through in writing. We have this cat, Muffin, who pretty much behaves like a queen, she dominates the household and only barely allows my cat, Rascal, to live in our house. When we got a poem from her she acted exactly as she behaved, full of pomp and royalty and sass. She actually flirted with the guys of the family! She loves and craves attention and sometimes it can be really maddenning lol.

Wow talk about maddenning I cannot for the life of me copy this poem over. Fuck you adobe reader and your stupid formats, what a shit program. Arg ANGRY NIC. I tell it to save a copy as plain text and it fucking brings out some alien language jibberish. What fucking monkey programmed this garbage? Updating the bloody thing...

Ok finally, here is the transmission (It seems the beings of the angelic realm are quite pleased with my work!) have a look:

MOTHER-LOVE June 13 10
Oh sweetheart
so many aches and pains lately
so many ways the body complains
and says no
don’t like this
don’t want this
don’t want to be here
right now
And when these days come
I know there’s a part of you
that feels so very small
and would give anything
to have my arms around you again
And in those moments
sometimes
there’s a voice in you that says
come on
you’re all grown up now
no excuse

A young woman should be able
to manage these things better
and isn’t it time
for the vulnerability to stop
so you can walk
in a woman’s shoes
all day long?

But why don’t we just
tell that voice to hush for awhile
and let the little girl speak
the way she needs to
because the truth is
we never stop needing a mother
no matter how old we get
and no matter how distant
our mother’s arms

Perhaps it’s the legacy
of the paternal religions
but the fact is
Spirit is our Mother
always has been
and it’s her we miss
when we feel alone
it’s her lap we want to crawl onto
it’s her voice we want to hear
singing a sweet song
and it’s her warm bosom
where we want to rest our head
not against the muscle and bone
and scratchy beard
of the Father
that can all be saved
for another time

So for starters
you go right ahead
and miss me
and wish for me
and remember me
and don’t feel bad about it
in any way, ever
because it’s just your heart’s way
of reaching for me angel
and I love to feel you
wanting me
just like I reach for you
every day
We have these mistaken ideas
about growing up
that somehow it will make things easier
because we will feel less vulnerable
and we’ll be automatically stronger
because our body is taller
older
more mature

The truth is
vulnerability ebbs and flows
like a tide
throughout our lives
and yes
there are certain blessings
about not being small any more
but the fact is
it can be extra scary to find yourself
in an adult body
with adult responsibilities
too old to be looked after
but too young to have it figured out yet
and all the while people look at you
and treat you like you should have it all together
so it becomes even harder
to admit to one’s own fragility
after awhile

But that is the greatest mistake
anyone can make
although so many people do
because it’s when we start to shut down
our honest and child-like admissions
of not knowing
not being sure
feeling afraid and overwhelmed
that we also shut down our light
because you can’t hide your fear
without hiding your joy
that’s just the way it works
something I know
you already know

Imagine a world
where all the grown ups
let themselves be child-like
when they needed to
and I don’t mean child-ish
cause there’s a difference
between the two
Child-ish is what grownups act
when they are not allowed to reveal
their actual child-like natures
because in truth
the only path toward real maturity
is that of the child
full of wonder
reverence
playfulness
and unabashed Mother-love
It’s childish to deny
our vulnerable hearts
it’s childish to be afraid
of the child within
and so you must promise me
that you will never stop playing
never censor that incredible
child-like laugh of yours
and the matching smile that lights up the room

You see it warms my heart
to know that you can be you
in any situation
because that means you feel safe enough
in the world to do so
safe in your pretty women’s shoes
safe in your skin

So now we’ve settled that
I want to tell you
how proud I am of you
stepping out into the world
because I know
more than anyone
just what it takes for you
to get through each day sometimes
but isn’t it better sweetheart
isn’t it better in so many ways
than it used to be
to have found the answer
that once you see yourself
as belonging in the world
suddenly the world starts to see you too
and instead of dangers
there are possibilities all around you
instead of strangers
all different kinds of friends
I’ve watched you starting to try on
that gorgeous flamboyance you had
when you first stepped into womanhood
I’ve watched it return
and smiled at how much
you remind me of me sometimes
when I was younger
so shy inside
and such a hotty outside
and isn’t it fun
to turn heads again
isn’t it good to not be afraid to be noticed
for the beautiful creature that you are?

And part of it is
that you are letting your grief move in a new way
it’s been long enough since our parting
that you are more brave about looking at the layers
than ever before
and of course you have to be
don’t you
because Nick needs you
needs your honesty
your open heart
your readiness to know
that you can be there for him
without it being a brave face
it’s just your face
the real face
that is so lovely before the world

And I’m watching how the two of you
connect
as his journey amazes you
scares you
terrifies you sometimes
cause even though you know
that what he is doing is growing
growing taller than ever before
you would have picked any, any other way
for him to do it
we all would
and yet
he is on his chosen path
and it is up to us to honour it
all the while observing where we go in our own hearts
in understanding the ongoing suffering of one
who seems to deserve an end to it
more than any soul in the world
and yet he is doing what he needs to do
he is walking with the grace
that is the whole lesson
we are here to learn
It is so easy to accuse ourselves
because we still have fear
when we try so hard
to face it every day
but this is the meaning
of these times
and the ascension that we read and talk about
It’s all found in the process of facing our fear
and how can we
unless it’s in our face
unless it growls in our ear
first thing in the morning
and waits in the belly at night
when we try to sleep

So that fear of yours is becoming
the companion that you always knew it could be
clear and helpful
more than ever before
so that your wisdom will have its chance
to rise above and elevate you
and from this place
take hold of your power
to shine the light of who you are
further and further
all around you every day
so that no one who even passes you on the street
will miss it
so bright will it be
and so true

Remember
you are moving toward
a kind of integration
between the spirit you know so well
and the physical self that is your home
not just because you need to
to feel better, stronger, happier
but because your willingness to be fully present
is your gift to the rising vibrations
of the planet right now

You are needed angel
right where you are
and the more you can sink into your Self
the greater the gift you give to the whole
by adding your essence
to the collective consciousness
that is brewing on the planet
in these powerful days

You can think of it
as a gift to Nick
and to me
to stand more fully in your own joy
than ever before
because your strength
is the strength of All
and as Nick teaches you
you teach Nick
and so on
round and round

Think of it this way
the more intense these days become
the closer you are to me
because this is the work
in which I am engaged
holding the net
that connects us
across oceans
between hearts
from solar system to solar system
until we all join in one breath
and the struggles of our human days
fall away
like the stories they are
and we can see past them
and straight into the bliss of our love
just like me holding you in my arms
each and every day
I am with you always, darling child
I am with our whole family
and there is a sweetness to our togetherness
that surpasses anything we have known before
and it is not despite the pain
it is because of it
that we taste every day
every moment
with gratitude for the richness
of our family’s world
We have far to travel together
my precious girl
have no doubt

I am still the Mother
and always will be
so let yourself feel
the eternity
of my Love

If you are interested in getting a poem you can reach Cynthia at forangelsrent@sympatico.ca If you ever are to meet an angel in this life she is the closest thing to an angelic being as you can get. Actually her core pattern is she was literally a guardian angel in charge of protecting a group of young souls and she failed in her task. So it is funny in this life she is always surrounded by children who are kind of lost, poor, misguided but beautiful.

I hope you enjoyed this poem. Even though they are for one person they hold wisdom for all. It is the coolest thing to get your own and to even set up a session with Cyn where she channels right infront of you - it's truly amazing!

So they say I will be discharged by the end of the week at the latest. Im goin hoooome. What a period of transformation - it wasn't easy but the reward has been so worth it. Make cancer your ally and embrace your godliness. If you can do this you will live in the bliss that is a soul at it's fullest potential. Fuck this goes to EVERYONE not just cancer patients. Do it, I command it. That is all for now!

Jesus Christ and Rumi

Dear Readers,

Once again I ask you to open your minds. I wish to talk briefly on energy healing and especially the laying on of hands, or "hands on work". Back in the 70's they actually trained nurses in energy healing, a technique called "Therapeutic Touch". It is a shame that we lost touch (excuse the pun) with that. You should not underestimate the power of energy healing.

I am still dealing with the damage that anti-fungal caused to my body. As you know it attacked my back muscles and caused me pain on the right side of my brain above my eye. I have been lucky enough to have had some great massages. Doctor Andre, the staff oncologist who I wrote about in my farewell post, gave me a great massage haha. He also informed me that we have two ribs that are not part of the rib cage but actually run up along either side of the spine. As skinny as I am I can feel them, cord-like, and if I massage them it instantly relieves the pains in my back.

But what I wanted to get at was my friend Cynthia, the powerful intuitive I have told you about, also practices energy healing in the form of hands-on. My back muscles were aching so she went to work. Placing one hand on my front and one on the back right on the muscle she got to healing and right away I could feel the warmth. The heat generated by the healing energies is indication that work is indeed being done. Wow it got hot and Cyn said she could feel the negative energy draining first out the front then it switched to exiting out my back. About 20 minutes of this and my back was pain free and has remained so ever since. There was no change in any prescription, and I didn't start taking pain killers.

This is the stuff of "miracles". Jesus was so in tune with his own godliness that he could lay on hands and instantly cure the sick. Now the truth is you can never save anyone, you can only show them the way to their healing, they have to walk the path. But if a soul feels it's time to heal and there happens to be a healer nearby then indeed the miraculous can occur. Jesus was an incredible man, he was born to show us the truth of who we are, and indeed he succeeded in spreading a powerful message. Alas the fears and greed of man, of the church, corrupted his original teachings and message for their own purposes. When humans are able to debate and change religion as they see fit (including the exclusion of so many gospels) it makes you wonder about the legitimacy of the original message. Worst case of broken telephone ever. I don't mean to knock christianity though, yes its corrupted, but many martyrs have died with smiles on their faces, indeed one can still reach enlightenment through any of the world religions.

I think we have established that cancer is largely energetic. I saw a healer a little while ago. He was trained in naturopathy, shamanism, ayurvadic medicine and a whole slew of other healing arts. Hes kind of insane and very ungrounded but very powerful. He can take one look at you and tell you where you need help. For example, he said my gallbladder was suffering and that I should stop eating chips (hydrogenated oils). He also said my will to live was at about 45 / 100 when the average human is at 65% - only gurus are up at around 85%. At the time he told me he was right. I was pretty down.

Now, I tell you about this guy because he understands that everything is energy vibrating at different frequencies. He asked me what he could do for me and I didn't even think he could do anything about my Leukemia. But he informed me that a sad and lonely spirit had entered my body and had caused the cancer. So we performed the "exorcism" and it was really quite a cool experience because I could feel this sad spirit actually being removed. The process involved finding a powerful source of love and using that love to purge the spirit. I accessed my mom's love and it was easy enough. He claimed the leukemia was gone. But this is where he was wrong or at least could not see that I needed more cancer. Perhaps this spirit re-entered my body but I doubt it. Do be careful with which healers you choose to see. Most of them are excellent and powerful but some of them are frauds and liers. Go off recommendations is my advice.

You probably think I am insane now but I always say embrace madness! Actually this was the teaching of a sufi mystic from the 12th century called Rumi. This guy was so ahead of his time it's crazy. He speaks of spirituality that humanity is only now understanding. He wrote a few books full of poems and incredibly wise teachings. And hes a total lunatic, its awesome. I will leave you with a quote from Rumi that I love:

Conventional opinion is the ruin of our souls,
something borrowed which we mistake as our own.
Ignorance is better than this; clutch at madness instead.
...Always run from what seems to benefit your self:
sip the poison and spill the water of life.
Revile those who flatter you;
lend both interest and principle to the poor.
Let security go and be at home amid dangers.
Leave your good name behind and accept disgrace.
I have lived with cautious thinking;
Now I'll make myself mad.

p.s. Raiki healing is also incredibly powerful and quite popular and if you can find a master it can be performed over long distances. It is also an easy thing to pick up yourself.

p.p.s Oh and I forgot to mention, anyone can do hands on work. All you need is love and the intention to heal. Apply your hands to the place of wounding and send your love, your warmth, and colourful healing energies to that spot. You will probably feel the heat soon and you will notice that it is more than just body warmth. Also you will need to direct the negative energies down into the ground, it is important not to absorb them or leave them hanging in the open.

This and That

This next blog post doesn't really have a direction. Actually I think one is coming to me. Let's see what comes about. I had a great weekend at home. Played PS3 with my bros, ate good food, and went to see Robin Hood, which is my new favorite movie, IT WAS INCREDIBLE. It was like Gladiator set in the Middle Ages. I highly recommend it. But I am one who would love anything medieval.

Well fuck, I am too weak to open this little package of cereal and I just busted the plastic knife they gave me. Oh and it just went everywhere. Great. You know whats fucked up? I am 6'3 and I weigh 120 lbs. Fully muscled and fattened I am easily 200 lbs. I am a god damn bag of bones. Whatever, lying in bed all day is too fun.

Anyway, I didn't come back to the hospital on saturday night, because I really didn't need to. All they needed to give me was a magnesium bolis and I knew, from the BMT, that I can just take two 250mg magnesium pills, so I did. I get a call on sunday from a distressed nurse, saying that I pissed off the doctor and that I have to come in right away. I told her why I stayed at home and then I tried to reason with her. There really was no good reason for me to go in and she knew it. I said "why should I come in? So you can breathe on me?" I bet they just wanted me to play more funky tunes. Oh yea my neighbour went home yesterday so I have been using my ipod dock to its fullest. Nurses boogy down in their station, its good times.

Which brings me to the purpose of this post. Uh, relationships. Most young adult patients I meet have never been in a relationship. The ones that are in relationships I usually see no flame, no spark, nothing. They are sexually shut down. I was the same, well, I wasnt shut down, infact I was quite the horny bastard, but I wouldn't dare approach a girl and entertain the idea that she would actually want to date / fuck me. I turned to porn to keep my lust in check, I know - yuck.

That has all changed now though. It seems in my growth I have found myself to indeed be worthy of a relationship and the intimacy issues around sex have blown away. I actually just asked my friend out for a wedding I have in august and she said "Are you kidding me? Of course!!!" She is so beautiful, a true gem, and she teaches tai chi and yoga, I am gonna be the proudest man. Funny thing is she has a boyfriend who is a fucking sensei and owns his own dojo. I best tread softly because that man could probably punch my head off. Haha no, hes a good guy...I hope.

But uhhhh yea if you shut down your sexuality you lose the most vital life force energy, your passion centre, your source for anger, pleasure, animal lust, your horndoginess. Cancer couldn't be happier with all that powerful energy trapped away. So, how to remedy this: Hmmm, dance. Shake your booty, touch yourself, sex yourself, get in touch with that flame. Women might wanna take a hot bath and pleasure yourself with whatever toys you have. Feel that pleasure, let it overwhelm you. Men too, and for fucks sake pick up a book on tantric sex or anything on how to control your orgasm. The male orgasm was designed to end relationships.

Once you have reconnected with your sexuality not only will cancer lose it's power, you will start to attract mates. The universe will throw relationships at you left and right, and it is up to you to take action. Don't be afraid, they're just humans, and know that you deserve this, you deserve to get plowed. It's really all about self love. Love yourself and it will show.

I tried watching porn recently and it really did nothing for me. Part of me was like "fuck, chemo killed my libido" but then I fantasized about someone that wont be mentioned and bingo. So I was relieved to say the least. Oh and I guess I should say that if you are addicted to porn, as many sexless people are, and it's perfectly normal, but uh...stop if you can. You are wasting your sexual energy. If you stop you can let that energy build up, let the testostorone build up, and you will eventually become a sexual Tyrannosaur. Just don't rape anything, that's no laughing matter, unless you're raping a clown (tshirthell.com).

Guess i'll shutup now. Have a good day.

I am soon to be discharged so: A Fond Farewell

Dear Staff of 15B,

I just wanted to express that it has been a most comfortable and enjoyable stay with all of you here at Princess Margaret. This is truly one of the world's leading centers on cancer care and research and it deserves the best of staff. That is exactly what it has. You are all angels, professionals, and you can really feel that you care. You don't have an easy job, you're exposed to death more than most, and you are always surrounded by sickness. That is why I like being young because I can at least offer a nice ass to look at and none of that dying business.

Andre, you are the Shahenshah of doctors, that is persian for "King of Kings". You understand the value of family, and you enjoy fine cold cuts. You always bring an air of comedy and fun wherever you go and this is a rare and powerful gift. Nurses love you, patients love you, and the place is never the same without you. You are a master of observation and you have the oncological experience of 10 lifetimes. You RULE and I believe I won't see you for a long time!

Some nurses were closer to me than others, sorry it's just the way it is!

Haroula, God thats a unique name and I don't think I'll ever get it right (I probably didn't even spell it right). I have always regarded you as one of the best nurses I have ever met. You have a confidence in what you do that is unmatched. When an inexperienced nurse would scare me with what could go wrong you would be there to assure me that it's all part of the process. That kind of assurance was invaluable to a scared cancer patient. You remind me of a Valkyrie from viking times. Valkyries are sort of mythical winged warrior women who would soar over battlefields and ferry souls to Valhalla. You will always be my Valkyrie and a friend when times get dark. Sorry for causing a ruckus I had to stick to my guns hehe.

Kimi, you are the essence of sweetness. I thank you for stopping in for our chats and for always being a smiling, warm face. That kind of thing brings goodness and healing to a soul. Keep shining your light on all the patients that enter your care. My wish for you is to find a man! You need to share that sexiness and you need to receive the love that you deserve. And you just got that new house to share!

Aida, oh Aida. You were there to see me at my lowest and I'm sorry I had to be that way. Relapse is the hardest thing and I was not in a good place. But you were there reminding me to keep my chin up. It took a little while to break down your shields but since then you have been the best of friends and a constant source of support. I thank you, I thank you, I thank you. Keep on being who you are, Lieutenant of 15B, shouting out your commands and unleashing your boisterous laugh.

Carol, I have to admit I had some beef with you at first. Your attitude and nagging rubbed me the wrong way. However, I feel that I got through to the real Carol and you are indeed a sweetheart who knows how to have fun. I am glad I got to see this Carol and I would recommend you lower that barrier and show the real you. Just for your information, when you're not feeling well and your energy is in the shitter, the LAST thing you want to do is clean up your room!

Mary, I think we really kicked it off this latest round, and I am so glad we did. You are one cool chick, and I mean, who else would wheelchair me down to indigo on their break? You are kind, highly intelligent, wise and compassionate. You will find yourself a great guy, have faith, and keep playing soccer.

The rest of you I get all your names mixed up, sorry. But you are all the best in your own way. I have had the pleasure of being here enough to see the real yous and truthfully you are all angels in disguise. Thank you for your care and I hope never to see any of you again.

I have become heavily involved with organizations like Young Adult Cancer Canada and I'm Too Young For This! I have been writing about my approach to cancer which is one of optimism, transformation, and turning crises into the greatest experience of your life. Cancer has been my greatest teacher, the growth I have experienced is HUGE, and I am truly a new man. I will devote my life to helping people with cancer for this is truly the most noble cause. Expect my book to be out soon and keep an eye on Oprah: I have big plans and big dreams and this is the way it should be.

Thank you and Much Love,

Nicolas J Bergeron

Titles Are Tricky...

Dear Readers, I am in need of aide. I am in the process of getting my BLOG published and I need a Title!!! Truly this is a task for more than one mind. The title should be catchy with the young adult community and it should somehow involve the cure for cancer or you know...making cancer your greatest ally. You all read my work, you know my philosophies, lets get brain stormin!

Some of the ideas i've had are like "How to Make Cancer F*ck Off" and the kinda corny "Champions of Life". You see I need the help!

Please send your submissions to nicbooktitle@hotmail.com

The winnar will recieve 5 free books and one signed copy from yours truly! haha. Let the games begin!

Rebuilding A Body

I would like to share with you now my experience in the rebuilding of your body after chemo. This was one of the first great lessons I learned from cancer: take care of your body!!!!! After my first remission I had lost 60 lbs but was still at pretty good energy levels. The first thing you do is walk. Walk, walk, walk, walk, and walk some more. Did you know that just 30 minutes of walking builds anti-cancer proteins? Walking is also gentle and most importantly it gives you cardio and regulates your digestive tract.

As your muscles strengthen and your energy increases you can start to jog or bike. I also recommend Tai Chi and Yoga as both bring many benefits and healing to the body. The human body is really incredible. It is designed to be effecient. Muscles have memory and when they are used they remember how they performed and the next time you use them they will work to outperform their last round. This is how and why you build muscle. It should be noted that muscles will take about three months to first strengthen then you will begin to see growth.

Once you are getting back up there with your strength and stamina I recommend picking up a book on fitness and looking at their exercises. They have lots of great programs for all the different body types and builds. For example one I picked up recommends boxing for upper body strength - I think I will persue this!

Now of course, there is much more to rebuilding than just strength. Chemo completely wipes out your digestive tract of all friendly bacteria. These bacteria are involved in the absorption of nutrients from food. To remedy this eat lots of good natural yogurt or take a more concentrated form of pill like Acidophilus which are packed with probiotics. If I ever open my own cancer center it will include a course of probiotics post treatment for sure.

It will also have FOOD that is GOOD and SUPPORTS the body!!!!!! Yes indeed, the doctors may tell you "eat what you want it doesnt matter" but they are wrrrroooooonnnng. Food has a huge effect on cancer. When I relapsed with ALL I said fuck this healthy diet and I drank a huge fucking frappocino from starbucks, wipped cream and all. My white cells fucking exploded. This most recent relapse I took a different approach and ate only healthy foods, the cancer cells still multiplied but a much slower and controlled rate. I bet, with the right cocktail of vegetables and spices you could even reverse the growth of cancer. Fruits and veggies have natural defenses built in to their genetic makeup because they cannot defend themselves otherwise. For example blueberries can cause apoptosis of cancer cells (that means cell suicide). Raspberries have the ability to control angiogenesis, the growth of blood vessels - essential to tumour growth. The spice Turmeric found in Curry is the most powerful anti-inflammatory known to man. Inflammation is what cancer thrives on and the biggest contributors to it are sugar, white flour, processed fats, and surprisingly dairy. You want to be as anti-inflammatory as you can get, so eat those veggies, choose fish over meat, whole grains over white flour, and soy over milk. Another huge, awesome, epic herb is of course Garlic - the king of herbs! I eat it raw sliced on toast. Garlic is an epic immune enhancer, blood cleanser, blood thinner, bacteria killing, anti-inflammatory and the list goes on.

Flushing out toxins is also crucial when you're rebuilding your body. You may consider a liver cleanse involving juiced carrots and beats. You also need to sauna, you need to sweat. Our skin holds a lot of toxins and the way to get them out is to sweat. Right now, with the amount of shit they're giving me, the anti-biotics and whatnot, my sweat smells like gasoline. Its truly unnatural. I cannot say how important it is to drink water, drink lots and lots of water. Always have a bottle with you. Water is the sustainer of life and the cleanser of organs, tissues, plasmas etc.

I really recommend the book Anti Cancer by David Servan-Schreiber. He has detailed charts and lots of research on anti-cancer foods and other methods such as meditation. I only touched on some of the foods that he talks about. He goes on about teas, spices, seaweeds, mushrooms, and so much more.

All that being said it is important to every once in a while indulge in a pleasure food, be it sugary, or packed with transfats or what have you. Life is meant to be enjoyed and you have a right to that enjoyment!

So that pretty much sums up my approach to rebuilding the physical body. I loved it, the power, the energy, you look great, you have improved confidence, and most importantly you feel awesome. I chowed down on many kale and spinach salads and I jogged 5km 3 times a week. Treat your body well and you will be most pleased with the results.

Check this out; before cancer and after pics. Quite the difference!

HOLY MOSES

Check this video out. Talk about surrender, talk about fearlessness, absolutely incredible!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQITWbAaDx0&feature=related

(found by my awesome friend Saskia)

Dont forget to read my latest post too, its rich.

The Way I See It

Spirituality is great. To have a deeply rooted set of beliefs is the best thing and greatest ally on an adventure with cancer. I would like to share my beliefs with you. Most of what I have learned came from a long time family friend and powerful intuitive, Cynthia. She is one of those rare people who can reach beyond the veil and bring back words, teachings, songs, and most importantly truth. Cynthia was my mom's best friend and my mom was my greatest spiritual teacher. She lived what she preached and she loved all her children unconditionally. She had such a big heart and was truly in tune with the work we are all here to do. I miss her so much at times, I let the grief well up and have the greatest cries. Crying has such a cleansing quality - I prescribe it to every patient I meet.

Basically this is it. You, me, everyone has a soul. Souls are immortal, powerful, they are a piece of the divine and the divine can be found in all life, we all know of the Oneness everyone talks about. Souls are vibrating at the highest frequency and are composed entirely of pure love. In fact, when you die, you are returning to this place of pureness, you are welcome back into the arms of love.

Souls love to learn. They love to grow. Before entering a human body they pick the challenges, the family they want to live with, and also the other souls they will interact with. So from this perspective, a young adult with cancer has picked a huge challenge which only means that their soul was ready to take it on. That is a noble thought, is it not?

The soul picks it's family and enters into the body of a newborn baby, screaming and grasping for air in the bright lights and loud noises which accompany childbirth. The baby is placed in the arms of the mother and that beautiful bond is formed. Already forces are at work. Perhaps the mother is hesitant about her ability to raise a child- fear arises - the baby will pick up on this and will have to confront issues associated with that. This is actually my case. My mom wasnt sure she would be able to raise me well, or if she was ready, and this imprinted on me, and I was always the perfect child, never angry, never naughty, and in my teens I would have an underlying feeling of non-deserving. It manifested physically in a blocked nose - I thought I didn't deserve to breathe. All this from one moment at childbirth!

I have since worked on my non-deserving "pattern". Patterns are the programmed responses a human will make based on the person they have become and the events that shaped them. In everyday life they define you. They make you predictable. I will talk more on patterns soon.

So here we have this planet, a place of learning, the truth - the light the love etc - kept hidden from our eyes. Every soul on it's own path. All souls interacting to bring eachother the events needed for growth. This is what they mean when they say there are no mistakes in life. It is all a huge, extremely complex, beautiful network of interactions. When I think about it, the amount of people on this planet, and all the preplanned events that are to occur precisely at the exact time it is needed - my mind truly gets boggled.

Are you still with me, reader? I know for many it is hard to pull away from the material world in all it's detail and emperical evidence. Many minds find safety in what they can prove, in what they can sense with their human mind. That is fine. I just offer a doorway into a broader reality. Mankind is evolving, the veil is SO thin right now. It is a very exciting time to be alive. 2012 will indeed be a time of huge transition. Many souls will head home with the events of natural disasters or warfare. We are approaching this day fast too...wow we're already almost halfway through 2010!

So, there is indeed work to be done! Patterns, remember those? They run deep and they have the power to halt your soul's progress. Patterns are usually fear based. By that I mean Lady X will always be afraid to talk publically because deep down she has been brainwashed to think she is dumb, that she has little to offer. Of course this is not truth! Lady X is a very very wise soul and has an important message to share with the world - it is what her soul wishes and desires. Another example of pattern is a man who turns to violence and abuse because he was probably abused as a child and feels that this is the appropriete response to any situation that might overwhelm him. Underlying his violence is a scared child, afraid of failure? his own potential? There are many factors involved. We also come with a "core pattern" this is like a huge traumatic event, which usually occured in a past life, but sticks to the soul, wait for the day to be released.

I had a core pattern reading done. My core pattern involves great sexual shame, which makes sense as to why I never took a relationship further than friendship. My story takes place in 19th century Ireland. I am a young man from a poor family. I fall in love with a rich girl and of course we are caught making out in her bedroom. The mother of the girl is in a rage! She accuses me of rape, the cops send dogs after me and arrest me right infront of my mother. What shame! So I am here to clear this pattern. I have lived many lives as a monk because of it.

Patterns take time to heal. The manner in which you heal a pattern is such: You feel the negative emotion it brings (be it shame, fear, non-deserving, fear of failure, etc) to it's fullest and then you let it go, you release, and replace that energy with that of love and compassion and forgiveness. It is simple and effective. Patterns are tough buggers though, often taking a lifetime to truly overcome.

I hope this post will be helpful to those who want clarity and something simple to believe in. Belief is your most powerful tool against cancer. Infact the cure for cancer will involve medicines of the future but more importantly the person needs to work with the cancer, achieve soul growth, and the cancer will back away. This has been my experience and I am ten times the man I used to be. Remember always that you are soul. You are divine, you are god (ahhh blasphemy!!) We are powerful creators, we can influence events on this earth. If you desire something, put it out to the universe, keep the faith, and you will be surprised at the results.



That is all.


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Sorry pal, you messed with the wrong guy...

Disclaimer: Trust your doctors and the drugs they give you, they are well trained. Unless of course you find them to be idiots, in which case take action, call to arms, prepare for battle.

Man oh man!! I knew this day would come. And I planned, I schemed, I giggled with glee. I have been hungering for a good fight and finally I got one. Who dares challenge the authority of a doctor??! Who dares deny a nurse???! ME - they asked for it and what they got they will not soon forget.

Sit back as I tell you a tale of battle, a tale of bravery, cunning, and sheer determination.

It all starts with this anti-fungal: a powerful drug that has been giving me a headache. I know its nastiness, I can sense it.

Enter nurse Stage Left:

shes a nice nurse, sweet hearted and all, sadly also a brain-washed buffoon. Shes my first target. I tell her I don't want the anti-fungal and I clamp the tube to stop the flow.
Nurse:"You cant stop this anti-fungal, its important, you need it"
Me: I can stop it, it is my right, I decide what goes into my body."
Nurse: "Uh you will have to bring this up with the doctor"
Me: I would love to talk to the doctor

She leaves in a bit of a tizzy. I wipe the blood from my sword and prepare for the next round.
It's the nurse again...lawls

Nurse: "You know this anti-fungal is only helping you"
Me: Is it? from what I can tell all its doing is causing me pain.
Nurse: "You should really take it, what if we keep the pain killers up, could we give to you then?
Me: You know it's really simple. All I ask is that we stop this one anti-fungal and I can have a nice chat with the doctor in the morning.
Nurse: Youre being a fool
Me: It is truly a shame that you are so brainwashed you lack the compassion to see this from my point of view.

Easy pickings, wheres a doctor? I need a challenge.
Nurse comes back
Me: "You dont even think im being a little brave?
Nurse: I think you are being immature, you know how much those bags cost, you know how many people want those drugs.
Me: My heart goes out to them
Nurse: I talked to the doctor - We can give you these painkillers for the medication but we're going to continue the anti fungal.
Me: The doctor doesn't want to talk?
Nurse: Uh shes busy with another patient.
Me: Indeed

So I go out into the hall looking for my cool nurse friend so I can maybe suggest a new nurse for this night, cuz I was pretty sure my current one wanted to poison me - oh yes thats right I forgot to tell you why.

She brings in the anti-fungal and starts the pump. Ah well played, nurse, but you cannot match my craftiness. I know a thing or two about pumps. I haul my IV pole into the bathroom. I take the drug, snarl at its ugly yellow color, and I drain the bitch. Right into the sink. I can smell its stench, its toxicity, its...humanity. I finish up and reattach the tube, set the pump back to normal, I write "SAY NO TO DRUGS" on the anti-fungal and lie back down.

Ho ho ho did that set them off. Nurse was ablaze, but I easily parried and countered her meager attempts to make me feel bad. I remained polite and friendly, probably just aggrivating the nurse even more.

I go for a walk, nurses try to scare me with horror stories of fungus fungals. heh "fun gals" I like that. A mushroom walks into a bar and turns to a hottie "hey sugar wanna date? Ima "Fungi" oohhhh snap. I know that once my immune system rolls in it will wipe out whatever little bugs are growing. I know I am not here to die to some little fungus, I know that I am more powerful than any little bug of the body. Anyway it seems that I have annoyed the doctor enough to take her away from her "emergency".

God what a bitch. Whatever I like a good fight. This doctor wont stop saying "You dont want this drug? Then why are you here". I sigh and sigh again and answer in plain english "because I need the treatment. I am turning down one drug for one night. I dont mean to offend you or anyone. Again and again she asks these dumb questions. She tries to scare me into it, sorry babe, I put up shields against that shit ages ago. So we continue our useless skirmishing. She leaves in a hissie saying something about putting something down in my chart. Whatever bitch, you're lucky I dont report your ass to the ministry of health for breaking the hippocratic oath and knowingly causing a patient pain. Ill spare her life. I am merciful.

So that is my story of battle. I think I am being very brave for standing up to the system. I am proud of myself, I am in love with myself, I am achieving godliness every day.

I wipe the blood from my blade and leave the battle for another day...

Importance of Music

Man oh man. I have been listening to some great tunes recently and WOW does it feel great. A good friend of mine brought a bunch of songs and it turns out we have very similar taste. So I just inherited a bunch of awesome new songs and it makes me all giddy.

You see music has the ability to move you to bliss. Actually, now that I think about it, most art will do that. One day I was at the hospital for a lumbar puncture and some other chemo (which they inject in your buttcheek, bastards). Lumbar Punctures are pretty intense because, I mean, theres a giant fucking needle in your spine. Luckily the procedure was executed well - I've had a bad one but lets not talk about it - and you are asked to lie on your back for 20 mins to avoid a massive headache among other things. So I had my mp3 player, popped on a song called "I am free" by a local artist Prosad who does a type of indian-trance fusion (it makes a really cool combo) and these waves of bliss rolled over me. Heres a link to the song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S42LGG3Eq44 I had just survived a pretty dangerous procedure and "I was freeeee."

Music put me in touch with that godliness within each of us. I tasted pure bliss through sound waves. The vibrations resonated with my soul and it creates such a powerful experience. Another song that has invoked this feeling of godliness is a song by Arvo Pert called Summa. It might resonate more with me because I have had many lives as a christian and many lives in the Middle Ages. Here's a link: http://www.filefront.com/16675531/02%20Track%202%201.m4a (note: the version I wanted wasn't available online so I uploaded my own, its a safe d/l)

I guess what i'm trying to say is; during treatments you might feel depressed, overwhelmed, sad, apathetic, etc. Music can pull you out. Put your favorite songs on and feel gooooood! bob your head, swing your arms, full out dance if you have the energy. Do this and your soul will rejoice and you will feel and witness the healing effects.

I leave you all with one more song. It was funny, I randomly turned on the radio and switched to the french CBC because they usually have nice songs in the afternoon. So this great song comes on, I am wowwed by how much I like it and then I panic because it is in french! I strain my ears trying to hear some damn recognizable words, something, anything so I can find the name of this song! I keep panicking because it's not working, shes talking too fast, so I call up my dad who is french canadian and in a rush tell him to turn on the radio and tell me some lyrics fast! By the time he gets to the station the song ends. Anyway he directs me to the "recently played" section of their website and after some confusion, I found my baby. Funny thing is the song is called "Je Veux" and I had typed "Je Ve" when I was trying to hear the words hahaha.

Check it out, I want to marry this girl. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-5fcFEohLA
(I have a soft spot for the kazoo)

In summary keep on rockin!