The day was soon after I had just found out I had cancer again. I was so sad. So depressed. I have never been an angry person but try as I might I would feebly try to piece together WHY ME- why was this happening AGAIN. I was soaking in a bath, wallowing in my misery, tears and sobs of such sadness. I stepped out of the bath finally and met myself in the bathroom mirror. I observed myself, took in my young body, my skin, my muscles, veins, water droplets, enlarged lymph nodes (due to the cancer), all of it.
I was brought to my face. Ah the face, the centre of the utmost intense emotional expression. My poor face was so sad; so distraught and stressed under the pressures of all the crying.
Then suddenly my focus was brought to my eyes. My eyes. Two shining beacons of constant light. At least that's what they seemed to be in contrast to the rest of my face. The eyes were beyond my face, and they shone with a warmth from beyond this world. It was amazing. It made me smile. It made me laugh.
This was a turning point for me...
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Crushed
A piece of writing I did a month or so ago before the Leukemia fell back on my lap:
It feels as if I am being crushed...but then it is gone. There is a giant body of fear lingering, hovering, waiting above me, waiting for the right moments to apply pressure. It comes and goes but I feel as if its ultimate purpose here is to stamp out my existence here on this earth. It would have me believe this, but I know better.
The human body is a conduit of expression for the soul. The soul is here, on this earth, to grow through experiences found only through the human body. The soul will incarnate into a body and experience what is required in that lifetime in order for growth. It will return, many lifetimes, until it has accomplished what it has set out to do. So many souls, all interacting, all weaving together – bringing each other the experiences required for evolution on the level of the spirit.
Human beings, you and I, come from a purity so powerful, so brilliant and so warm it can only be the stuff of love. I see this purity in everyone around me and it makes me smile. Mothers, sons, lovers, leaders, and even criminals – they are all perfect – souls just experiencing what life has to offer for them and then moving on.
It is only in the human body that we can experience loss, anger, sadness, fear, and all the physical manifestations (illness and disease) that a soul desires to experience for growth. At the same time though it is here that we can express and experience joy, lust, awe, inspiration and love. We are such powerful creators – we create and bring to us these experiences as we need them and only when we are ready for them.
...to be continued?
It feels as if I am being crushed...but then it is gone. There is a giant body of fear lingering, hovering, waiting above me, waiting for the right moments to apply pressure. It comes and goes but I feel as if its ultimate purpose here is to stamp out my existence here on this earth. It would have me believe this, but I know better.
The human body is a conduit of expression for the soul. The soul is here, on this earth, to grow through experiences found only through the human body. The soul will incarnate into a body and experience what is required in that lifetime in order for growth. It will return, many lifetimes, until it has accomplished what it has set out to do. So many souls, all interacting, all weaving together – bringing each other the experiences required for evolution on the level of the spirit.
Human beings, you and I, come from a purity so powerful, so brilliant and so warm it can only be the stuff of love. I see this purity in everyone around me and it makes me smile. Mothers, sons, lovers, leaders, and even criminals – they are all perfect – souls just experiencing what life has to offer for them and then moving on.
It is only in the human body that we can experience loss, anger, sadness, fear, and all the physical manifestations (illness and disease) that a soul desires to experience for growth. At the same time though it is here that we can express and experience joy, lust, awe, inspiration and love. We are such powerful creators – we create and bring to us these experiences as we need them and only when we are ready for them.
...to be continued?
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
What was and is...
Whenever I talk to nurses or other cancer patients here at PMH I often joke about how I am sampling all the different types of blood cancers. I am somewhat of an anomaly in the world of leukemia. Back in January I had a type of cancer called Acute Myeloid Leukemia. It was the type that seemed to mainly thwart the red blood cells in your blood depriving your body of oxygen. The new disease I have now is Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia and it is more commonly found in children. From what I understand it is the explosive growth of underdeveloped white blood cells which eventually overrun your other healthy cells in the blood.
The reason I am considered rare is because usually the same kind of cancer will return, being called a relapse, and if it comes back fast you are usually pretty fucked. But just for me I got a new cancer and nobody is really quite sure what to make of it. Tests are being done and it may be the same disease in new clothing or a new disease caused by the chemo from the AML, but whatever the reason - its rare.
The treatments so far, like the two diseases, have been quite different. Of course they are both treated with chemotherapy but chemo itself has many different types and combinations. For AML everything seemed so much more intense. I entered the hospital barely able to walk, the chemo they gave me made me so sick for days on end, and I wasted away sixty lbs of body mass. FUN STUFF!
With the new cancer (ALL) things seem to be much more mellow. I felt fine when I was diagnosed - physically that is, emotionally I was a huge wreck. Only difference was a swelling of the lymph nodes and some stomach pain. So it seems that in accordance with this, the treatment also seems to be less drastic. The chemo has had little effect on me so far in terms of nausia and my strength is keeping much better.
The reason I am really writing about this is because I wanted to mention an interesting observation I have come across. We have this fun little animal card deck at home and I have drawn cards from it - not intentionally to seek out wisdom or anything but just because they were lying around. During AML I pulled the lion card and images and representations of the lion kept coming to me. The lion in most cases represents mainly strength sometimes in combination with healing. If any sort of attributes were required for AML strengh is indeed the best one to have. The extremely intense treatment requires one to be equally intense and strong.
After a poker night with the guys we all pulled some cards for shits and giggles and I got the snake. Now, with ALL, I cant stop thinking about the snake. This animal is coming to me in images and really resting on my thoughts. It is the snake. I have always had an inherent fear of snakes. Snakes are really perfect for this though because they represent transformation, rebirth, and healing (as well as sexuality). There are stories about snake poison being manipulated to form powerful healing medicines and there really is no better way to capture the essence of chemotherapy.
Any experience like this one, any experience of crises, has immense potential for transformation and growth. What we are sometimes requried to do is just to surrender to the horror, the fear, the poison and let it serve its purpose to ultimately lead to a renewed and cleansed self.
The reason I am considered rare is because usually the same kind of cancer will return, being called a relapse, and if it comes back fast you are usually pretty fucked. But just for me I got a new cancer and nobody is really quite sure what to make of it. Tests are being done and it may be the same disease in new clothing or a new disease caused by the chemo from the AML, but whatever the reason - its rare.
The treatments so far, like the two diseases, have been quite different. Of course they are both treated with chemotherapy but chemo itself has many different types and combinations. For AML everything seemed so much more intense. I entered the hospital barely able to walk, the chemo they gave me made me so sick for days on end, and I wasted away sixty lbs of body mass. FUN STUFF!
With the new cancer (ALL) things seem to be much more mellow. I felt fine when I was diagnosed - physically that is, emotionally I was a huge wreck. Only difference was a swelling of the lymph nodes and some stomach pain. So it seems that in accordance with this, the treatment also seems to be less drastic. The chemo has had little effect on me so far in terms of nausia and my strength is keeping much better.
The reason I am really writing about this is because I wanted to mention an interesting observation I have come across. We have this fun little animal card deck at home and I have drawn cards from it - not intentionally to seek out wisdom or anything but just because they were lying around. During AML I pulled the lion card and images and representations of the lion kept coming to me. The lion in most cases represents mainly strength sometimes in combination with healing. If any sort of attributes were required for AML strengh is indeed the best one to have. The extremely intense treatment requires one to be equally intense and strong.
After a poker night with the guys we all pulled some cards for shits and giggles and I got the snake. Now, with ALL, I cant stop thinking about the snake. This animal is coming to me in images and really resting on my thoughts. It is the snake. I have always had an inherent fear of snakes. Snakes are really perfect for this though because they represent transformation, rebirth, and healing (as well as sexuality). There are stories about snake poison being manipulated to form powerful healing medicines and there really is no better way to capture the essence of chemotherapy.
Any experience like this one, any experience of crises, has immense potential for transformation and growth. What we are sometimes requried to do is just to surrender to the horror, the fear, the poison and let it serve its purpose to ultimately lead to a renewed and cleansed self.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Presence of Mind
People generally don't like crises. I have to say though, once you're in the thick of it, you can become incredibly grateful for the experience. For one, NOTHING brings people together like crises, haha. Aside from seeing all your friends and family again and having some good times with them there is much more. I have learned a great deal ever since I got leukemia. It will take me many months to write out everything I have learned but I thought I would just mention one extremely powerful technique to help cope with crises.
I read Eckhart Tolle way back before he was Oprahnized and his book The Power of Now really saved me from being so sad and depressed during my months of recovery and chemotherapy. The central teaching of his book is on keeping your attention focused entirely on the present and achieving peace of mind, or rather, silence of mind, to ultimately enter an enlightened state of being.
Last time I had leukemia I was looking at 3 months of recovery and then some more months of recovery. Now with my new form of Leukemia I got 2 to 3 years ahead of me for treatment. FUCK, EH? Just thinking about it for a second makes me so angry; I can't work, can't attend school, bars, theatres, none of that for 2 to 3 years.
But then I bring my attention to the present. I am sitting in a hospital room, listening to some good music, enjoying the view from my room and writing about what I love. Suddenly a peace overcomes me and this is the way you have to keep going. Honestly it eats away at your soul if you keep your attention elsewhere and only hinders your recovery.
So that is my lesson for today: keep your mind in the present as much as you can. It helps so much in times of crises and also just every-day life. If you want to learn a lot more about this technique and all the othe benefits it has as well as the meditations included to achieving it, read Tolle's book!
I read Eckhart Tolle way back before he was Oprahnized and his book The Power of Now really saved me from being so sad and depressed during my months of recovery and chemotherapy. The central teaching of his book is on keeping your attention focused entirely on the present and achieving peace of mind, or rather, silence of mind, to ultimately enter an enlightened state of being.
Last time I had leukemia I was looking at 3 months of recovery and then some more months of recovery. Now with my new form of Leukemia I got 2 to 3 years ahead of me for treatment. FUCK, EH? Just thinking about it for a second makes me so angry; I can't work, can't attend school, bars, theatres, none of that for 2 to 3 years.
But then I bring my attention to the present. I am sitting in a hospital room, listening to some good music, enjoying the view from my room and writing about what I love. Suddenly a peace overcomes me and this is the way you have to keep going. Honestly it eats away at your soul if you keep your attention elsewhere and only hinders your recovery.
So that is my lesson for today: keep your mind in the present as much as you can. It helps so much in times of crises and also just every-day life. If you want to learn a lot more about this technique and all the othe benefits it has as well as the meditations included to achieving it, read Tolle's book!
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Finding Joy
So! I have been readmitted to Princess Margaret hospital in Toronto. I believe it is one of the best cancer treatment centres in the world and I feel very fortunate to be here. They were not able to get me into the same ward I was in last time, which is a shame because I had made friends there with the staff, but I look forward to new opportunities to make nice with new people.
I had my Hickman line put in yesterday. It is a simple surgury that involves sticking a tube in my chest that runs to my Vena Cava (the big vein that leads to your heart) so they can easily administer all the wonderful antibiotics and chemotherapies required. Yuck. I was hit pretty hard after the surgury and broke down in tears not because of the physical ache in my chest but because it felt like such a step backwards.
You see, ever since I finished with my last chemo round back at the start of the year I have been rebuilding my body. I was in the best shape of my life and they even took out my hickman line early. Then the Cancer returned and now, although I feel fine, they had to put the tube back in. I dislike the feeling of it very much - it is not painful just very unnatural.
What interests me a lot right now though is that I am somewhat of an anomaly now. Often, leukemia will relapse in patients but it will be the same leukemia as before. In my case it switched from Myeloid to Lymphoblastic leukemia (a less severe but still nasty childhood version). Thats enough of that for now though.
What I was really trying to get at for this post was even though everybody goes through stages of intense sadness and depression, as I have been for the past few days, there are always opportunities to find joy in a situation. From engaging in conversation with my very talkative roommate to discovering an AWESOME rooftop terrace in the hopsital where I can hang out and still feel the weather. You really are overcome with a peace and great gratitude for those moments, as long as you are open to recieving them and are able to recognize when they appear.
More to come...
I had my Hickman line put in yesterday. It is a simple surgury that involves sticking a tube in my chest that runs to my Vena Cava (the big vein that leads to your heart) so they can easily administer all the wonderful antibiotics and chemotherapies required. Yuck. I was hit pretty hard after the surgury and broke down in tears not because of the physical ache in my chest but because it felt like such a step backwards.
You see, ever since I finished with my last chemo round back at the start of the year I have been rebuilding my body. I was in the best shape of my life and they even took out my hickman line early. Then the Cancer returned and now, although I feel fine, they had to put the tube back in. I dislike the feeling of it very much - it is not painful just very unnatural.
What interests me a lot right now though is that I am somewhat of an anomaly now. Often, leukemia will relapse in patients but it will be the same leukemia as before. In my case it switched from Myeloid to Lymphoblastic leukemia (a less severe but still nasty childhood version). Thats enough of that for now though.
What I was really trying to get at for this post was even though everybody goes through stages of intense sadness and depression, as I have been for the past few days, there are always opportunities to find joy in a situation. From engaging in conversation with my very talkative roommate to discovering an AWESOME rooftop terrace in the hopsital where I can hang out and still feel the weather. You really are overcome with a peace and great gratitude for those moments, as long as you are open to recieving them and are able to recognize when they appear.
More to come...
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
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