In the Middle Ages the allegorical representation of fortune was a woman spinning a wheel. Cupid was a huge warrior archer who literally struck you down with his arrows- cooler than a chubby baby with wings? maybe. But back to fortune, the idea is you go up the wheel get your 15 mins of fame then eventually you are thrown off by "fickle lady fortune". And I think its very hard to get back on that damn wheel. I think I fell off the wheel a long time ago, probably once highschool ended or when my mother passed. But I have adopted the pendulum swing or rollercoaster to represent my situation - so I have little victories like the award I got. That made me so happy.
But you know it is about seeing the gift in everything really. Cancer as a catalyst for soul growth, a cough as a...no fuck coughs. I have these huge coughing fits that spit up lovely amounts of phlegm...at least the antibiotic I am on seems to be working to clear up the cough or "pnuemonia". Big scary names, nothing more than words, labels. I kid about the cough, it has brought up a lot for me and not just physically hehhe. It is a trigger for buried stuff to come up.
I had probably the biggest release of my life a few nights ago. I was again talking about my mom's death and I just burst into tears and wailed at how unfairly we treated her as she did our laundry and dishes and for 4-5 years we were stuck in a computer world. We missed out on so much of her and I was enraged and sad and so fucking pissed and I just bellowed it all out. My dad and lee were there too comforting me. I had never seen that side of myself and I liked it. Of course, eventually I pulled myself out of it, saw it all as just the illusion, sent myself love, smiled to lee and my dad and thanked the guides for the good cry. I hope to have another soon.
On a happier note I got a new computer chair and its so comfortable I fell asleep on it the first night :) Cancer is staying nice and low, kind of taken a seat for now it seems, which is good cuz im dealing with antibiotics right now, ugh.
I love to read the way you describe your emotions and I am happy also that you are coming to terms with some of your past issues. I do hope that this obnoxious cough lets you breath freely at last! don' t give up xxxx aunt L.
ReplyDeleteCenter of all centers, core of cores,
ReplyDeletealmond self-enclosed, and growing sweet--
all this universe, to the furthest stars
all beyond them, is your flesh, your fruit.
Now you feel how nothing clings to you;
your vast shell reaches into endless space,
and there the rich, thick fluids rise and flow.
Illuminated in your infinite peace,
a billion stars go spinning through the night,
blazing high above your head.
But in you is the presence that
will be, when all the stars are dead.
Rainer Maria Rilke
I am sending you my love, believing in your strength.
I am with you right now. We love you like a son, a brother. Nobody can replace you. I've loved you since you were 5 years old. My fondest memories are of years driving in my car listening to the best stories and discussions a person could enjoy.
ReplyDeleteI will miss you but I will remember every dumb thing you guys ever said. Nobody was more priviledged than us to know you
OH HOW THE PENDULUM SWINGS WE WILL ALL MISS YOU
ReplyDeleteNicolas
ReplyDeleteMy friend you fought the biggest battle I ever seen. You never gave up, with every rollercoaster you kept on riding it. Your one truly remarkable, inspiring person and I am so glad that I was able to care for you. Thank you for telling me about your blog. I await for your book to be published. I will miss that big smile of yours, your funny stories. Your journey has just begun my friend in a different world.
To Nicolas family Words seem inadequate to express the sadness I feel about Nic'a passing. Nic was an amazing indiviudal. It was a pleasure to get to know and care for him. May your heart and soul find peace and comfort.
Susana
PMH TFC
I am not sure who might be reading this, but, would someone be able to tell me what happened?
ReplyDeleteI have been reading Nic's blog and we have written back & forth a few times. I lost my son Nickolas to leukemia last year on August 13th. I don't understand...when did this happen? I am so heartbroken, if this is true. I loved to read Nic's words, his stories, and his thoughts on spirituality and life. His writings were both hauntingly poignant and yet he infused them with such wit and humor, the dark side of his journey was always tempered with his joy for living. As Mom to my Nick, he helped me see a young man's perspective on dealing with cancer and all that entails at such a young age.
Oh Sir Nic, you don't have to worry about slaying dragons anymore...your spirit is free to roam and explore new worlds. Maybe you could look for my Nick and the two of you could hang out and become fast friends. My heart is with you Nic. I will miss you and I will remember you always. with fond regard, Diane
I read this to stay connected to Nick. He suddenly had a stroke and very peacefully passed away surrounded by his family over the next few days. I'm glad that he had very little pain. His father was there almost every moment at the end. Bless you for what you have been through. I hope you will find a way to to go on.
ReplyDeleteThank you Ann for letting me know what happened to Nic. My deepest and heartfelt sympathy to all of you who knew Nic and loved him well. I am so saddened by his passing. I will keep Nic in my heart along with my own son. with fond regard, Diane
ReplyDeletei'm quite encouraged with your spirit here Nic. you passed away but I know you're family is forever grateful that for once they had you.
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