Me Mama

My mom was no ordinary mom. Well she was for the first 14 years of my life. Then she went through a seperation with my dad that totally changed her world and she grew and learned a lot from that tough experience. She lived what she taught, the main thing being "Healing Through Crises". She was the first person to believe in Cynthia and her received poems and she was there from the start. She had an incredible ability to quote any poem out of thousands because she would be the transcriber of the poems.

Many mornings I woke up to find her on my computer transcribing in the dark room with just the monitor glow on her face. She seemed to get younger and younger every day with the work she was doing. She helped so many people and was fearless in sharing her "wonky" beliefs with anyone she met. We had such good walks together. At the time I was heavily addicted to computer games and I missed so much of her. That and she was often out and about - never in the kitchen! - with Cyn, taking care of those in crises and working through their own. But on our walks I could talk freely about spirituality and she learned me everything I know now.

My mom loved all her children unconditionally, for who we all were. Even as afraid as we were of the world she just continued to love us all so much. Man, I am crying buckets writing this but that was my intent. I was stuck in a fucking video game for so long while she was around and then one day she left.

It was so sudden, so unexpected, she was in good health as far as we could tell...I awoke that morning to see her on my comp, soft glow on her face, looking young as ever, and transcribing a reading that had been recorded for her. I went upstairs to take a bath. In the bath I heard muffled yelling coming from the basement (my room at the time). My brother in law, Travis, who my mom took in with such open arms and they quickly became quite bonded, was yelling something about choking. I hopped out of the bath and put a towel on around my waist. Robert ran up and said "mom is choking" and Travis passed me the phone and I punched in 911.

I wasn't ready for what I saw next. My mom had fallen from the computer chair and onto the floor and was trying to breathe. I somehow managed to keep my cool and followed the police woman's instructions. She had me do CPR and check the throat for any blockages. Sticking your two big fingers down your mom's throat is an interesting experience...

About 7 minutes went by with me trying to resuscitate my mom and then the paramedics got there and took over. At this point the towel I had was kind of falling off so I went upstairs and put some clothes on. Then it hit me, the realization that what was actually going on was real. I met my sister Liz in the hallway and we hugged and both started crying.

The paramedics, having stabilized her, got her up and out of the basement and into the ambulance. It was out of our hands now, out of our house. Cynthia and some other friends rushed in and consoled us. All we could do was wait. Some dickweed officer was asking us questions without any feeling or sentiment, and he got yelled at by one of our friends (haha, go Penny!). So another nicer officer came in to ask the followup questions.

About 20 minutes later we got a phonecall from a friend who was with my mom. I will never forget the look on my dad's face when he heard what he did. An instant expression of the utmost sadness and then he blurted out "she's dead, she's dead". Everyone started crying, so much shock and tears. Then everyone in the house all went off to grieve in seperate areas. I went down to my room and smashed shit around threw a chair. There is crying and then there is grief-crying and man you can't help but wail and moan. When I was somewhat calmer I cleaned up the jewelry and shirts my mom was wearing which they cut off. There was also some white foam that I cleaned amidst so much crying and just "WHY".

Everyone knew she was doing the work, the spiritual tasks asked of her, and leading by example. Why would she leave? The reason was later revealed but at the time it was so maddening. My faith took a big hit. But then I looked at the comp I shit you not, the place where she was writing went like this "....For one whos time has come.../////////ffffffddddddddddddddddd". The document is somewhere on a backup CD that I have to find.

We went to see her at the hospital. There she was, her body, the shell, empty now...her poor dad and some other friends were there. I put my hand on her cold hand and kissed her forehead then left. The worst part about losing someone is that you can't physically be with them, hold them, hug them. All I wanted was just to hug her like the previous night. We actually had a little bit of a good bye. I was on my computer and she was doing laundry and I turned to her and said "mom, i am sorry if i have been ignoring you recently" she stopped going up the stairs and came to stand infront of me. She said something like "I will always love you nomatter what" that was who she was and then we hugged a long hug, a good hug, one I still remember. Then I woke up to see her on my comp soft monitor glow on her face looking younger every day...