Hiding Under The Blankets

I always put a brave face on but recently I have been plagued by such doubts, such fears, on a level not experienced yet. The episodes of fear are often very intense but very quick. I just had a big one move through. I can usually make them move but there is an ocean of reserve it seems. On one hand it's great and powerful stuff to work with but man..

You see, I am holding desperately on to the belief that I can still beat this somehow. But with every hospital visit, every day, we seem to approach an end that is becoming more and more "real". Theres a line from a song that says, "Life is just a deathbound train" or something and that damn line keeps repeating in my head. People who are in great fear drive me nuts and I am pissing myself off lately with how much I am being influenced by it, but hey I am just a man.

When it comes to support on one side I have the medical personnel who really don't help much. They are all really excellent and nice people but all their faith is in the medicine that is slowly but surely failing. They say "don't give up" but then tell you how the latest chemo doesn't work anymore.

On the other hand I have my family, friends, people like Cynthia - my spiritual support - who are always there and give me the hope I need to keep going without falling into complete darkness. I am living event to event right now. I have a wedding tomorrow that I have been using as a goal to get to, and after this wedding is another, then my birthday, then christmas all are just becoming markers that I hope to reach. That's no healthy way to live but I am right now, writing this has helped me realize I probably need to change that attitude but it just happens naturally when you're this close to death.

I have had visions and dreams of the cure for cancer, or maybe the cure for my cancer, involving death. I can't remember if I wrote about it but one dream about the cure for cancer was about patients dying then being brought back to life - cancer free. What is most important for me right now is to just become completely comfortable with death, be at peace with it, completely surrendered to it's "power" and happy to experience it. Perhaps then, if I do die, on the other side I will be met with an option to return to my body or to go home. What would I as a soul choose? Embodied as I am right now the choice is easy, but who knows when you become your highest evolved self. Ah its all just fun conjecture anyway.

This wedding should be a lot of fun, hope my energy holds out! Bye for now...