Oh boy oh boy, the other night I think I talked with the archangel Michael and then my mom...can't remember shit though...maybe it's the drugs.
The drugs....Yea I started the chemo pill today. I kind of scared Dr. Minden because I wanted to see how I could influence the progress of cancer without chemo. I concluded that I have indeed slowed down its progress but I ate too much whiteflower for there to be total stoppage / slower progress. I am very curious to see what would happen if I was to go on a very strict vegetable soup or salad diet. Cancer needs very specific conditions to grow. Ah, im probably way too acidic to try it now. So anyway, Dr. Minden walks into our meeting thinking that I have been on the pill (lawl) and the white count still shot up and he was VERY relieved to find out I hadn't started yet. While other doctors might have got mad or scolded me he just laughed and upped the chemo dose, lol.
He and I both know that chemo really isn't going to do anything so the plan is to keep me on this one pill that keeps the white blood cells (the ones that are exploding right now) down to a controllable level and then run some other techniques, clinical trials, whatever. They took 3 vials of blood today to see what is triggering my cells to grow, so that hopefully they can produce a very specific med to stop that action. Perhaps this is one way cancer care will go. It is all very exciting and cutting edge!
As you know I have been pondering to myself what the hell the spiritual reason is behind the cancer still being present. Two nights ago I was shown. GRIEF. I was lying in bed with a vision of myself kind of on my last few minutes before dying, on our living room couch, all my loved ones around me sobbing, so much crying, so much love but way more sadness. So I started balling and then it hit me, I still have a lot of grief to release. In a past reading (1 on 1 session with Cyn) she said that I have this massive body of grief that hovers above me, accumulated through many lifetimes, and well a lot in this life time. It is the reason behind why I hunch over apparently, and recently I have been hunching over to the point of back pains. Last night I stretched my back out on the floor and put my legs on the bed, it was soooooo fucking nice.
So I mean it shouldnt be hard to move this grief, I have a lot of triggers (mom dead, grandma dead, my possible future death) and you know what the counter to grief is? Joy. Be in trust and be in joy. That is my quest for the next little while. Oh and to cry like a fucking baby until all this grief is gone. I thought it was gone TBH but I think it was just ignored.
Hey, funny story. I woke up with a bump on my ass cheek. I felt it, it was pretty hard and sore, so of course the human mind jumps to worst case scenerios and I think tumour. "Thats the last thing I need" as I get out of bed. I asked Minden about it at the end of our meeting and he touched my butt. LOL then he says, "its probably just a bruise" and then I kick myself. I was out playing soccer yesterday with the chaps (and soccer for me right now is kicking the ball a few times and then lying down in the grass). As I was laying down I might have sat on a stick or acorn or something. Isn't that the nature of life? You freak out with mind created illusions and then you find out everythings alllllllright.
No comments:
Post a Comment