Moved into Paradise but then Found Out A Nasty Secret...

So last friday I got discharged and life has been pretty awesome, I gotta say. After a few days at home I moved in with my foster family and wow...what a beautiful home they have, in every way. The house itself has columns and a mural in the greek stlyle, lots of light, and lots of space. My room isn't too big but my bed is next to a window which lets the nice breezes and summer scents in. The best part is from my room I look onto the backyard. Now the backyard has a pond, with a fountain, OMG...the sound of lightly falling water 24/7 is sooooo nice. The backyard also has a beautiful deck with lots of comfy seating for us to laze about.

The family itself is very warm and caring. The mom is a pharmacist (I worked one of my first jobs at her pharmacy doing deliveries) so she takes care of teh drugs. It is truly nice to get a script and just hand it off to her without any worry. The dad is a computer programmer which turns out to be really sweet cuz I just bought a new comp and he showed me some neat tricks in setting it up. They are hungarian so they watch soccer every day and make hungarian food which I was raised on. Every meal I love. The kids are great, one is my age, one is in gr 11, and the youngest is in gr 4. His name is Adam, and he will not give me an inch of space. He is pretty excited to have me here, lawl.

I never even thought to ask for this kind of awesome setup, I didnt even dare consider it! Ugh that non-deserving? Or no, its a bit odd to ask for someone to take you in, I am glad they offered. I think on a subconscious level I did ask for this though, and they heard my call. So yea life has been pretty sweet.

Now, here comes the surprise, uhhhh drumroll....I STILL HAVE CANCER. Yea...first day back at hospital getting bloodwork done and white count was up at 30. Everything else progressing really well, except dem fucking white cells. I was actually suspiscous before leaving the hospital, because my white count jumped from 0.1 to .04 over night and it was too fast. Then they ordered a MUGA scan, which you usually do before chemo cuz it checks the strength of your heart, so I was puzzled. Turns out, they saw the blasts already when I was an inpatient! I guess they thought I might take it badly and they wanted me to have a happy discharge.

Now, here is the cool part, I didn't have any reaction except calm. I was a little surprised, because I thought this could only happen to someone with shit attitiude and no will to live (like that other guy). I also thought it was my fault - and this is DANGEROUS. I had been kind of eating a lot of sweets and uh frappucinos and whatnot kind of believing that I would be cancer free until well....a later date, after I had done a bunch of good work. But then I remembered, no, cancer was there already when I was inpatient. It is part of the process, trust, trust, trust, you just have more work to do. Never blame yourself. Way bigger forces at work.

Now in my case I lined up a few reasons why it is still here. 1) I am done soul growth and it is time to go (shens). 2) I still have more growth to experience (Hmmm, I donno, maybe). 3) I am meant to cure this cancer without chemotherapy (Now, wouldn't that be sexy).

So here are my options as laid out by Doctor Minden. First is heavy chemotherapy, just like the first round of ALL, which overall was pretty mild but involved those fucking steroids (prednizone) that make you depressed and make your face fat. YUCK. The next option kind of fell through already but there is a small possibility...uh, its a clinical trial testing a protein that tells cells to stop growing - like a gentle chemotherapy. I really liked the sound of this but when Minden went to page the lady running the study he found out it was shut down and the lady was sick somewhere on a train. Fuck. The third option is to stay on these chemo pills that just bring down your white count. So that is the option I am going with for now. At least to give me a break from the heavy shit.

Whatever the reason it is no random occurance. Remember when I said there was a 2-5% chance of this happening? Well it happened. Coincidence? Uh, no? I need more of lady cancer, so the dance will continue. Fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck ass fuck chemotherapy fuck. But yea...onwards.