Man, life is hard right now. Well no, not life, but wrestling with my state of mind is hard right now. I seem to have fallen back into a place of much fear around death. Maybe not death but dying. The lovely Dr. Minden laid down the list of all the potential ways I could die or end up in the ICU breathing with tubes and hooked up to god knows what manner of various medical machines. Last night I burst into tears at that thought. How horrible.

I look at my veins now and they are filling up again, bulging out again, I think the cancer is making a return. It could just be this really warm weather but fuck, I doubt it. I guess that means more chemo for me. What a fucking shit way to end such a short and shit life. Cancer, chemo, cancer, chemo, cancer - chemo not working, done. Is that any way for any one to die? I feel so miserable, I feel so helpless, I feel so fucked.

release - release - release - release - release - trust - trust - trust - trust - trust

I look around at my surroundings (out on the deck) and see such beauty and I breathe in the warm air and give thanks for such simple but profound experiences. The sun just came out from behind a cloud and highlights spots all over the garden. The sound of the fountain at the pond is just another reminder as well. In this moment I am at peace, in this moment life is bliss, in this moment I am god.

My eyes go to my veins but I can just admire their beauty, the amazing complexity of the human body and yes I am reminded of cancer and death but they seem so insignificant in the glory of this awareness. In the distance I do still feel sad and I will have to cry those tears soon, my journey is not done and for now I think I may fall back into the illusion but I give thanks for this writing and that experience, because every time that happens the load gets lighter and I get stronger, bigger, and more POWERFUL!!!!!! Muahahahha.

The End.