Kaboom Kablooey

Man oh man oh man...what a fucking rollercoaster. No. You know what rollercoasters go up too and I havnt seen much god damn UP recently. This is a god damn abyss (go go abyss jumping). So on tuesday they give me the same chemo that only two or three weeks ago brought me from 220 white count to 7 in a couple days. I go in today (friday) and it has had no effect on the cancer whatsoever. Wow cancer. You are a quick learner, you whore. Vinblastine and Aspergenaise are out and I am now on Methotrexate if anyone cares for names. Havn't had much Metho... maybe it'll dumbfound this clever disease long enough for me to take a shit in peace.

Me and my dad cried buckets together at the hospital, it was good good good but so sad. I don't even care about dying, which we talked about in detail with the Minden. I said I dont want to be put on life support. I would much rather die at home or on the warm cement of a sidewalk than in a god damn ICU hooked up to all manner of machine just to prolong what wants to happen. If i am to die lets make it quick like my mom.

Where my tears came from mostly was just thinking about my family who will, of course, be hit so hard. We already had one huge death why do we need another? Oh that's right, I am not meant to die. This is my soul's journey and it is taking me so close to death, so close to something that feels so so so so real but of course is just the same as everything else - false. It is just the veil pulled over our eyes. I slip in and out of believing in the lie, to seeing the illusion, to freaking out about dying, to smiling at the whole thing, back to so much sadness at leaving loved ones to being completely unattached to anything. The gaps are filled with good ol numbness, staring at random objects, playing games, watching seasons of Entourage, eating.



These things are just so complex, way too complex for the human mind to understand I think. I love to try to make sense of stuff, it's part of being a libra, to try and find truth in everything. I may have over-simplified things but it was fun all along the way. I may be leaving this planet soon so I donno if you want to meet up while I am still somewhat mobile and shit let me know - we will craft some plans.

I still think I am going to beat this. Perhaps I already have. But I mean survive this, which any normal person would have to be insane to think. This cancer is so aggressive, intelligent, angry? If karma exists I must have really done some horrible horrible shit things in a past life, wow. But giving up is for pussies. I had such a cool dream. I was walking to a table with food or something on it and someone gave me a wierd look of long lost recognition and it was a little hostile. I kept my eye on him and he turned into a massive monster and swung at me with a huge draconic claw. I then found out that I was able to take the hit because I was made out of the same kind of wierd morphoshit this guy was and I was suddenly a massive monster thing myself and we both just started sluggin the shit out of eachother with telephone poles and shit and it felt so great then I woke up haha.

Lets see what chemo has left in its bag of tricks (probably not much) and let's see how it all plays out, should be most exciting indeed. To die is probably a marvelous adventure, much like childbirth I imagine but without the screaming...ok maybe some screaming, HAHA.

p.s. liz, im not dying. <3