I got moved to a shared room. My roomie is an old man with the sweetest kinda sadest energy about him. Anyway we were about to sleep and I told him my sleep is all over the place at hospital and I usually need a light to read at night when I can't sleep. Right away of course he says "Oh yea no problem, I am more worried about keeping you up with my snoring".
So of course I go to sleep, wake up at 3am fully awake no chance in hell of falling back to sleep. So I flick on my light, which admittedly is no bed-side thing, but leaves his side of the room fairly dark. Im happily reading away about homeopathy and a nurse walks in and says I gotta turn off the light. I tell her I asked permission and everything. She says "he wont say no".
It dawns on me that this is true and I hit the lights. "he wont say no", "no" a word with power, with deserving, with value for oneself. He cant say no. Maybe it would make him look like an ass, maybe I would think less of him, maybe I would I donno get totally enraged and throw a brick....honestly.
I have found this inability to say NO to be intrinsically linked with most cancer patients, at least ones dealing with Leukemia. Especially, and sadly, even myself. There is this unhealthy want to please everyone and really take nothing for ourselves. We feel we dont deserve it, on some level, and this sense of undeserving, this INABILITY to believe that yes we do deserve to be true to ourselves is guarenteed to be part of the inbalance that becomes disease in a body.
I am getting much better at it these days and I am surprising myself with things that, yes, may hurt some people, but need to be done for my own health and growth. A lot of the time the people are abusing those who can't say no aren't even aware of it!
The way to heal this, for all pushovers and "supernice" people is to KNOW that you are godliness. You are divinity. You are soul, the energy of the universe, you are glorious. You are infinitely powerful and you deserve everything and anything. Look inside and feel that undeserving, feel it to its utmost, realise the illusion that it is, and tell yourself "I deserve". Repeat it until you believe it, in its entirety.
I used to have trouble breathing through my nose all my childhood. My mom learned of this deserving thing, I started to believe it, my stuffy nose, that had become part of my identity, cleared up entirely without use of any type of medical aide. I didn't think that I deserved to breathe, thats how bad I was.
In addition to deserving, you need to get angry. This is a biggy also for leuk patients. I am working on this also, but anger, if used properly and in the right energy, is one of the powerful and direct forms of expressing your worth. I need to look into anger more and its kinda 4:41 am and my eyes are bugging out.
SO I will leave it at this. Find the power to say no, find the power to grow, and as you become a fuller and emotionally-healthier being there will be less and less room for disease.
Fin.
Well said Nic. I have been reading your posts for quite some time. I have never commented before. I am not always sure what to say...although I am generally quite verbose about a lot of topics. I cannot remember how I came to find your blog, but, it was a while ago. My son was 25 years old when he was diagnosed with CML in May of 2008. He had a BMT in August of 2008. My son had a very rough time and unfortunately he did not make it. He died on August 13th, 2009. He did not make it to his one year BMT or his 27th birthday, which would have been September 11, 2009. His name was Nickolas. Your writing is wonderful and I enjoy reading your perspectives on everything you have gone through and continue to go through. I was Nick's caregiver throughout and I was by his side for almost fifteen months. He fought long and hard and we never expected that he would not make it. Your spiritual, caring, and kind nature remind me of my son. The things you write about make me wonder what Nick might have thought about these very same subjects. I like how you put your thoughts and feelings right out there. Your insights are right on point and you have a wonderful sense of humor. This last post is just one of many that really hit home for me. I think my son was very much afraid to say NO sometimes. Nick was always a pretty laid back kind of guy which is great, but, I think once he was diagnosed and hospitalized so much he wanted to please everyone. He often expressed concern that he didn't want his nurses or doctors to be mad at him for fear they wouldn't care for him properly. He rarely ever got angry. I always wondered how he was able to go through so much and never get angry about anything. I think a certain amount of anger is healthy. I guess it is how you express that emotion that becomes the issue. Your post about the "team" of doctors hit home too. My son's care was directed through that horrible type of system and everything you said was so true! I truly believe that my son's care and treatment were severely impacted because of this lack of continuity and the lack of a caring doctor that was committed to Nick's case. Anyway, Nic, I just wanted to let you know that I think you are an amazing young person and I want you to kick this cancer's ass! (Oh yeah, I also loved your F*CK Cancer post! Right on to that! Another example of you hitting the nail right on the head.) I did not want to upset you and I hope I haven't. I am still grieving for my beloved son and I am trying to figure it all out. Your posts make me smile and they touch my heart. That is why I wanted to reach out to you and let you know that I am out here in the blogosphere. Do you need me to send you a book light? I cannot believe you have to share a room!!! Not cool. Take good care of you Nic. I am wishing you strength and courage to continue on this journey. Thank you for sharing your story. with fond regard, Diane
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Diane. My heart is pained for Nickolas. Nobody should have to leave this place so early. That being said though his love is always near and death is only a physical ending. He is home.
ReplyDeleteMy mom passed away suddenly 3 years ago and that was the hardest most traumatic event of my young life. She was an angel and loved all her children unconditionally. She was also my spiritual teacher. The worst part was all I wanted was just hug her one more time. Through the grieving process I could feel she was always near and it is so important to always let out the grief when you feel it, to its utmost, in order to fully heal that wound. I know now she watches me, like shes at the back of an audience and I cant see her but shes loving the performance.
I will keep writing as much as I can and I am glad the posts hit home with you. Any writing, done from a place of truth, from the heart, will resonate with souls.
I got a little lamp on the way :)
Much love,
Nic