Whenever I talk to nurses or other cancer patients here at PMH I often joke about how I am sampling all the different types of blood cancers. I am somewhat of an anomaly in the world of leukemia. Back in January I had a type of cancer called Acute Myeloid Leukemia. It was the type that seemed to mainly thwart the red blood cells in your blood depriving your body of oxygen. The new disease I have now is Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia and it is more commonly found in children. From what I understand it is the explosive growth of underdeveloped white blood cells which eventually overrun your other healthy cells in the blood.
The reason I am considered rare is because usually the same kind of cancer will return, being called a relapse, and if it comes back fast you are usually pretty fucked. But just for me I got a new cancer and nobody is really quite sure what to make of it. Tests are being done and it may be the same disease in new clothing or a new disease caused by the chemo from the AML, but whatever the reason - its rare.
The treatments so far, like the two diseases, have been quite different. Of course they are both treated with chemotherapy but chemo itself has many different types and combinations. For AML everything seemed so much more intense. I entered the hospital barely able to walk, the chemo they gave me made me so sick for days on end, and I wasted away sixty lbs of body mass. FUN STUFF!
With the new cancer (ALL) things seem to be much more mellow. I felt fine when I was diagnosed - physically that is, emotionally I was a huge wreck. Only difference was a swelling of the lymph nodes and some stomach pain. So it seems that in accordance with this, the treatment also seems to be less drastic. The chemo has had little effect on me so far in terms of nausia and my strength is keeping much better.
The reason I am really writing about this is because I wanted to mention an interesting observation I have come across. We have this fun little animal card deck at home and I have drawn cards from it - not intentionally to seek out wisdom or anything but just because they were lying around. During AML I pulled the lion card and images and representations of the lion kept coming to me. The lion in most cases represents mainly strength sometimes in combination with healing. If any sort of attributes were required for AML strengh is indeed the best one to have. The extremely intense treatment requires one to be equally intense and strong.
After a poker night with the guys we all pulled some cards for shits and giggles and I got the snake. Now, with ALL, I cant stop thinking about the snake. This animal is coming to me in images and really resting on my thoughts. It is the snake. I have always had an inherent fear of snakes. Snakes are really perfect for this though because they represent transformation, rebirth, and healing (as well as sexuality). There are stories about snake poison being manipulated to form powerful healing medicines and there really is no better way to capture the essence of chemotherapy.
Any experience like this one, any experience of crises, has immense potential for transformation and growth. What we are sometimes requried to do is just to surrender to the horror, the fear, the poison and let it serve its purpose to ultimately lead to a renewed and cleansed self.
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