A shifting

I feel like a different person. I was at home yesterday just re-experiencing the little things that made day to day life go by over there, and although my muscles were weaker and easier to tire, I felt lighter and happier than I have been in a long time. Now, of course, being home again after three weeks would have this effect on anyone who loves their home, but this was more.

Ever since I started this second adventure with cancer - although it's more like an adventure with chemo - I have found a new level of present-moment awareness that I never felt before. And with that awareness has come such amazing joy and beauty every day. There will always be, and there was, struggle. Struggle is essential to see the beauty. I experienced some of the greatest pain from a "regular" chemotheraphy side effect in young males (yes, it involved my balls), and although it was temporary, as most physical pain is, it really help you appreciate even more the things we take for granted in our lives - like sitting down!

Before I move on I should mention that pain is one of the biggest anti-moment initiators in life. You want to be as far away from the pain as possible. I struggled a little with this, because my mind wanted to constantly jump to the future but then questions would come up like "How long will I have to endure this?!" "Will I need surgury?" "My balls are going to be cut off!" and that just wasnt needed. What I did instead was focus on a happy place to please my mind and ask for morphine when I needed to move, haha.

Returning now though to life, being in this constant state of now (Eckhart Tolle would approve) has really shown doorways into bliss. Yesterday at home I was standing in light rain, waiting for my family, staring down a street at people coming and going, leaves swaying gently in the grey sky, the warm light radiating from all the little shops, it was all just so perfect. I have seen so many of these moments now, since coming to the hospital and practicing living in the moment.

The best thing is, this practice, these events, have an effect on your soul. I felt filled with warmth and happiness just from staring down a street! And you can't do nothing else except take that happiness with you and re-express it to everyone you interact with. It is a force that flows from anything to everything and in my mind proof of the oneness of life.

I remember coming back to the hospital from a home visit last time was one of the hardest things to do. It felt like my soul was being ripped out of my body - I just wanted to stay at home and forget all this silly cancer business and treatments, lame food, nurses waking you up at six in the morning to take blood, etc. This time around I had no such feelings only a serene trust that it was all unfolding perfectly as it should. It really is too, I give so much thanks to this second round of cancer, I think I am learning a lot and I can feel the change so much already.