This comes from a dark place inside me but nonetheless should be expressed.
They have told me that my journey with cancer is one of spiritual growth and process. Ultimately to learn from my experiences and then help others? the world? Fuck the world. Sure, maybe I will become enlightenened and go around like the dalai lama sounding like a broken record on compassion and love, while everyone else in the world lives their normal lives, with normal worries, and normal problems.
The world can save itself. I want a nice little family, a nice home, a fucking car in the driveway and a cottage for getaways. I dont want to constantly be worrying about some little fucking explosion of dumbass cells invading my body and mucking up everything. What kind of dice did I fucking roll.
They say our souls choose what is to happen in our time here for greatest soul-growth. Boy, did I sign up for the wrong fucking course. A course where you are given this awesome physical body and you get to have it raped again and again by drugs so that you end up old, bald, and withered - but still smiling! And they tell us to "trust" in the process....might as well trust a pedophile with your kid. Trust is earned. I trusted the process and then the rug got pulled out from under me. Two times. Maybe I shouldn't trust you afterall, you bitch.
All in all, fuck enlightenment, fuck godliness, and fuck the process. Is it really growth if you're pretty much acting out of survival fear? "If i dont do this, or act like this, or behave like this YOU DIE" sounds like a pretty shitty ass deal to me. God fucking damnit I really need to break something. I better hurry before I fucking relapse again and again and again and die choking on chemo.
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p.s. So writing that was really hard to do and I feel horrible inside right now. The truth is it is those beliefs that have made me so resilient and optimistic in the face of this disease. And the Dalai Lama is my hero.
you are right. FUCK CANCER. being incredibly pissed, fucking angry as hell is spiritual in itself, if you want to see it that way. everything that u want u should have and i think u will. ´but being angry now at what u are being denied is completely sane. if u were not angry i would question your sanity.
ReplyDeleteon a side note i am planning weekends at your cottage already!
i just wanted to say i think expressing your outrage is the bravest thing u can do, much more than 'putting on a brave face' and just being optomistic, trusting the process and all of that. of course that is needed as well, but sharing your anger is just as important (in my opinion). perhaps someone else reading this, who is dealing with cancer, or some other bullshit in their life and have not felt they had the right to be angry or express it, will read your blog and this help them giving themselves the right to be angry.
'rage rage against the dying of the light.´
sending you my love and hugs.
-Rebecca
Hey Nic
ReplyDeleteFor french class we had to present on a person we admire, and it was my turn today. You were a pretty easy choice. Everybody gets angry, but the way that you pull yourself out of it, and the resolve and optimism that you have. Its fuckin admirable.
If you ever get your hands, or get someone else to get their hands on some cinder blocks, they are hella satisfying to break.
Sending strength from Jonquèire
Ben
I think that to just submit to something blindly is to give it control, and stop caring about what happens. The fact that "the process" as they call it, doesn't really seem to be working means that you have every right to be angry.
ReplyDeleteIt also isn't ONE person's fault that this is the system they have to work with ... but maybe for some people, it's the only set of tools they have to work with; the only thing they know.
So it's also good that you're getting it out by smashing bricks, and not the system. By yelling at lakes, and in blogs, and not at nurses!
When I relapsed the first time I was sad. Sad and scared and that was it. Halfway through the treatment my friend visited me and said "Fuck man, you must have been so angry" I told her the truth and she couldnt believe it. I think I had a misconception that anger was a sign of weakness, or the path of an undeveloped soul. What a stupid thought. If I ever make that mistake again, which I wont, I might as well just take my own life. (lol no im not suicidal)
ReplyDeleteI honestly cant wait to get back to screaming at the lake and smashing cheap dishes from value village.