Check this video out. Talk about surrender, talk about fearlessness, absolutely incredible!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQITWbAaDx0&feature=related
(found by my awesome friend Saskia)
Dont forget to read my latest post too, its rich.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
The Way I See It
Spirituality is great. To have a deeply rooted set of beliefs is the best thing and greatest ally on an adventure with cancer. I would like to share my beliefs with you. Most of what I have learned came from a long time family friend and powerful intuitive, Cynthia. She is one of those rare people who can reach beyond the veil and bring back words, teachings, songs, and most importantly truth. Cynthia was my mom's best friend and my mom was my greatest spiritual teacher. She lived what she preached and she loved all her children unconditionally. She had such a big heart and was truly in tune with the work we are all here to do. I miss her so much at times, I let the grief well up and have the greatest cries. Crying has such a cleansing quality - I prescribe it to every patient I meet.
Basically this is it. You, me, everyone has a soul. Souls are immortal, powerful, they are a piece of the divine and the divine can be found in all life, we all know of the Oneness everyone talks about. Souls are vibrating at the highest frequency and are composed entirely of pure love. In fact, when you die, you are returning to this place of pureness, you are welcome back into the arms of love.
Souls love to learn. They love to grow. Before entering a human body they pick the challenges, the family they want to live with, and also the other souls they will interact with. So from this perspective, a young adult with cancer has picked a huge challenge which only means that their soul was ready to take it on. That is a noble thought, is it not?
The soul picks it's family and enters into the body of a newborn baby, screaming and grasping for air in the bright lights and loud noises which accompany childbirth. The baby is placed in the arms of the mother and that beautiful bond is formed. Already forces are at work. Perhaps the mother is hesitant about her ability to raise a child- fear arises - the baby will pick up on this and will have to confront issues associated with that. This is actually my case. My mom wasnt sure she would be able to raise me well, or if she was ready, and this imprinted on me, and I was always the perfect child, never angry, never naughty, and in my teens I would have an underlying feeling of non-deserving. It manifested physically in a blocked nose - I thought I didn't deserve to breathe. All this from one moment at childbirth!
I have since worked on my non-deserving "pattern". Patterns are the programmed responses a human will make based on the person they have become and the events that shaped them. In everyday life they define you. They make you predictable. I will talk more on patterns soon.
So here we have this planet, a place of learning, the truth - the light the love etc - kept hidden from our eyes. Every soul on it's own path. All souls interacting to bring eachother the events needed for growth. This is what they mean when they say there are no mistakes in life. It is all a huge, extremely complex, beautiful network of interactions. When I think about it, the amount of people on this planet, and all the preplanned events that are to occur precisely at the exact time it is needed - my mind truly gets boggled.
Are you still with me, reader? I know for many it is hard to pull away from the material world in all it's detail and emperical evidence. Many minds find safety in what they can prove, in what they can sense with their human mind. That is fine. I just offer a doorway into a broader reality. Mankind is evolving, the veil is SO thin right now. It is a very exciting time to be alive. 2012 will indeed be a time of huge transition. Many souls will head home with the events of natural disasters or warfare. We are approaching this day fast too...wow we're already almost halfway through 2010!
So, there is indeed work to be done! Patterns, remember those? They run deep and they have the power to halt your soul's progress. Patterns are usually fear based. By that I mean Lady X will always be afraid to talk publically because deep down she has been brainwashed to think she is dumb, that she has little to offer. Of course this is not truth! Lady X is a very very wise soul and has an important message to share with the world - it is what her soul wishes and desires. Another example of pattern is a man who turns to violence and abuse because he was probably abused as a child and feels that this is the appropriete response to any situation that might overwhelm him. Underlying his violence is a scared child, afraid of failure? his own potential? There are many factors involved. We also come with a "core pattern" this is like a huge traumatic event, which usually occured in a past life, but sticks to the soul, wait for the day to be released.
I had a core pattern reading done. My core pattern involves great sexual shame, which makes sense as to why I never took a relationship further than friendship. My story takes place in 19th century Ireland. I am a young man from a poor family. I fall in love with a rich girl and of course we are caught making out in her bedroom. The mother of the girl is in a rage! She accuses me of rape, the cops send dogs after me and arrest me right infront of my mother. What shame! So I am here to clear this pattern. I have lived many lives as a monk because of it.
Patterns take time to heal. The manner in which you heal a pattern is such: You feel the negative emotion it brings (be it shame, fear, non-deserving, fear of failure, etc) to it's fullest and then you let it go, you release, and replace that energy with that of love and compassion and forgiveness. It is simple and effective. Patterns are tough buggers though, often taking a lifetime to truly overcome.
I hope this post will be helpful to those who want clarity and something simple to believe in. Belief is your most powerful tool against cancer. Infact the cure for cancer will involve medicines of the future but more importantly the person needs to work with the cancer, achieve soul growth, and the cancer will back away. This has been my experience and I am ten times the man I used to be. Remember always that you are soul. You are divine, you are god (ahhh blasphemy!!) We are powerful creators, we can influence events on this earth. If you desire something, put it out to the universe, keep the faith, and you will be surprised at the results.
That is all.
Show all
Basically this is it. You, me, everyone has a soul. Souls are immortal, powerful, they are a piece of the divine and the divine can be found in all life, we all know of the Oneness everyone talks about. Souls are vibrating at the highest frequency and are composed entirely of pure love. In fact, when you die, you are returning to this place of pureness, you are welcome back into the arms of love.
Souls love to learn. They love to grow. Before entering a human body they pick the challenges, the family they want to live with, and also the other souls they will interact with. So from this perspective, a young adult with cancer has picked a huge challenge which only means that their soul was ready to take it on. That is a noble thought, is it not?
The soul picks it's family and enters into the body of a newborn baby, screaming and grasping for air in the bright lights and loud noises which accompany childbirth. The baby is placed in the arms of the mother and that beautiful bond is formed. Already forces are at work. Perhaps the mother is hesitant about her ability to raise a child- fear arises - the baby will pick up on this and will have to confront issues associated with that. This is actually my case. My mom wasnt sure she would be able to raise me well, or if she was ready, and this imprinted on me, and I was always the perfect child, never angry, never naughty, and in my teens I would have an underlying feeling of non-deserving. It manifested physically in a blocked nose - I thought I didn't deserve to breathe. All this from one moment at childbirth!
I have since worked on my non-deserving "pattern". Patterns are the programmed responses a human will make based on the person they have become and the events that shaped them. In everyday life they define you. They make you predictable. I will talk more on patterns soon.
So here we have this planet, a place of learning, the truth - the light the love etc - kept hidden from our eyes. Every soul on it's own path. All souls interacting to bring eachother the events needed for growth. This is what they mean when they say there are no mistakes in life. It is all a huge, extremely complex, beautiful network of interactions. When I think about it, the amount of people on this planet, and all the preplanned events that are to occur precisely at the exact time it is needed - my mind truly gets boggled.
Are you still with me, reader? I know for many it is hard to pull away from the material world in all it's detail and emperical evidence. Many minds find safety in what they can prove, in what they can sense with their human mind. That is fine. I just offer a doorway into a broader reality. Mankind is evolving, the veil is SO thin right now. It is a very exciting time to be alive. 2012 will indeed be a time of huge transition. Many souls will head home with the events of natural disasters or warfare. We are approaching this day fast too...wow we're already almost halfway through 2010!
So, there is indeed work to be done! Patterns, remember those? They run deep and they have the power to halt your soul's progress. Patterns are usually fear based. By that I mean Lady X will always be afraid to talk publically because deep down she has been brainwashed to think she is dumb, that she has little to offer. Of course this is not truth! Lady X is a very very wise soul and has an important message to share with the world - it is what her soul wishes and desires. Another example of pattern is a man who turns to violence and abuse because he was probably abused as a child and feels that this is the appropriete response to any situation that might overwhelm him. Underlying his violence is a scared child, afraid of failure? his own potential? There are many factors involved. We also come with a "core pattern" this is like a huge traumatic event, which usually occured in a past life, but sticks to the soul, wait for the day to be released.
I had a core pattern reading done. My core pattern involves great sexual shame, which makes sense as to why I never took a relationship further than friendship. My story takes place in 19th century Ireland. I am a young man from a poor family. I fall in love with a rich girl and of course we are caught making out in her bedroom. The mother of the girl is in a rage! She accuses me of rape, the cops send dogs after me and arrest me right infront of my mother. What shame! So I am here to clear this pattern. I have lived many lives as a monk because of it.
Patterns take time to heal. The manner in which you heal a pattern is such: You feel the negative emotion it brings (be it shame, fear, non-deserving, fear of failure, etc) to it's fullest and then you let it go, you release, and replace that energy with that of love and compassion and forgiveness. It is simple and effective. Patterns are tough buggers though, often taking a lifetime to truly overcome.
I hope this post will be helpful to those who want clarity and something simple to believe in. Belief is your most powerful tool against cancer. Infact the cure for cancer will involve medicines of the future but more importantly the person needs to work with the cancer, achieve soul growth, and the cancer will back away. This has been my experience and I am ten times the man I used to be. Remember always that you are soul. You are divine, you are god (ahhh blasphemy!!) We are powerful creators, we can influence events on this earth. If you desire something, put it out to the universe, keep the faith, and you will be surprised at the results.
That is all.
Show all
Monday, June 7, 2010
Sorry pal, you messed with the wrong guy...
Disclaimer: Trust your doctors and the drugs they give you, they are well trained. Unless of course you find them to be idiots, in which case take action, call to arms, prepare for battle.
Man oh man!! I knew this day would come. And I planned, I schemed, I giggled with glee. I have been hungering for a good fight and finally I got one. Who dares challenge the authority of a doctor??! Who dares deny a nurse???! ME - they asked for it and what they got they will not soon forget.
Sit back as I tell you a tale of battle, a tale of bravery, cunning, and sheer determination.
It all starts with this anti-fungal: a powerful drug that has been giving me a headache. I know its nastiness, I can sense it.
Enter nurse Stage Left:
shes a nice nurse, sweet hearted and all, sadly also a brain-washed buffoon. Shes my first target. I tell her I don't want the anti-fungal and I clamp the tube to stop the flow.
Nurse:"You cant stop this anti-fungal, its important, you need it"
Me: I can stop it, it is my right, I decide what goes into my body."
Nurse: "Uh you will have to bring this up with the doctor"
Me: I would love to talk to the doctor
She leaves in a bit of a tizzy. I wipe the blood from my sword and prepare for the next round.
It's the nurse again...lawls
Nurse: "You know this anti-fungal is only helping you"
Me: Is it? from what I can tell all its doing is causing me pain.
Nurse: "You should really take it, what if we keep the pain killers up, could we give to you then?
Me: You know it's really simple. All I ask is that we stop this one anti-fungal and I can have a nice chat with the doctor in the morning.
Nurse: Youre being a fool
Me: It is truly a shame that you are so brainwashed you lack the compassion to see this from my point of view.
Easy pickings, wheres a doctor? I need a challenge.
Nurse comes back
Me: "You dont even think im being a little brave?
Nurse: I think you are being immature, you know how much those bags cost, you know how many people want those drugs.
Me: My heart goes out to them
Nurse: I talked to the doctor - We can give you these painkillers for the medication but we're going to continue the anti fungal.
Me: The doctor doesn't want to talk?
Nurse: Uh shes busy with another patient.
Me: Indeed
So I go out into the hall looking for my cool nurse friend so I can maybe suggest a new nurse for this night, cuz I was pretty sure my current one wanted to poison me - oh yes thats right I forgot to tell you why.
She brings in the anti-fungal and starts the pump. Ah well played, nurse, but you cannot match my craftiness. I know a thing or two about pumps. I haul my IV pole into the bathroom. I take the drug, snarl at its ugly yellow color, and I drain the bitch. Right into the sink. I can smell its stench, its toxicity, its...humanity. I finish up and reattach the tube, set the pump back to normal, I write "SAY NO TO DRUGS" on the anti-fungal and lie back down.
Ho ho ho did that set them off. Nurse was ablaze, but I easily parried and countered her meager attempts to make me feel bad. I remained polite and friendly, probably just aggrivating the nurse even more.
I go for a walk, nurses try to scare me with horror stories of fungus fungals. heh "fun gals" I like that. A mushroom walks into a bar and turns to a hottie "hey sugar wanna date? Ima "Fungi" oohhhh snap. I know that once my immune system rolls in it will wipe out whatever little bugs are growing. I know I am not here to die to some little fungus, I know that I am more powerful than any little bug of the body. Anyway it seems that I have annoyed the doctor enough to take her away from her "emergency".
God what a bitch. Whatever I like a good fight. This doctor wont stop saying "You dont want this drug? Then why are you here". I sigh and sigh again and answer in plain english "because I need the treatment. I am turning down one drug for one night. I dont mean to offend you or anyone. Again and again she asks these dumb questions. She tries to scare me into it, sorry babe, I put up shields against that shit ages ago. So we continue our useless skirmishing. She leaves in a hissie saying something about putting something down in my chart. Whatever bitch, you're lucky I dont report your ass to the ministry of health for breaking the hippocratic oath and knowingly causing a patient pain. Ill spare her life. I am merciful.
So that is my story of battle. I think I am being very brave for standing up to the system. I am proud of myself, I am in love with myself, I am achieving godliness every day.
I wipe the blood from my blade and leave the battle for another day...
Importance of Music
Man oh man. I have been listening to some great tunes recently and WOW does it feel great. A good friend of mine brought a bunch of songs and it turns out we have very similar taste. So I just inherited a bunch of awesome new songs and it makes me all giddy.
You see music has the ability to move you to bliss. Actually, now that I think about it, most art will do that. One day I was at the hospital for a lumbar puncture and some other chemo (which they inject in your buttcheek, bastards). Lumbar Punctures are pretty intense because, I mean, theres a giant fucking needle in your spine. Luckily the procedure was executed well - I've had a bad one but lets not talk about it - and you are asked to lie on your back for 20 mins to avoid a massive headache among other things. So I had my mp3 player, popped on a song called "I am free" by a local artist Prosad who does a type of indian-trance fusion (it makes a really cool combo) and these waves of bliss rolled over me. Heres a link to the song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S42LGG3Eq44 I had just survived a pretty dangerous procedure and "I was freeeee."
Music put me in touch with that godliness within each of us. I tasted pure bliss through sound waves. The vibrations resonated with my soul and it creates such a powerful experience. Another song that has invoked this feeling of godliness is a song by Arvo Pert called Summa. It might resonate more with me because I have had many lives as a christian and many lives in the Middle Ages. Here's a link: http://www.filefront.com/16675531/02%20Track%202%201.m4a (note: the version I wanted wasn't available online so I uploaded my own, its a safe d/l)
I guess what i'm trying to say is; during treatments you might feel depressed, overwhelmed, sad, apathetic, etc. Music can pull you out. Put your favorite songs on and feel gooooood! bob your head, swing your arms, full out dance if you have the energy. Do this and your soul will rejoice and you will feel and witness the healing effects.
I leave you all with one more song. It was funny, I randomly turned on the radio and switched to the french CBC because they usually have nice songs in the afternoon. So this great song comes on, I am wowwed by how much I like it and then I panic because it is in french! I strain my ears trying to hear some damn recognizable words, something, anything so I can find the name of this song! I keep panicking because it's not working, shes talking too fast, so I call up my dad who is french canadian and in a rush tell him to turn on the radio and tell me some lyrics fast! By the time he gets to the station the song ends. Anyway he directs me to the "recently played" section of their website and after some confusion, I found my baby. Funny thing is the song is called "Je Veux" and I had typed "Je Ve" when I was trying to hear the words hahaha.
Check it out, I want to marry this girl. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-5fcFEohLA
(I have a soft spot for the kazoo)
In summary keep on rockin!
You see music has the ability to move you to bliss. Actually, now that I think about it, most art will do that. One day I was at the hospital for a lumbar puncture and some other chemo (which they inject in your buttcheek, bastards). Lumbar Punctures are pretty intense because, I mean, theres a giant fucking needle in your spine. Luckily the procedure was executed well - I've had a bad one but lets not talk about it - and you are asked to lie on your back for 20 mins to avoid a massive headache among other things. So I had my mp3 player, popped on a song called "I am free" by a local artist Prosad who does a type of indian-trance fusion (it makes a really cool combo) and these waves of bliss rolled over me. Heres a link to the song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S42LGG3Eq44 I had just survived a pretty dangerous procedure and "I was freeeee."
Music put me in touch with that godliness within each of us. I tasted pure bliss through sound waves. The vibrations resonated with my soul and it creates such a powerful experience. Another song that has invoked this feeling of godliness is a song by Arvo Pert called Summa. It might resonate more with me because I have had many lives as a christian and many lives in the Middle Ages. Here's a link: http://www.filefront.com/16675531/02%20Track%202%201.m4a (note: the version I wanted wasn't available online so I uploaded my own, its a safe d/l)
I guess what i'm trying to say is; during treatments you might feel depressed, overwhelmed, sad, apathetic, etc. Music can pull you out. Put your favorite songs on and feel gooooood! bob your head, swing your arms, full out dance if you have the energy. Do this and your soul will rejoice and you will feel and witness the healing effects.
I leave you all with one more song. It was funny, I randomly turned on the radio and switched to the french CBC because they usually have nice songs in the afternoon. So this great song comes on, I am wowwed by how much I like it and then I panic because it is in french! I strain my ears trying to hear some damn recognizable words, something, anything so I can find the name of this song! I keep panicking because it's not working, shes talking too fast, so I call up my dad who is french canadian and in a rush tell him to turn on the radio and tell me some lyrics fast! By the time he gets to the station the song ends. Anyway he directs me to the "recently played" section of their website and after some confusion, I found my baby. Funny thing is the song is called "Je Veux" and I had typed "Je Ve" when I was trying to hear the words hahaha.
Check it out, I want to marry this girl. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-5fcFEohLA
(I have a soft spot for the kazoo)
In summary keep on rockin!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
What do they think I am? A chiwawa?
I'm sorry but I just gotta complain about the food again. I can't help it. I don't know how the food is at other hospitals but at Princess Margaret 80% of the time they might as well bring me dog food.
You know what's really fuckin hard to screw up? A grilled cheese. They just brought me one. Shit bread, shit processed cheese, not even melted anymore, and ONE little packet of ketchup. Guess what, I ate it. Most patients have to eat it or they'd starve. I on the other hand have huge food support. People bring me home cooked meals just so I CAN STAY ALIVE.
Honestly, these poor cancer patients are fighting for their lives and they need food, they need carbs, protiens, nutrients to cope with the powerful and draining drugs. What do they get? Miserable little microwave dinners. I went through a dry spell with my home-cooked food and I was constantly HUNGRY. Not only is the food miserable, its enough to feed a small animal. No you know what, they like to eat a lot too.
Oh and another thing, when I was first going through chemotherapy I was really sick. It hit me really really hard. I threw up a lot. One day my dinner was brought in. I, not knowing what perils awaited, opened up the tray to reveal a wobbily, greasy, slimy, mold of some sort of meat???? I dont fucking know what it was but I instantly threw up. Thanks kitchen crew! And every now and then the image of that meat blob would invade my mind's eye and instantly trigger vomit!
Cut backs they say. What shit. Heres a solution. You have a doctor who misdiagnosis someone. He or she screws up. A percentage of their bonus is taken and donated to the god damn hospital kitchen! I donno I am not a god damn administrator but something needs to be done.
Imagine with me a place where they bring you food that supports you during your treatment. A place where chefs take pride in their work, and noble work it would be. Real food to support the body in healing and repairing. This is a happy fantasy...
You know what's really fuckin hard to screw up? A grilled cheese. They just brought me one. Shit bread, shit processed cheese, not even melted anymore, and ONE little packet of ketchup. Guess what, I ate it. Most patients have to eat it or they'd starve. I on the other hand have huge food support. People bring me home cooked meals just so I CAN STAY ALIVE.
Honestly, these poor cancer patients are fighting for their lives and they need food, they need carbs, protiens, nutrients to cope with the powerful and draining drugs. What do they get? Miserable little microwave dinners. I went through a dry spell with my home-cooked food and I was constantly HUNGRY. Not only is the food miserable, its enough to feed a small animal. No you know what, they like to eat a lot too.
Oh and another thing, when I was first going through chemotherapy I was really sick. It hit me really really hard. I threw up a lot. One day my dinner was brought in. I, not knowing what perils awaited, opened up the tray to reveal a wobbily, greasy, slimy, mold of some sort of meat???? I dont fucking know what it was but I instantly threw up. Thanks kitchen crew! And every now and then the image of that meat blob would invade my mind's eye and instantly trigger vomit!
Cut backs they say. What shit. Heres a solution. You have a doctor who misdiagnosis someone. He or she screws up. A percentage of their bonus is taken and donated to the god damn hospital kitchen! I donno I am not a god damn administrator but something needs to be done.
Imagine with me a place where they bring you food that supports you during your treatment. A place where chefs take pride in their work, and noble work it would be. Real food to support the body in healing and repairing. This is a happy fantasy...
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Doctors: Indeed, they are only human.
As you may know I have been under the influence of a mysterious fever ever since I took a daypass for Victoria Day. Fever is usually quite a serious thing because it indicates that there is an invader in your body and of course, for leukemia patients in treatment, we can't do anything about it (or can we? more on this later). It cracks me up as I see doctors throw everything they got, everything they think should work, at this fever to no avail.
To me this fever is beyond them. It was really funny actually the entire Infectious Disease team came to visit me. Obviously baffled they ask is there ANYTHING you can tell us, any pain?? any differences of sensation? Anything?! I had to be honest, I feel fine, and in my heart I know I will be fine. This fever is not my enemy, infact it is probably helping to educate my body on feverism, because when you do have an immune system the healthiest way to react to cold or flue is to light up like a fire and burn the bad stuff away.
Something greater is at work. But a doctor could never understand that. They are stuck in the scientific world, they invested many years of their life and money into it, so they will continue to scan, sample, grow culture, and blindly hurl their bombs of biotic destruction. They're probably destroying a lot of good bacteria along the way, but i'll allow this blundering for now. Let me tell you though. If any of these antibiotics or antifungals or antivirals brings any sort of negative effect to me I will demand it removed. Ultimately I am in charge of what goes into MY body. They cannot refuse me and if they can through some bullshit I may have accidently signed I will pop and drain any bag they put up of the stuff.
It is important to note I am not telling you to go against your doctor. Most of the time they do an excellent job and they should be trusted. If your doctor isn't the trustable type, or bothers you in some way you have the right to request another. The bond between patient and doctor is so important. I love my doctor, he is incredibly brilliant but he also takes the time to text.
It's funny throughout this whole thing there has been one very vivid image in my head that accurately represents this situation. It is a scene from Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings where they encounter the legendary monster the Balrog. Gandalf explains to the fellowship that "SWORDS ARE NO MORE USE HERE!"
Indeed, dear doctors, this creature of heat is beyond your petty little medicines! Fly you fools!
Now that I think of it the Balrog could be seen as Gandalf's crises, his trial, his leukemia. And how he tackles that challenge! Best part is he comes out with shiny new robes and the greatest power to be attained in his order. He is my hero!
To me this fever is beyond them. It was really funny actually the entire Infectious Disease team came to visit me. Obviously baffled they ask is there ANYTHING you can tell us, any pain?? any differences of sensation? Anything?! I had to be honest, I feel fine, and in my heart I know I will be fine. This fever is not my enemy, infact it is probably helping to educate my body on feverism, because when you do have an immune system the healthiest way to react to cold or flue is to light up like a fire and burn the bad stuff away.
Something greater is at work. But a doctor could never understand that. They are stuck in the scientific world, they invested many years of their life and money into it, so they will continue to scan, sample, grow culture, and blindly hurl their bombs of biotic destruction. They're probably destroying a lot of good bacteria along the way, but i'll allow this blundering for now. Let me tell you though. If any of these antibiotics or antifungals or antivirals brings any sort of negative effect to me I will demand it removed. Ultimately I am in charge of what goes into MY body. They cannot refuse me and if they can through some bullshit I may have accidently signed I will pop and drain any bag they put up of the stuff.
It is important to note I am not telling you to go against your doctor. Most of the time they do an excellent job and they should be trusted. If your doctor isn't the trustable type, or bothers you in some way you have the right to request another. The bond between patient and doctor is so important. I love my doctor, he is incredibly brilliant but he also takes the time to text.
It's funny throughout this whole thing there has been one very vivid image in my head that accurately represents this situation. It is a scene from Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings where they encounter the legendary monster the Balrog. Gandalf explains to the fellowship that "SWORDS ARE NO MORE USE HERE!"
Indeed, dear doctors, this creature of heat is beyond your petty little medicines! Fly you fools!
Now that I think of it the Balrog could be seen as Gandalf's crises, his trial, his leukemia. And how he tackles that challenge! Best part is he comes out with shiny new robes and the greatest power to be attained in his order. He is my hero!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Make Cancer Your Ally
I have had the most amazing day so far and it's only 11am. I awoke after a good night's sleep to find out my fever, which I have had since Victoria Day had broken. The doctors kept trying to find what kind of bacteria was causing it and they tried one anti-biotic combo after another to no avail. Then today it just cleared up. That leads me to my next piece of news which makes me soul glow with glee.
The doctor just told me that my white count is starting to come back and it is coming back perfectly which puts any chance of relapse while inpatient at 2-5%! FUCK YES. See, when I first came here I met with a young guy, twenty years old, his mom wanted me to share my experience. And upon entering his room I saw the same sad sight I usually see. No hope, no life, no optimism, no anger, no nothing. His face was empty and drawn. I would walk by his room and he would be on his bed with the tv right in his face.
This is the case with probably 80% of patients? I mean for someone in their 80s, OK, but when you are young, when your body is at its most resilient, when it can take the most, when you probably dont have any other health complications, you have a fighting chance! Heck, the best fighting chance.
Anyway, in his state, he went through a round of chemotherapy, one month of the nasty treatment and guess what, he relapsed. It makes me so sad. He has to go through it again and who know what the result will be unless he changes his attitude towards this. And me hearing that this young guy relapsed right away put a thought of lingering fear in the back of my mind. So to get that news today was AHHHHHHHH yea.
That being said I am going to find his mom and have a long chat with her. That kid needs a lake to yell at, bad.
You see, it has become clear to me, that if you treat cancer not as this monster that is trying to end you, but rather as a powerful force that brings before you a question: "Are you ready to become who you are meant to be?" Unfortunately cancer has to be accompanied by very difficult treatments, but that could change in the near future, and it is the danger, the fear it brings that are essential to the very growth one needs to experience.
I have an allegorical vision of my leukemia as a woman in a snake-skin dress with a big smile and incredible wisdom behind green eyes. Will you make battle with her or will you join her in the dance and shed your built-up layers of snake skin to reveal the true you.
LETS DANCE
The doctor just told me that my white count is starting to come back and it is coming back perfectly which puts any chance of relapse while inpatient at 2-5%! FUCK YES. See, when I first came here I met with a young guy, twenty years old, his mom wanted me to share my experience. And upon entering his room I saw the same sad sight I usually see. No hope, no life, no optimism, no anger, no nothing. His face was empty and drawn. I would walk by his room and he would be on his bed with the tv right in his face.
This is the case with probably 80% of patients? I mean for someone in their 80s, OK, but when you are young, when your body is at its most resilient, when it can take the most, when you probably dont have any other health complications, you have a fighting chance! Heck, the best fighting chance.
Anyway, in his state, he went through a round of chemotherapy, one month of the nasty treatment and guess what, he relapsed. It makes me so sad. He has to go through it again and who know what the result will be unless he changes his attitude towards this. And me hearing that this young guy relapsed right away put a thought of lingering fear in the back of my mind. So to get that news today was AHHHHHHHH yea.
That being said I am going to find his mom and have a long chat with her. That kid needs a lake to yell at, bad.
You see, it has become clear to me, that if you treat cancer not as this monster that is trying to end you, but rather as a powerful force that brings before you a question: "Are you ready to become who you are meant to be?" Unfortunately cancer has to be accompanied by very difficult treatments, but that could change in the near future, and it is the danger, the fear it brings that are essential to the very growth one needs to experience.
I have an allegorical vision of my leukemia as a woman in a snake-skin dress with a big smile and incredible wisdom behind green eyes. Will you make battle with her or will you join her in the dance and shed your built-up layers of snake skin to reveal the true you.
LETS DANCE
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