Disclaimer: Trust your doctors and the drugs they give you, they are well trained. Unless of course you find them to be idiots, in which case take action, call to arms, prepare for battle.
Man oh man!! I knew this day would come. And I planned, I schemed, I giggled with glee. I have been hungering for a good fight and finally I got one. Who dares challenge the authority of a doctor??! Who dares deny a nurse???! ME - they asked for it and what they got they will not soon forget.
Sit back as I tell you a tale of battle, a tale of bravery, cunning, and sheer determination.
It all starts with this anti-fungal: a powerful drug that has been giving me a headache. I know its nastiness, I can sense it.
Enter nurse Stage Left:
shes a nice nurse, sweet hearted and all, sadly also a brain-washed buffoon. Shes my first target. I tell her I don't want the anti-fungal and I clamp the tube to stop the flow.
Nurse:"You cant stop this anti-fungal, its important, you need it"
Me: I can stop it, it is my right, I decide what goes into my body."
Nurse: "Uh you will have to bring this up with the doctor"
Me: I would love to talk to the doctor
She leaves in a bit of a tizzy. I wipe the blood from my sword and prepare for the next round.
It's the nurse again...lawls
Nurse: "You know this anti-fungal is only helping you"
Me: Is it? from what I can tell all its doing is causing me pain.
Nurse: "You should really take it, what if we keep the pain killers up, could we give to you then?
Me: You know it's really simple. All I ask is that we stop this one anti-fungal and I can have a nice chat with the doctor in the morning.
Nurse: Youre being a fool
Me: It is truly a shame that you are so brainwashed you lack the compassion to see this from my point of view.
Easy pickings, wheres a doctor? I need a challenge.
Nurse comes back
Me: "You dont even think im being a little brave?
Nurse: I think you are being immature, you know how much those bags cost, you know how many people want those drugs.
Me: My heart goes out to them
Nurse: I talked to the doctor - We can give you these painkillers for the medication but we're going to continue the anti fungal.
Me: The doctor doesn't want to talk?
Nurse: Uh shes busy with another patient.
Me: Indeed
So I go out into the hall looking for my cool nurse friend so I can maybe suggest a new nurse for this night, cuz I was pretty sure my current one wanted to poison me - oh yes thats right I forgot to tell you why.
She brings in the anti-fungal and starts the pump. Ah well played, nurse, but you cannot match my craftiness. I know a thing or two about pumps. I haul my IV pole into the bathroom. I take the drug, snarl at its ugly yellow color, and I drain the bitch. Right into the sink. I can smell its stench, its toxicity, its...humanity. I finish up and reattach the tube, set the pump back to normal, I write "SAY NO TO DRUGS" on the anti-fungal and lie back down.
Ho ho ho did that set them off. Nurse was ablaze, but I easily parried and countered her meager attempts to make me feel bad. I remained polite and friendly, probably just aggrivating the nurse even more.
I go for a walk, nurses try to scare me with horror stories of fungus fungals. heh "fun gals" I like that. A mushroom walks into a bar and turns to a hottie "hey sugar wanna date? Ima "Fungi" oohhhh snap. I know that once my immune system rolls in it will wipe out whatever little bugs are growing. I know I am not here to die to some little fungus, I know that I am more powerful than any little bug of the body. Anyway it seems that I have annoyed the doctor enough to take her away from her "emergency".
God what a bitch. Whatever I like a good fight. This doctor wont stop saying "You dont want this drug? Then why are you here". I sigh and sigh again and answer in plain english "because I need the treatment. I am turning down one drug for one night. I dont mean to offend you or anyone. Again and again she asks these dumb questions. She tries to scare me into it, sorry babe, I put up shields against that shit ages ago. So we continue our useless skirmishing. She leaves in a hissie saying something about putting something down in my chart. Whatever bitch, you're lucky I dont report your ass to the ministry of health for breaking the hippocratic oath and knowingly causing a patient pain. Ill spare her life. I am merciful.
So that is my story of battle. I think I am being very brave for standing up to the system. I am proud of myself, I am in love with myself, I am achieving godliness every day.
I wipe the blood from my blade and leave the battle for another day...
