Friday, August 27, 2010
Different Blog
We felt it would be better if we left Nic's blog as intact as we could so we'll be doing any future postings about Nic on a blog our sister, Izzy made, http://izzy-dreams.blogspot.com/
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Oh the pendulum how she swings...
In the Middle Ages the allegorical representation of fortune was a woman spinning a wheel. Cupid was a huge warrior archer who literally struck you down with his arrows- cooler than a chubby baby with wings? maybe. But back to fortune, the idea is you go up the wheel get your 15 mins of fame then eventually you are thrown off by "fickle lady fortune". And I think its very hard to get back on that damn wheel. I think I fell off the wheel a long time ago, probably once highschool ended or when my mother passed. But I have adopted the pendulum swing or rollercoaster to represent my situation - so I have little victories like the award I got. That made me so happy.
But you know it is about seeing the gift in everything really. Cancer as a catalyst for soul growth, a cough as a...no fuck coughs. I have these huge coughing fits that spit up lovely amounts of phlegm...at least the antibiotic I am on seems to be working to clear up the cough or "pnuemonia". Big scary names, nothing more than words, labels. I kid about the cough, it has brought up a lot for me and not just physically hehhe. It is a trigger for buried stuff to come up.
I had probably the biggest release of my life a few nights ago. I was again talking about my mom's death and I just burst into tears and wailed at how unfairly we treated her as she did our laundry and dishes and for 4-5 years we were stuck in a computer world. We missed out on so much of her and I was enraged and sad and so fucking pissed and I just bellowed it all out. My dad and lee were there too comforting me. I had never seen that side of myself and I liked it. Of course, eventually I pulled myself out of it, saw it all as just the illusion, sent myself love, smiled to lee and my dad and thanked the guides for the good cry. I hope to have another soon.
On a happier note I got a new computer chair and its so comfortable I fell asleep on it the first night :) Cancer is staying nice and low, kind of taken a seat for now it seems, which is good cuz im dealing with antibiotics right now, ugh.
But you know it is about seeing the gift in everything really. Cancer as a catalyst for soul growth, a cough as a...no fuck coughs. I have these huge coughing fits that spit up lovely amounts of phlegm...at least the antibiotic I am on seems to be working to clear up the cough or "pnuemonia". Big scary names, nothing more than words, labels. I kid about the cough, it has brought up a lot for me and not just physically hehhe. It is a trigger for buried stuff to come up.
I had probably the biggest release of my life a few nights ago. I was again talking about my mom's death and I just burst into tears and wailed at how unfairly we treated her as she did our laundry and dishes and for 4-5 years we were stuck in a computer world. We missed out on so much of her and I was enraged and sad and so fucking pissed and I just bellowed it all out. My dad and lee were there too comforting me. I had never seen that side of myself and I liked it. Of course, eventually I pulled myself out of it, saw it all as just the illusion, sent myself love, smiled to lee and my dad and thanked the guides for the good cry. I hope to have another soon.
On a happier note I got a new computer chair and its so comfortable I fell asleep on it the first night :) Cancer is staying nice and low, kind of taken a seat for now it seems, which is good cuz im dealing with antibiotics right now, ugh.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Best Leukemia Blog of 2010!!!
Dear Nicman1001,
Congratulations! Sarah here, and your blog, Cancer: A Spiritual Journey,
was determined to be one of the best blogs to exude overall brilliance. And
so, it has received our 2010 Top 50 Leukemia Blogs award presented by
Medical Billing and Coding!
---------------------------------------
Man oh man! What an incredible honor!! Speak from the heart, from truth and reap the rewards!
Sir Nic
Congratulations! Sarah here, and your blog, Cancer: A Spiritual Journey,
was determined to be one of the best blogs to exude overall brilliance. And
so, it has received our 2010 Top 50 Leukemia Blogs award presented by
Medical Billing and Coding!
---------------------------------------
Man oh man! What an incredible honor!! Speak from the heart, from truth and reap the rewards!
Sir Nic
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
When the physical fails...
The morning of hospital visits are always the most challenging because you're at your lowest. Like this morning for example I couldn't even walk and we have like 20 steps outfront our house. I made it to our front door and we realized it wasn't going to work. So my dad says "get on my back" and at first I was a bit hesitant - I think that we will just topple and all the kings horses and all the kings men... So I hop on his back anyway, and by hop I mean flop on to his back and away we go. One step "hooly shit" next step, and the next, lol my dad had the utmost confidence and I was just blown away by how strong he is haha. Or how light I am. Shit.
So we get to the bottom and he makes a break for the car and I cant stop laughing at the sight. I was just holding on for dear life while my long legs are dangling away as we cut across are neighborhood like some refugees. Hopefully nobody saw us! Imagine seeing that with your morning coffee.
So we made it to the car and all was well. It was actually really fun. I love my dad.
So we get to the bottom and he makes a break for the car and I cant stop laughing at the sight. I was just holding on for dear life while my long legs are dangling away as we cut across are neighborhood like some refugees. Hopefully nobody saw us! Imagine seeing that with your morning coffee.
So we made it to the car and all was well. It was actually really fun. I love my dad.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
BEING ME pt2.
Pneumonia? Oh yea, turns out I have it now. I was in the room with my dad and our good friend Ann when we got the news. My dad started crying and held me and Ann took off to call people to announce the "horrible horrible news". Nobody else even noticed the cancer count had been cut in half! I consoled my dad but of course I couldn't cry really I just kinda smiled. Guess what people I had pneumonia when I first got admitted and it cleared up. Ah well people need their crises and tragedy, why else do we watch the news? Always nice to see the support that rolls in too. So I think we established I had a bad cough (no shit).
But this cough is energy, your left nipple is energy, pneumonia is an energy. On one coughing fit I angrily bellowed "THIS IS NOT MY GRIEF TO CARRY" and then it stopped. Apparently we all carry a lot of baggage from our family histories and in my family there is a lot of unfelt, untouched grief being passed down the generations. From time when it wasn't "OK" to cry, or not proper. So stating those words that needed to be said helps to break those ties and well, it gave me some peaceful breathing.
Violent coughing and no platelets is your nose going "what the hell asshole i am trying to patch things up in here and you keep rocking the boat! violently!" And when it does patch things up sort of...you end up with massive globules of blood in your mouth, its all just horrible. So that was the worst night of my life. Tore up the back of my throat real good, woke up with a mouthful of blood on more than one occasion, but still there were some good lessons learned.
So I am slowly coming out of all that nonsense, strength is returning, snagging a few extra bags of blood tomorrow, should be feeling great for the weekend. Life is truly a pendulum, swinging from one extreme to the other. I am proud to say I remained a constant as my world shifted around me, as my body collapsed around me, and now as I climb back into the light I will remain the constant.
But this cough is energy, your left nipple is energy, pneumonia is an energy. On one coughing fit I angrily bellowed "THIS IS NOT MY GRIEF TO CARRY" and then it stopped. Apparently we all carry a lot of baggage from our family histories and in my family there is a lot of unfelt, untouched grief being passed down the generations. From time when it wasn't "OK" to cry, or not proper. So stating those words that needed to be said helps to break those ties and well, it gave me some peaceful breathing.
Violent coughing and no platelets is your nose going "what the hell asshole i am trying to patch things up in here and you keep rocking the boat! violently!" And when it does patch things up sort of...you end up with massive globules of blood in your mouth, its all just horrible. So that was the worst night of my life. Tore up the back of my throat real good, woke up with a mouthful of blood on more than one occasion, but still there were some good lessons learned.
So I am slowly coming out of all that nonsense, strength is returning, snagging a few extra bags of blood tomorrow, should be feeling great for the weekend. Life is truly a pendulum, swinging from one extreme to the other. I am proud to say I remained a constant as my world shifted around me, as my body collapsed around me, and now as I climb back into the light I will remain the constant.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
BEING ME
Last tuesday they started me on an antibiotic called Vanco for short. Comes along with a nice fuckin little pump I have to be attached to until the next hospital visit. Anyway, as the week goes along I feel an unusual hotness around my face and I just shrug it off as usual and get shit down like normal (well a little more relaxed cuz of the healing).
One of those things included going to a very cool studio and recording my vocals for this lullaby-esque song about the profound bond formed between mother and newborn and the impossible promise how no harm will ever come to the baby ever. I was a little nervous at first and in practice couldnt land the first note, which has never been a problem for me, but I overcame it and come showtime I was epic. I told myself, "this was your idea, just do it Nic" and I stepped into the recording area.
They loved my voice! The producer who owns the studio even gave me more work to do for the song, he wants me to write my own verse, in a kind of free style . I jotted down some stuff already, gonna kinda wing it...keep it raw...it's really really fun stuff. Cyn is working on her albums right now so that is how I had this connection. We sound quite good together together if I say so, and the producer, Matt (other baldy), was really cool and helped you get as comfortable as possible.
So later that day, Sharon who I was hanging with...or who was babysitting me...whatever, was really starting to get worried about how hot I was getting. I am used to seeing Sharon be a little overprotective and I told her she was just fussing over nothing. Nevertheless I took my temp and it was really high. 39.9 to be exact and I felt fine of course but that was a little troubling to me. Then it hit me, I had just finished a dose of Vanco. The powerful antibiotic they were giving me was spiking my temp ,then as it left my sysem my temp would calm down again. I was faced with an option again; keep taking the hits and spiking or take action as I have in the past and "bleed the bitch". Whatever, I stuck with it and tolerated the next two doses.
So, I get the hospital and well you know what im really getting way too bored explaining all this so ill make this really short:
I WAS TIRED
CANCER WAS HIGH
GOT CHEMO
CHEMO + ANTIBIOTICS = BYE PLATELETS INSTANTLY AND HELLO BLEEEEEDING GUMS AND NOSE.
CHEMO + ANTIBIOTICS = MASSIVE WEAKNESS
ENTER MASSIVE AND ANNOYING DRY COUGH
So ya this cough is like nothing before and it keeps me up, cough cough cough cough cough cough gag breath cough cough cough cough gag *waiting for that point where it calms down* brings me to points of vomiting (not that anything comes up) and the worst part is, its dry, not getting anything out of it. UGH! There was no stopping in sight. what it WAS bringing up is a very irritated nasal capillieries I work up the courage and call my dad at 4am and ask for some really powerful cough syrup. As soon as I do that the cough instantly stops.
All I had to, all it wanted me to, was to speak up for myself. I had cough candies but they are just little fixes dont do anything really. My dad of course is totally ready to help and he flies to the nearest 24 hr store and then spends much of the rest of the night with me. I just had that old combo pop up 1) you deserve to suffer, 2) don't bother your dad he won't love you as much, 3)me so lazy, 4) just be a man. So I got over all that shit and spoke my truth, what I needed. Cough vanishes. He goes to the 24 hr shoppers and finds one for me.This shit is supposed to last 12 hrs and it lasts 1 at most. Whatever, what is more important is the realization that this cough is hugely energetic so I used it as such. And it began to really calm down from that night on, there are of course still episodes of cough where i'm uncontrollably caught in a cycle of omg plz make it stop but its much much better.
Oh god too much writing, lot more to come.
One of those things included going to a very cool studio and recording my vocals for this lullaby-esque song about the profound bond formed between mother and newborn and the impossible promise how no harm will ever come to the baby ever. I was a little nervous at first and in practice couldnt land the first note, which has never been a problem for me, but I overcame it and come showtime I was epic. I told myself, "this was your idea, just do it Nic" and I stepped into the recording area.
They loved my voice! The producer who owns the studio even gave me more work to do for the song, he wants me to write my own verse, in a kind of free style . I jotted down some stuff already, gonna kinda wing it...keep it raw...it's really really fun stuff. Cyn is working on her albums right now so that is how I had this connection. We sound quite good together together if I say so, and the producer, Matt (other baldy), was really cool and helped you get as comfortable as possible.
So later that day, Sharon who I was hanging with...or who was babysitting me...whatever, was really starting to get worried about how hot I was getting. I am used to seeing Sharon be a little overprotective and I told her she was just fussing over nothing. Nevertheless I took my temp and it was really high. 39.9 to be exact and I felt fine of course but that was a little troubling to me. Then it hit me, I had just finished a dose of Vanco. The powerful antibiotic they were giving me was spiking my temp ,then as it left my sysem my temp would calm down again. I was faced with an option again; keep taking the hits and spiking or take action as I have in the past and "bleed the bitch". Whatever, I stuck with it and tolerated the next two doses.
So, I get the hospital and well you know what im really getting way too bored explaining all this so ill make this really short:
I WAS TIRED
CANCER WAS HIGH
GOT CHEMO
CHEMO + ANTIBIOTICS = BYE PLATELETS INSTANTLY AND HELLO BLEEEEEDING GUMS AND NOSE.
CHEMO + ANTIBIOTICS = MASSIVE WEAKNESS
ENTER MASSIVE AND ANNOYING DRY COUGH
So ya this cough is like nothing before and it keeps me up, cough cough cough cough cough cough gag breath cough cough cough cough gag *waiting for that point where it calms down* brings me to points of vomiting (not that anything comes up) and the worst part is, its dry, not getting anything out of it. UGH! There was no stopping in sight. what it WAS bringing up is a very irritated nasal capillieries I work up the courage and call my dad at 4am and ask for some really powerful cough syrup. As soon as I do that the cough instantly stops.
All I had to, all it wanted me to, was to speak up for myself. I had cough candies but they are just little fixes dont do anything really. My dad of course is totally ready to help and he flies to the nearest 24 hr store and then spends much of the rest of the night with me. I just had that old combo pop up 1) you deserve to suffer, 2) don't bother your dad he won't love you as much, 3)me so lazy, 4) just be a man. So I got over all that shit and spoke my truth, what I needed. Cough vanishes. He goes to the 24 hr shoppers and finds one for me.This shit is supposed to last 12 hrs and it lasts 1 at most. Whatever, what is more important is the realization that this cough is hugely energetic so I used it as such. And it began to really calm down from that night on, there are of course still episodes of cough where i'm uncontrollably caught in a cycle of omg plz make it stop but its much much better.
Oh god too much writing, lot more to come.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
quick note
Hey everyone,
I am sorry I havn't posted anything in a long time I have just been wayy too busy in every way imagineable and in some ways that just include being stuck in bed. Hopefully soon I can post about the wedding, the second energy session from Brazil, and all the craziness afterwards.
I am sorry I havn't posted anything in a long time I have just been wayy too busy in every way imagineable and in some ways that just include being stuck in bed. Hopefully soon I can post about the wedding, the second energy session from Brazil, and all the craziness afterwards.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)