Cancer: A Spiritual Journey

Different Blog

2010-08-27T02:57:00.004-04:00

We felt it would be better if we left Nic's blog as intact as we could so we'll be doing any future postings about Nic on a blog our sister, Izzy made, http://izzy-dreams.blogspot.com/

Oh the pendulum how she swings...

2010-08-21T10:41:00.003-04:00

In the Middle Ages the allegorical representation of fortune was a woman spinning a wheel. Cupid was a huge warrior archer who literally struck you down with his arrows- cooler than a chubby baby with wings? maybe. But back to fortune, the idea is you go up the wheel get your 15 mins of fame then eventually you are thrown off by "fickle lady fortune". And I think its very hard to get back on that damn wheel. I think I fell off the wheel a long time ago, probably once highschool ended or when my mother passed. But I have adopted the pendulum swing or rollercoaster to represent my situation - so I have little victories like the award I got. That made me so happy.

But you know it is about seeing the gift in everything really. Cancer as a catalyst for soul growth, a cough as a...no fuck coughs. I have these huge coughing fits that spit up lovely amounts of phlegm...at least the antibiotic I am on seems to be working to clear up the cough or "pnuemonia". Big scary names, nothing more than words, labels. I kid about the cough, it has brought up a lot for me and not just physically hehhe. It is a trigger for buried stuff to come up.

I had probably the biggest release of my life a few nights ago. I was again talking about my mom's death and I just burst into tears and wailed at how unfairly we treated her as she did our laundry and dishes and for 4-5 years we were stuck in a computer world. We missed out on so much of her and I was enraged and sad and so fucking pissed and I just bellowed it all out. My dad and lee were there too comforting me. I had never seen that side of myself and I liked it. Of course, eventually I pulled myself out of it, saw it all as just the illusion, sent myself love, smiled to lee and my dad and thanked the guides for the good cry. I hope to have another soon.

On a happier note I got a new computer chair and its so comfortable I fell asleep on it the first night :) Cancer is staying nice and low, kind of taken a seat for now it seems, which is good cuz im dealing with antibiotics right now, ugh.

Best Leukemia Blog of 2010!!!

2010-08-19T18:05:00.002-04:00

Dear Nicman1001,

Congratulations! Sarah here, and your blog, Cancer: A Spiritual Journey,
was determined to be one of the best blogs to exude overall brilliance. And
so, it has received our 2010 Top 50 Leukemia Blogs award presented by
Medical Billing and Coding!

---------------------------------------

Man oh man! What an incredible honor!! Speak from the heart, from truth and reap the rewards!

Sir Nic

When the physical fails...

2010-08-17T21:17:00.003-04:00

The morning of hospital visits are always the most challenging because you're at your lowest. Like this morning for example I couldn't even walk and we have like 20 steps outfront our house. I made it to our front door and we realized it wasn't going to work. So my dad says "get on my back" and at first I was a bit hesitant - I think that we will just topple and all the kings horses and all the kings men... So I hop on his back anyway, and by hop I mean flop on to his back and away we go. One step "hooly shit" next step, and the next, lol my dad had the utmost confidence and I was just blown away by how strong he is haha. Or how light I am. Shit.

So we get to the bottom and he makes a break for the car and I cant stop laughing at the sight. I was just holding on for dear life while my long legs are dangling away as we cut across are neighborhood like some refugees. Hopefully nobody saw us! Imagine seeing that with your morning coffee.

So we made it to the car and all was well. It was actually really fun. I love my dad.

BEING ME pt2.

2010-08-12T21:09:00.004-04:00

Pneumonia? Oh yea, turns out I have it now. I was in the room with my dad and our good friend Ann when we got the news. My dad started crying and held me and Ann took off to call people to announce the "horrible horrible news". Nobody else even noticed the cancer count had been cut in half! I consoled my dad but of course I couldn't cry really I just kinda smiled. Guess what people I had pneumonia when I first got admitted and it cleared up. Ah well people need their crises and tragedy, why else do we watch the news? Always nice to see the support that rolls in too. So I think we established I had a bad cough (no shit).

But this cough is energy, your left nipple is energy, pneumonia is an energy. On one coughing fit I angrily bellowed "THIS IS NOT MY GRIEF TO CARRY" and then it stopped. Apparently we all carry a lot of baggage from our family histories and in my family there is a lot of unfelt, untouched grief being passed down the generations. From time when it wasn't "OK" to cry, or not proper. So stating those words that needed to be said helps to break those ties and well, it gave me some peaceful breathing.

Violent coughing and no platelets is your nose going "what the hell asshole i am trying to patch things up in here and you keep rocking the boat! violently!" And when it does patch things up sort of...you end up with massive globules of blood in your mouth, its all just horrible. So that was the worst night of my life. Tore up the back of my throat real good, woke up with a mouthful of blood on more than one occasion, but still there were some good lessons learned.

So I am slowly coming out of all that nonsense, strength is returning, snagging a few extra bags of blood tomorrow, should be feeling great for the weekend. Life is truly a pendulum, swinging from one extreme to the other. I am proud to say I remained a constant as my world shifted around me, as my body collapsed around me, and now as I climb back into the light I will remain the constant.

BEING ME

2010-08-10T11:04:00.004-04:00

Last tuesday they started me on an antibiotic called Vanco for short. Comes along with a nice fuckin little pump I have to be attached to until the next hospital visit. Anyway, as the week goes along I feel an unusual hotness around my face and I just shrug it off as usual and get shit down like normal (well a little more relaxed cuz of the healing).

One of those things included going to a very cool studio and recording my vocals for this lullaby-esque song about the profound bond formed between mother and newborn and the impossible promise how no harm will ever come to the baby ever. I was a little nervous at first and in practice couldnt land the first note, which has never been a problem for me, but I overcame it and come showtime I was epic. I told myself, "this was your idea, just do it Nic" and I stepped into the recording area.

They loved my voice! The producer who owns the studio even gave me more work to do for the song, he wants me to write my own verse, in a kind of free style . I jotted down some stuff already, gonna kinda wing it...keep it raw...it's really really fun stuff. Cyn is working on her albums right now so that is how I had this connection. We sound quite good together together if I say so, and the producer, Matt (other baldy), was really cool and helped you get as comfortable as possible.

So later that day, Sharon who I was hanging with...or who was babysitting me...whatever, was really starting to get worried about how hot I was getting. I am used to seeing Sharon be a little overprotective and I told her she was just fussing over nothing. Nevertheless I took my temp and it was really high. 39.9 to be exact and I felt fine of course but that was a little troubling to me. Then it hit me, I had just finished a dose of Vanco. The powerful antibiotic they were giving me was spiking my temp ,then as it left my sysem my temp would calm down again. I was faced with an option again; keep taking the hits and spiking or take action as I have in the past and "bleed the bitch". Whatever, I stuck with it and tolerated the next two doses.

So, I get the hospital and well you know what im really getting way too bored explaining all this so ill make this really short:

I WAS TIRED
CANCER WAS HIGH
GOT CHEMO
CHEMO + ANTIBIOTICS = BYE PLATELETS INSTANTLY AND HELLO BLEEEEEDING GUMS AND NOSE.
CHEMO + ANTIBIOTICS = MASSIVE WEAKNESS
ENTER MASSIVE AND ANNOYING DRY COUGH

So ya this cough is like nothing before and it keeps me up, cough cough cough cough cough cough gag breath cough cough cough cough gag *waiting for that point where it calms down* brings me to points of vomiting (not that anything comes up) and the worst part is, its dry, not getting anything out of it. UGH! There was no stopping in sight. what it WAS bringing up is a very irritated nasal capillieries I work up the courage and call my dad at 4am and ask for some really powerful cough syrup. As soon as I do that the cough instantly stops.

All I had to, all it wanted me to, was to speak up for myself. I had cough candies but they are just little fixes dont do anything really. My dad of course is totally ready to help and he flies to the nearest 24 hr store and then spends much of the rest of the night with me. I just had that old combo pop up 1) you deserve to suffer, 2) don't bother your dad he won't love you as much, 3)me so lazy, 4) just be a man. So I got over all that shit and spoke my truth, what I needed. Cough vanishes. He goes to the 24 hr shoppers and finds one for me.This shit is supposed to last 12 hrs and it lasts 1 at most. Whatever, what is more important is the realization that this cough is hugely energetic so I used it as such. And it began to really calm down from that night on, there are of course still episodes of cough where i'm uncontrollably caught in a cycle of omg plz make it stop but its much much better.

Oh god too much writing, lot more to come.

quick note

2010-08-07T12:54:00.002-04:00

Hey everyone,
I am sorry I havn't posted anything in a long time I have just been wayy too busy in every way imagineable and in some ways that just include being stuck in bed. Hopefully soon I can post about the wedding, the second energy session from Brazil, and all the craziness afterwards.

Fearless

2010-08-01T12:55:00.008-04:00

It is easy to get caught up in the fear of life. Whether you are fighting for your life or just going to an interview. Everyone deals with fear in their own way. But imagine a world where you did not feel fear anymore. You could face and approach any circumstance in peace, joy, confidence. Instead of the fear there would be compassion and unconditional love for all things.

You would live mostly in the moment because future and past are often just used to fuel fears. Being entirely in the moment frees you to reach your full potential because there isn't always a voice reminding you of past "failures" or projecting disapointing futures into your mind. Being in this state of love you will influence those around you and like a flock of birds reacting to a predator groups of humans will begin to take off, transform, transcend.

I love the beginning of Eckhart Tolle's book A New Earth where he describes the enlightenment of plants. He talks about how at some point plants didn't flower at all, but then one does and it triggers a plant enlightenment as each plant begins to flower as time goes on. It's much more awesome the way he describes it, if you're in a bookstore have a peak at the intro.

Cynthia told me about someone she knows, a thirteen year old, who has been diagnosed with exactly the same Leukemia signs as I showed at the start of my journey. I can't imagine what a powerful soul she must be to take on such a challenge at so young an age. I send her so much love and dedicate this post to her. Humans are beginning to ascend to transform, to be reborn. We lead the way with our tough paths which force us to face all this challenge so early in life. May we find the peace of fearlessness and the bliss of unconditional love.

http://www.youtube.com/user/LOVELINESWG#p/u/3/sumjW_POPVg

Hiding Under The Blankets

2010-07-31T09:18:00.004-04:00

I always put a brave face on but recently I have been plagued by such doubts, such fears, on a level not experienced yet. The episodes of fear are often very intense but very quick. I just had a big one move through. I can usually make them move but there is an ocean of reserve it seems. On one hand it's great and powerful stuff to work with but man..

You see, I am holding desperately on to the belief that I can still beat this somehow. But with every hospital visit, every day, we seem to approach an end that is becoming more and more "real". Theres a line from a song that says, "Life is just a deathbound train" or something and that damn line keeps repeating in my head. People who are in great fear drive me nuts and I am pissing myself off lately with how much I am being influenced by it, but hey I am just a man.

When it comes to support on one side I have the medical personnel who really don't help much. They are all really excellent and nice people but all their faith is in the medicine that is slowly but surely failing. They say "don't give up" but then tell you how the latest chemo doesn't work anymore.

On the other hand I have my family, friends, people like Cynthia - my spiritual support - who are always there and give me the hope I need to keep going without falling into complete darkness. I am living event to event right now. I have a wedding tomorrow that I have been using as a goal to get to, and after this wedding is another, then my birthday, then christmas all are just becoming markers that I hope to reach. That's no healthy way to live but I am right now, writing this has helped me realize I probably need to change that attitude but it just happens naturally when you're this close to death.

I have had visions and dreams of the cure for cancer, or maybe the cure for my cancer, involving death. I can't remember if I wrote about it but one dream about the cure for cancer was about patients dying then being brought back to life - cancer free. What is most important for me right now is to just become completely comfortable with death, be at peace with it, completely surrendered to it's "power" and happy to experience it. Perhaps then, if I do die, on the other side I will be met with an option to return to my body or to go home. What would I as a soul choose? Embodied as I am right now the choice is easy, but who knows when you become your highest evolved self. Ah its all just fun conjecture anyway.

This wedding should be a lot of fun, hope my energy holds out! Bye for now...

Still In The Woods

2010-07-27T08:42:00.002-04:00

Alas, latest count check showed that the cancer is still present, LKC was at 18 (a bit too high). The healing session with the guides was incredible but I did have a feeling that I wasn't quite done with Leukemia yet. I will know when that time comes and then it is time for the knight to lose this lady. Or die trying. Haha.

The healing felt a lot like it was laying down foundations for future work, perhaps my own, or maybe in preparation for an actual visit to Brazil where I can get the healing in person. Who can say really, it is all too complex and far beyond our mortal minds to try and understand the intricacies of a soul's journey.

All I must do is keep doing what I do. Feel what comes and work with it. Keep punching fear in the face until it is so disfigured it won't make a reappearance. Continue to see illusion in that which seems so incredibly real and thus shattering it's power over me. And of course ultimately surrendering entirely to the whole situation, because in that act you are stating that you are unafraid, that you are not caught in the illusion, and that you are divinity. Surrender is the key, thats what they tell me. I know I havn't reached that point yet and so I knew I wasn't done with cancer. Going for the Fleece!

But we ask you to reach toward surrender
even as you continue the battle
for this is the prize
this is the chalice
this is the Golden Fleece

Be free first
beautiful heart
and then all
will be well.

p.s. I actually just got a sheep skin blanket to lie on and it is soooo comfortable hahaha. Last time I lay on one was when I was a newborn. I recommend them for all. I also wear it on my shoulders and walk around like a barbarian. Win.

50th post: Miracles Do Happen

2010-07-23T15:30:00.002-04:00

It's hard to sit down and write this when all I wanna do is celebrate. Luckily for you guys I have low energy today. About four hours ago I witnessed a miracle, a real, actual, physically present and printed miracle. On my blood count printout was a completely healthy lkc (white blood cell) count. Back on tuesday it was 22, which is decent, chemo got that down from 44. They offered me more chemo, because that dose was now out of my system, but I said no and decided to wait till friday to see how it was.

I was expecting it to be high. Past experience has shown cancer growth to be exponential; 22 goes to 44 then to 88 then to boom boom pow my veins are exploding, if you let it keep going. I still felt ok at 220 count, digesting got harder, but other than that just big veins. White count today was 3.7 - a good and healthy number. Now, whether or not that is still cancer or healthy white cells I don't know but what do I do know is that that number was achieved without chemo of any type. There was no left over chemo in my system from back when I had some, they actually gave me a "rescue" to help rid my system of it after it had done it's job. In addition my hemoglobin went up and platelets held their ground for once in a long time. Something knocked the cancer out of my body and that something was extremely powerful energy healing.

Herein lies my experience of the healing I experienced July 22, 2010:

Some of you may have heard of Joao de Deus down in Brazil by now, theres fundraising being done to send me to see him. I don't wanna go into details about him you can check out his site / google him. He is the world's most powerful healer since Jesus they say and I got an hour of his time! Since I couldn't fly right now, our contact to his people, organised for me a long-distance session with his guides. Joao, or John, channels thirty or so spirit doctors or guides who heal the very ill.

6:45 am: chow down some yogurt for breakfast and dress all in white (helps the guides see your energy fields). Not allowed any electronic devices for 24 hrs.

7:00 am: lie down on my back and cross my arms over my chest - right hand over my heart because it's leukemia, left over right. Immediately I got hit with a chest pain, a muscle spasmed on my right side and I had sharp pain if I breathed in too much, still I focused on the healing session. It was my job now to allow the guides access to my being. So I saw them fly in, come next to me and stand around my body. I could sense my mom was present but behind my field of vision and Joao even made an appearance in his human body at the foot of my "bed".

next 45 mins or so: I see the guides get to work, each one working on various parts of my body. I decide to incorporate the pain in my chest as part of the healing and relate it to possibly the old and now dead subconscious belief I used to have that I didn't deserve to breathe, to live. I feel that old painful thought and let it go. It also brought me a little fear, I was kind of freaking out at one point where it really started to hurt to keep holding my arms over my chest, but similarly I got that to move and calmed myself again.

I had two main visions from this point on. The first was so amazing I tingle just thinking about it. I had an archangel make an appearance. My dad who was also meditating back at home to help my healing at the time also envisioned this angel joining the healing. He saw Michael. I saw the most beautiful woman with the biggest smile and she soared in as the guides made way for her. I didn't see any wings just her flowing robe of light, but I wasnt really looking :). She hovered over me and with one hand beamed down blocks of intense light mostly into my hip area (the main source of bone marrow) but elsewhere in my body too. The blocks would glow as such for a while then fade into nothingness in their places.

The next vision I had was me as a kid, maybe, all in red - shorts and shirt - and I go up to a park bench and lie down. Just then a mass of little colored pebble-like things pile ontop of the boy and the bench. They look like colored mentos. They eventually get to the point where it's just the boy's head showing and then that gets consumed too by the moving wave or mass of what really looks like candy haha. The boy can't breathe now but just then all the pebbles are wiped out of existance. To me this is just plain metaphor for the overwhelming presence of cancer cells in the blood, to the point of near death, and then just simply being vaporized from the world just in an instant.

After the hour session, the recipient has to spend 24 hours in meditation and inwards thought. Food can be brought and a little conversation is OK but no electronics, no distractions, no outside noise (as much as possible). I always wondered what a day like that would be like, so I didn't mind. It was like relaxing in bed, as I often do, but more...lots more. I slept a lot too. They left me with the lovely chest pain so I focused on that for healing but also did lots of visualization and entertained crazy ideas about cancer being completely gone.

My thanks to the Beckett family again and Brendan especially for use of his room. They all kept nicely quiet as I went to work with my crazy ways. I did feel like the cancer was gone from my body after the morning and it was scary but I dared to believe it true. I totally expected to be let down when I got to the hospital, that life would just be yet another upset for me, another plummet on that rollercoaster, more chemo, etc etc. Yet when I got called up, and my little asian nurse had a big smile on her face and said my counts were good, and I looked at LKC and saw THREE POINT SEVEN, I was extatic. I walked out of there on a cloud. The nurse thought I had had chemo, I was like "nope- cya".

I emailed Dr. Minden simply saying "3.7 lkc sans chemo, not too shabby" but I couldn't get a rise out of him. He said "no chemo today" lol.

Now, that 3.7 might still be cancer cells and I could fall back into that battle again but for now I will keep positive and just enjoy the moment, as always. I couldn't help but cry because I have been through so much SHIT with this god damn disease and I just kept trusting and believing in my spirituality, even so close to death I was ready, but I never gave up that belief that I could somehow pull through this. This gives me hope, proof, and reward for all that work. I thought I was in bliss before, nuhuh, now I am. Excuse me while I scream for joy.

-Sir Nic

The Ballad of Sir Nic and Baron Blasts

2010-07-17T09:05:00.005-04:00

The two stared at eachother,
A faint recognition,
A bad taste in the mouth,
One carrying the banner of the constant Light,
The other a banner of exploding darkness.
Realization and disgust overwhelm,
Then without moments hesitation,
The once serene landscape
is turned into a hellish turmoil.,
As the two entities crash,
A tsunami hitting an erupting volcano,
Never before was such a battle seen.

Such mighty swings were had that day,
Earthshattering blows with whatever weapon,
As the combatants grew
To unnatural size and strength.
Telephone poles, uprooted trees, buildings,
The warrior of light matches the darkness
Blow for blow as such destruction
is wrought on the land.
Darkness pulls a plane out of the air
and swings exploding the hull
against our hero.

It is a mighty hit,
Our hero is toppled and the light fades,
But the good and noble warrior,
Of justice and truth,
Is gifted a new weapon,
In the wing of the plane:
A blade worthy of the ancient kings.

The darkness continues
It's horrible onslaught,
But does not see
the approaching blade.
That gentle knight,
Dealt such a smite
To the monster's skull,
It sent the beast flying backwards,
Entirely pained and distraught.

With renewed strength,
That truest warrior,
Lept afterwards and plunged forth,
the blade into the belly of the beast.
With the unworthy monster held in place,
And sufficiently subdued,
Our good and comely knight,
Champion of the light,
kneels down to pray.

The creature of darkness
Begins to groan and writhe
Then, with prayer being done,
Our faithful knight
Did twist that blade,
and instantly upon withdrawing
That cold metal,
The beast did scream and explode into
billions of particles of pure light.

Thus endeth the Ballad of Sir Nic and Baron Blasts as I have been told it. Amen
(Inspired by dream and the 14th century poem "Gawain and the Green Knight" and many other Arthurian legends)

Kaboom Kablooey

2010-07-16T23:46:00.004-04:00

Man oh man oh man...what a fucking rollercoaster. No. You know what rollercoasters go up too and I havnt seen much god damn UP recently. This is a god damn abyss (go go abyss jumping). So on tuesday they give me the same chemo that only two or three weeks ago brought me from 220 white count to 7 in a couple days. I go in today (friday) and it has had no effect on the cancer whatsoever. Wow cancer. You are a quick learner, you whore. Vinblastine and Aspergenaise are out and I am now on Methotrexate if anyone cares for names. Havn't had much Metho... maybe it'll dumbfound this clever disease long enough for me to take a shit in peace.

Me and my dad cried buckets together at the hospital, it was good good good but so sad. I don't even care about dying, which we talked about in detail with the Minden. I said I dont want to be put on life support. I would much rather die at home or on the warm cement of a sidewalk than in a god damn ICU hooked up to all manner of machine just to prolong what wants to happen. If i am to die lets make it quick like my mom.

Where my tears came from mostly was just thinking about my family who will, of course, be hit so hard. We already had one huge death why do we need another? Oh that's right, I am not meant to die. This is my soul's journey and it is taking me so close to death, so close to something that feels so so so so real but of course is just the same as everything else - false. It is just the veil pulled over our eyes. I slip in and out of believing in the lie, to seeing the illusion, to freaking out about dying, to smiling at the whole thing, back to so much sadness at leaving loved ones to being completely unattached to anything. The gaps are filled with good ol numbness, staring at random objects, playing games, watching seasons of Entourage, eating.

These things are just so complex, way too complex for the human mind to understand I think. I love to try to make sense of stuff, it's part of being a libra, to try and find truth in everything. I may have over-simplified things but it was fun all along the way. I may be leaving this planet soon so I donno if you want to meet up while I am still somewhat mobile and shit let me know - we will craft some plans.

I still think I am going to beat this. Perhaps I already have. But I mean survive this, which any normal person would have to be insane to think. This cancer is so aggressive, intelligent, angry? If karma exists I must have really done some horrible horrible shit things in a past life, wow. But giving up is for pussies. I had such a cool dream. I was walking to a table with food or something on it and someone gave me a wierd look of long lost recognition and it was a little hostile. I kept my eye on him and he turned into a massive monster and swung at me with a huge draconic claw. I then found out that I was able to take the hit because I was made out of the same kind of wierd morphoshit this guy was and I was suddenly a massive monster thing myself and we both just started sluggin the shit out of eachother with telephone poles and shit and it felt so great then I woke up haha.

Lets see what chemo has left in its bag of tricks (probably not much) and let's see how it all plays out, should be most exciting indeed. To die is probably a marvelous adventure, much like childbirth I imagine but without the screaming...ok maybe some screaming, HAHA.

p.s. liz, im not dying. <3

Cleared For Liftoff!

2010-07-10T10:02:00.004-04:00

So after seeing my counts for two weeks in a row now, I can safely say that for the time being cancer has been beaten back and remains as a small but present annoyance. The beast still lingers but we have a time of peace now. I don't really know what Minden wants to do now, infact I havn't heard from him at all in the past few hospital visits. I feel abandoned :( but I mean...maybe it really is being left up to me to see if I can find a way to make peace with this disease.

Anyone who has read this blog knows that I am a strong supporter of energy healing. In Brazil there is a healer called Joao de Deus or John of God. He channels thirty or so spirit doctors and he is able to perform complex surgeries without any anesthetics and the patient feels no pain. He has cured cancers, aids, MS, blindness, drug addiction and removed many tumors. There has been a documentary made about him and lots of other articles, videos, whatever, just check youtube.

Anyway, we have a family friend who went to visit him and she loved the experience and wants to fundraise enough money for me and my dad to visit this healer - - - Heh I just got off the phone with Dr. Minden and I am cleared to fly!! I had to tell him why I wanted to go to Brazil "to visit a spirit healer" haha oh man, that was fun. He didn't comment, I bet he sees a lot of this stuff.

More on this later I gotta make some calls!

p.s. during the "- - -" I emailed dr minden to see if i could fly, he emailed back that i had to call him, then i called my dad cuz i was like freakin out that id have to be the crazy person and tell him about this healer man, but then i got over it and called him and thats where the blog continues. lol!

p.p.s. Not that I have to justify myself to anyone but to the naysayers and unbelievers I say put yourself in my shoes. Where do you turn when modern medicine fails? Alternative healing methods, holistic medicine, energy healing (in my case), and whatever else. When it comes to life and death you want to know you tried everything, at least I do. He may heal the cancer he may not, at least I got to go to Brazil, right? :)

2010-07-05T16:43:00.002-04:00

Man, life is hard right now. Well no, not life, but wrestling with my state of mind is hard right now. I seem to have fallen back into a place of much fear around death. Maybe not death but dying. The lovely Dr. Minden laid down the list of all the potential ways I could die or end up in the ICU breathing with tubes and hooked up to god knows what manner of various medical machines. Last night I burst into tears at that thought. How horrible.

I look at my veins now and they are filling up again, bulging out again, I think the cancer is making a return. It could just be this really warm weather but fuck, I doubt it. I guess that means more chemo for me. What a fucking shit way to end such a short and shit life. Cancer, chemo, cancer, chemo, cancer - chemo not working, done. Is that any way for any one to die? I feel so miserable, I feel so helpless, I feel so fucked.

release - release - release - release - release - trust - trust - trust - trust - trust

I look around at my surroundings (out on the deck) and see such beauty and I breathe in the warm air and give thanks for such simple but profound experiences. The sun just came out from behind a cloud and highlights spots all over the garden. The sound of the fountain at the pond is just another reminder as well. In this moment I am at peace, in this moment life is bliss, in this moment I am god.

My eyes go to my veins but I can just admire their beauty, the amazing complexity of the human body and yes I am reminded of cancer and death but they seem so insignificant in the glory of this awareness. In the distance I do still feel sad and I will have to cry those tears soon, my journey is not done and for now I think I may fall back into the illusion but I give thanks for this writing and that experience, because every time that happens the load gets lighter and I get stronger, bigger, and more POWERFUL!!!!!! Muahahahha.

The End.

Summer Days

2010-07-03T13:24:00.002-04:00

Slow....summer...days....

Seems I am experiencing a time of peace, in all aspects, and I am not sure to say thank you or to start digging. I think I will just let it be.

Not much to report, cancer cells have been beaten back to within normal ranges and I started taking a protein pill to stop cell growth...might work, might not :P

Posts will probably slow down and I think I might start formatting for the book. We shall see - only time will tell!

Enjoy the weather all :)

The Game Has Changed: TO WAR

2010-06-29T12:08:00.005-04:00

So, a few nights ago, I asked for the events that would trigger the next stage of this journey. Kinda just put it out there and went to sleep. Ooops. Then I went to the hospital. As you may know I was on the take-home chemo pills called hydroxy and everything seemed to be going just fine. Actually, the way it turned out I had lowish Hemoglobin when I started the Hydroxy, and I had to wait 4 days till the next appt (Stupid G20) MAN I WAS TIRED.

So I am impatiently waiting for my blood transfusions and 3 hrs later they tell me its there, along with platelets and CHEMO. I say "chemo?" and she tells me the white count is at 220!! (norm 3-11) But then I enter a state of disbelieve becaues NOTHING is swollen like last time. Lymph nodes are good, no pains, spleen is fine. So the nurses are all confused and order a redraw and I say call Dr. Minden.

He comes in with a concerned look and I say "numbers are spreading lies again" and he shows me the counts again. What has happened he said is that the disease has mutated once again. The cells are just thickening my blood. This is very dangerous if left alone because it can cause brain bleeds, clots, and a whole slew of shit I dont even want to mention. So they gave me some heavier chemo to bring the 220 down and I still get to remain an outpatient. They will just monitor me closely.

So I cried and cried part of me wailing between sobs "It's too much, It's too much..." After about 10 minutes I centered myself and went back to trying to trust in the process. My mind flirting behind is this the next stage or is it all just hubub and I am screwed. Stupid brains. Luckily my Brother david was there to hug and hold me through this, what an amazing guy, couldn't have asked for a better brother. I felt normal for the rest of the day and today. Last night I drank so much water I craved it and it was delicious, it was my God that night. Fucking chemo. At least I tolerate these two very well...

On a funny side note, I was at home for the weekend and I "accidentally" put my cat in a dutch oven :) (that is where you fart under blankets and the smell is contained.)

So I pray that these chemos do their job, and well, pray too for me. I am walking on the edge of a god damn knife here. I asked for an emergency poem from Cynthia, I will leave it for you to read. It turns out there's a lot more to be done, ARG FUCK BALLS GOD DAMNIT SHIT SHIT SHIT FML and blissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

The poem is really interesting and really a huge eye opener to how much more work this is really going to take. GOD DAMNIT. Ok I will shutup in a second, just one more thing, this poem actuallly uses the battle metaphor with cancer. I thought that totally opposite to how this works, but I like it. IT'S GOD DAMN BATTLE TIME BITCHES.

for Nic

REBORN June 28 10

Dear One
What we want to share with you now
is not easy for our human understanding
to accept
but it is indeed
a key to freedom

You are presently deeply engaged
in a battle for your life
against an unseen assailant
This plague comes upon you
with stealth
insidiously from within
and yet it takes hold
of every aspect of life
threatening to change everything
take away everything
and rob you of all joy

The medical defense
is as agonizing
as the attack itself
and you feel as if you have been asked
to give away so many pieces of yourself
it is unimaginable
that there is no tangible reward
for this process
that you are not given news
of respite
of a rest from this incessant
bad dream

You reach within yourself
with the courage of a warrior
no longer planning
but simply acting out the passion
of the moment
and this trust
this surrender to vulnerability
is extraordinarily beautiful

And yes there is clarity
yes there is a rich wisdom
but there is also fear
sweet angel
as there would be
in any man

You are one who leaps
off the canyon lip into nothingness
believing completely that he will soar
and yet
still dreams of being caught
and held safely in loving arms
You are one who has opened his heart
to the truth of giving up all
at the same time
as you want everything
you have every imagined

You are perfection
in these very contradictions
but what we ask you to understand
is that there is a larger picture
a greater process
even than what you have seen
and it is nothing less
than a rebirth
a new creation altogether
of the old Self
to the new

You do see
the beginning of this transformation
and it does give you hope
and joy
But know that there is so much more
that awaits
and you can do this
you are doing this
no matter what the expression
of this disease
in your body

Another way of saying this
is that you are being reborn
and that this process
is not reflected in the simple paradigm
of illness and health
It is not a question
of the mind healing
and then the body becoming well
Such a perspective is vastly limited
compared to the intricate dimensions
of your soul journey at this time

Of course
you want to be well
Of course
you have times of immense grief
that your body seems to fail you
when your heart
is trying so hard
Of course you are angry
at the great unfairness of this experience
not only for yourself
but for those who love you so

And have you noticed the love
that surrounds you at all times?
Are you aware of the light you emanate
and the beautiful hearts that are entwined
with yours?
This is the substance of your empowerment right now
for it is the heart
that is being healed
in these times
and in this immense and profound task
the cancer is in fact
your ally

We do not ask you
to give up the fight
for every expression of your worth
your deserving
your desire for joy
is a moment of nourishment
for your cause
But we ask you to reach toward surrender
even as you continue the battle
for this is the prize
this is the chalice
this is the Golden Fleece

Be free first
beautiful heart
and then all
will be well.

Me Papa

2010-06-26T21:37:00.002-04:00

Well I couldn't let my mom get all the attention now could I? I gotta say when it comes to families, I chose the best. We were always you know, not rich, middle class family but they sent me to a private school that cost 8-12k a year or something rediculous because my parents did not like the standard school system. We could barely afford it but I went through all 12 years. It was a Waldorf school if you are interested and I really loved my education there.

Anyway, back to my family being so great...I have 3 siblings, aged 21, 19, and 14. Recently on my rampage to find fuel to clear grief I have been doing a meditation or visualization of one of them dying. Ohhhh man that triggers the tears! It is kind of like this ancient tibetan meditation where you imagine life without a limb. Then you move on to the next limb. This increases your gratitude and appreciation for what you have, what you take for granted! Similarly I have been told I need to clear this attachment to them, to protecting them, because the truth is you really can't save anyone. Now this is really damn hard lol. Holy shit I have strayed. That is just a little update from my life I suppose.

My dad was 25 when I was born - my mom 29. Young fathers ROCK! We formed such a bond right away. I would be at home with my Mom all day then he would come home and we would play and play. Good times. As I grew up my dad was the envy of all the kids because he would always be playing with us. He was the volleyball coach in Gr 7-8. So yea he just always had this youthfulnness, playfulness and gentleness.

When my mom died it hit him really hard because he witnessed his father get shot at the age of 7. His whole world was turned upside down and he lived a very difficult childhood moving from family to family, some of them being abusive, and he was educated by nuns (gross). Actually a lot of kids from his generation had it crazy hard. Some of the stories I have heard is just wow. That is why so many parents now give their kids the best childhoods, as secure as possible, etc etc. Thus the stay-at-home till 30 generation was birthed, lollers!

My dad is also very spiritual like the rest of the family. He became a great healer and reciever of transmissions. All the stuff he recieved was BANG ON. People still refer to his work years after it was recieved. When my mom died he went through a bit of a spiritual crises so to say. He stopped healing work, stopped the readings, and I donno if he lost faith in the clearing process too. Recently though he has been doing so great, I asked him for a healing session and it was the first in 3 years. He is a powerful soul. Very much in tune with the higher realms.

It is getting late and I need my rest I will add more soon!

Me Mama

2010-06-24T19:07:00.004-04:00

My mom was no ordinary mom. Well she was for the first 14 years of my life. Then she went through a seperation with my dad that totally changed her world and she grew and learned a lot from that tough experience. She lived what she taught, the main thing being "Healing Through Crises". She was the first person to believe in Cynthia and her received poems and she was there from the start. She had an incredible ability to quote any poem out of thousands because she would be the transcriber of the poems.

Many mornings I woke up to find her on my computer transcribing in the dark room with just the monitor glow on her face. She seemed to get younger and younger every day with the work she was doing. She helped so many people and was fearless in sharing her "wonky" beliefs with anyone she met. We had such good walks together. At the time I was heavily addicted to computer games and I missed so much of her. That and she was often out and about - never in the kitchen! - with Cyn, taking care of those in crises and working through their own. But on our walks I could talk freely about spirituality and she learned me everything I know now.

My mom loved all her children unconditionally, for who we all were. Even as afraid as we were of the world she just continued to love us all so much. Man, I am crying buckets writing this but that was my intent. I was stuck in a fucking video game for so long while she was around and then one day she left.

It was so sudden, so unexpected, she was in good health as far as we could tell...I awoke that morning to see her on my comp, soft glow on her face, looking young as ever, and transcribing a reading that had been recorded for her. I went upstairs to take a bath. In the bath I heard muffled yelling coming from the basement (my room at the time). My brother in law, Travis, who my mom took in with such open arms and they quickly became quite bonded, was yelling something about choking. I hopped out of the bath and put a towel on around my waist. Robert ran up and said "mom is choking" and Travis passed me the phone and I punched in 911.

I wasn't ready for what I saw next. My mom had fallen from the computer chair and onto the floor and was trying to breathe. I somehow managed to keep my cool and followed the police woman's instructions. She had me do CPR and check the throat for any blockages. Sticking your two big fingers down your mom's throat is an interesting experience...

About 7 minutes went by with me trying to resuscitate my mom and then the paramedics got there and took over. At this point the towel I had was kind of falling off so I went upstairs and put some clothes on. Then it hit me, the realization that what was actually going on was real. I met my sister Liz in the hallway and we hugged and both started crying.

The paramedics, having stabilized her, got her up and out of the basement and into the ambulance. It was out of our hands now, out of our house. Cynthia and some other friends rushed in and consoled us. All we could do was wait. Some dickweed officer was asking us questions without any feeling or sentiment, and he got yelled at by one of our friends (haha, go Penny!). So another nicer officer came in to ask the followup questions.

About 20 minutes later we got a phonecall from a friend who was with my mom. I will never forget the look on my dad's face when he heard what he did. An instant expression of the utmost sadness and then he blurted out "she's dead, she's dead". Everyone started crying, so much shock and tears. Then everyone in the house all went off to grieve in seperate areas. I went down to my room and smashed shit around threw a chair. There is crying and then there is grief-crying and man you can't help but wail and moan. When I was somewhat calmer I cleaned up the jewelry and shirts my mom was wearing which they cut off. There was also some white foam that I cleaned amidst so much crying and just "WHY".

Everyone knew she was doing the work, the spiritual tasks asked of her, and leading by example. Why would she leave? The reason was later revealed but at the time it was so maddening. My faith took a big hit. But then I looked at the comp I shit you not, the place where she was writing went like this "....For one whos time has come.../////////ffffffddddddddddddddddd". The document is somewhere on a backup CD that I have to find.

We went to see her at the hospital. There she was, her body, the shell, empty now...her poor dad and some other friends were there. I put my hand on her cold hand and kissed her forehead then left. The worst part about losing someone is that you can't physically be with them, hold them, hug them. All I wanted was just to hug her like the previous night. We actually had a little bit of a good bye. I was on my computer and she was doing laundry and I turned to her and said "mom, i am sorry if i have been ignoring you recently" she stopped going up the stairs and came to stand infront of me. She said something like "I will always love you nomatter what" that was who she was and then we hugged a long hug, a good hug, one I still remember. Then I woke up to see her on my comp soft monitor glow on her face looking younger every day...

I have been shown...

2010-06-24T16:25:00.005-04:00

Oh boy oh boy, the other night I think I talked with the archangel Michael and then my mom...can't remember shit though...maybe it's the drugs.

The drugs....Yea I started the chemo pill today. I kind of scared Dr. Minden because I wanted to see how I could influence the progress of cancer without chemo. I concluded that I have indeed slowed down its progress but I ate too much whiteflower for there to be total stoppage / slower progress. I am very curious to see what would happen if I was to go on a very strict vegetable soup or salad diet. Cancer needs very specific conditions to grow. Ah, im probably way too acidic to try it now. So anyway, Dr. Minden walks into our meeting thinking that I have been on the pill (lawl) and the white count still shot up and he was VERY relieved to find out I hadn't started yet. While other doctors might have got mad or scolded me he just laughed and upped the chemo dose, lol.

He and I both know that chemo really isn't going to do anything so the plan is to keep me on this one pill that keeps the white blood cells (the ones that are exploding right now) down to a controllable level and then run some other techniques, clinical trials, whatever. They took 3 vials of blood today to see what is triggering my cells to grow, so that hopefully they can produce a very specific med to stop that action. Perhaps this is one way cancer care will go. It is all very exciting and cutting edge!

As you know I have been pondering to myself what the hell the spiritual reason is behind the cancer still being present. Two nights ago I was shown. GRIEF. I was lying in bed with a vision of myself kind of on my last few minutes before dying, on our living room couch, all my loved ones around me sobbing, so much crying, so much love but way more sadness. So I started balling and then it hit me, I still have a lot of grief to release. In a past reading (1 on 1 session with Cyn) she said that I have this massive body of grief that hovers above me, accumulated through many lifetimes, and well a lot in this life time. It is the reason behind why I hunch over apparently, and recently I have been hunching over to the point of back pains. Last night I stretched my back out on the floor and put my legs on the bed, it was soooooo fucking nice.

So I mean it shouldnt be hard to move this grief, I have a lot of triggers (mom dead, grandma dead, my possible future death) and you know what the counter to grief is? Joy. Be in trust and be in joy. That is my quest for the next little while. Oh and to cry like a fucking baby until all this grief is gone. I thought it was gone TBH but I think it was just ignored.

Hey, funny story. I woke up with a bump on my ass cheek. I felt it, it was pretty hard and sore, so of course the human mind jumps to worst case scenerios and I think tumour. "Thats the last thing I need" as I get out of bed. I asked Minden about it at the end of our meeting and he touched my butt. LOL then he says, "its probably just a bruise" and then I kick myself. I was out playing soccer yesterday with the chaps (and soccer for me right now is kicking the ball a few times and then lying down in the grass). As I was laying down I might have sat on a stick or acorn or something. Isn't that the nature of life? You freak out with mind created illusions and then you find out everythings alllllllright.

Moved into Paradise but then Found Out A Nasty Secret...

2010-06-22T19:02:00.002-04:00

So last friday I got discharged and life has been pretty awesome, I gotta say. After a few days at home I moved in with my foster family and wow...what a beautiful home they have, in every way. The house itself has columns and a mural in the greek stlyle, lots of light, and lots of space. My room isn't too big but my bed is next to a window which lets the nice breezes and summer scents in. The best part is from my room I look onto the backyard. Now the backyard has a pond, with a fountain, OMG...the sound of lightly falling water 24/7 is sooooo nice. The backyard also has a beautiful deck with lots of comfy seating for us to laze about.

The family itself is very warm and caring. The mom is a pharmacist (I worked one of my first jobs at her pharmacy doing deliveries) so she takes care of teh drugs. It is truly nice to get a script and just hand it off to her without any worry. The dad is a computer programmer which turns out to be really sweet cuz I just bought a new comp and he showed me some neat tricks in setting it up. They are hungarian so they watch soccer every day and make hungarian food which I was raised on. Every meal I love. The kids are great, one is my age, one is in gr 11, and the youngest is in gr 4. His name is Adam, and he will not give me an inch of space. He is pretty excited to have me here, lawl.

I never even thought to ask for this kind of awesome setup, I didnt even dare consider it! Ugh that non-deserving? Or no, its a bit odd to ask for someone to take you in, I am glad they offered. I think on a subconscious level I did ask for this though, and they heard my call. So yea life has been pretty sweet.

Now, here comes the surprise, uhhhh drumroll....I STILL HAVE CANCER. Yea...first day back at hospital getting bloodwork done and white count was up at 30. Everything else progressing really well, except dem fucking white cells. I was actually suspiscous before leaving the hospital, because my white count jumped from 0.1 to .04 over night and it was too fast. Then they ordered a MUGA scan, which you usually do before chemo cuz it checks the strength of your heart, so I was puzzled. Turns out, they saw the blasts already when I was an inpatient! I guess they thought I might take it badly and they wanted me to have a happy discharge.

Now, here is the cool part, I didn't have any reaction except calm. I was a little surprised, because I thought this could only happen to someone with shit attitiude and no will to live (like that other guy). I also thought it was my fault - and this is DANGEROUS. I had been kind of eating a lot of sweets and uh frappucinos and whatnot kind of believing that I would be cancer free until well....a later date, after I had done a bunch of good work. But then I remembered, no, cancer was there already when I was inpatient. It is part of the process, trust, trust, trust, you just have more work to do. Never blame yourself. Way bigger forces at work.

Now in my case I lined up a few reasons why it is still here. 1) I am done soul growth and it is time to go (shens). 2) I still have more growth to experience (Hmmm, I donno, maybe). 3) I am meant to cure this cancer without chemotherapy (Now, wouldn't that be sexy).

So here are my options as laid out by Doctor Minden. First is heavy chemotherapy, just like the first round of ALL, which overall was pretty mild but involved those fucking steroids (prednizone) that make you depressed and make your face fat. YUCK. The next option kind of fell through already but there is a small possibility...uh, its a clinical trial testing a protein that tells cells to stop growing - like a gentle chemotherapy. I really liked the sound of this but when Minden went to page the lady running the study he found out it was shut down and the lady was sick somewhere on a train. Fuck. The third option is to stay on these chemo pills that just bring down your white count. So that is the option I am going with for now. At least to give me a break from the heavy shit.

Whatever the reason it is no random occurance. Remember when I said there was a 2-5% chance of this happening? Well it happened. Coincidence? Uh, no? I need more of lady cancer, so the dance will continue. Fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck ass fuck chemotherapy fuck. But yea...onwards.

The Power of Surrender

2010-06-19T14:25:00.006-04:00

One of the most important things about this spiritual approach to healing, to growth, to transformation, is to be able to surrender to what seems most horrible, most terrifying, and most dreaded! Well that's the extreme end of it. You must also be able to recognize and surrender to the little things as well. Let me explain.

Surrender walks hand in hand with trust; trust in life, trust in god, the universe, the powers that be, whatever. When I was first admitted to the hospital I swore to myself to accept and trust in what the doctors and experts say and do. Heh now look at me, telling doctors to shove their anti-fungals up their ass...oh well, what is important is that I had the attitude of allowance and surrender upon entering this mess. This may seem like common sense but I have seen some patients who put up a huge fuss, massive resistance, to medications, to water (funny story), to the scarier things like bone marrow aspirations and lumbar punctures.

The worst lumbar puncture I had I was in a state where I was like "is this really necessary - can't we just leave it at 3 LPs and not do a 4th?" and holy shit did it go wrong. He stabbed me 3-4 times and missed until the last one. The numbing agent wore off around the 2nd poke, I had spine pain for a few months afterwards.

You see, when you meet anything with resistance, it puts a signal out that you are not fully open and trusting in life. And then life slaps you on the wrist, repeatedly, and in relation to how much you are resisting. As you know, my most recent LP went incredibly well, almost unnoticable, because even though in the back of my mind I knew it to be unnecessary (they do it just to cover all their bases and make sure nothing is hiding out in the spinal column by injecting a little chemo in thar), I allowed it, I surrendered to their judgement.

Now of course dont be a fucking limp noodle / doormat to everyone's will. When you are aware enough you will see when to surrender and when to make a stand. You will feel it. You will know. That's another great thing about growing on a soul level, you just begin to know things. People go to Eckhart Tolle's talks, the Dalai Lama's talks just to hear their words, not even to acknowledge them as words carrying meaning, just to hear them. This is because they come from a place of knowing, a place of such truth, and people will resonate with just that alone.

Actually let me leave you with a story of surrender found in Tolle's book The Power of Now (or maybe it was A New Earth, fuck I read them too long ago):

There was a Zen Master who was very pure and very enlightened. Near the place where he lived there happened to be a local food stand. The owner of the local food stand had a beautiful unmarried daughter. One day she became pregnant and soon gave birth to a little boy. Her parents became enraged. They wanted to know who the father was, but she would not give them his name. After repeated scolding and harassment, she gave up and told them it was the Zen Master living near them. The parents believed her. When the child was born they ran to the Zen Master, scolding him with foul tongue, and then left the baby boy with him. The Zen Master said, “Is that so” and this was his only comment.

He accepted the child. He started nourishing and taking care of the boy. By this time his reputation had come to an end, and he was the object of mockery. Days ran into weeks, weeks into months and months into years. The young girl was tortured by her conscience. One day she finally disclosed to her parents the name of the child’s real father, a man who worked in a fish market nearby. The parents again became enraged. At the same time, sorrow and humiliation tortured the household. They came running to the spiritual Master, begged his pardon, narrated the whole story and then took the child back. The Zen Master’s only comment was: “Is that so” and gave back the child willingly.

This rings true with Rumi's teaching of accepting disgrace and giving up your good name. Always loved that story. SO! work on your ability to surrender, actually I think I will add more to this post but right now I need a huge fucking burger. Bye for now!

addition: Some more examples of resistance. Ignoring how you feel when money does that thing when it runs out. If you ignore it, the fear of losing your house, survival fears, um all the stress from banks and bills breaking down your door....you will remain in that state of poverty for a long fucking time until the lesson is learnt. In this situation you gotta again feel these things in all their power, realize them to be illusionary, and tell them to bugger off by clearing them and replacing them with feelings of abundance, wealth, prosperity, and trust that you are always safe. You wont be thrown into the street to die. You wont starve to death. These are mind created fear-based jargon meant to stop you in your tracks.

Another example, seeing an opportunity to do something daring and then not acting on it. You are afraid to expose yourself, afraid to make a mistake. My friend kindly informed me that I dont properly punctuate a lot of my writing. For him its a big deal for me i dongiveashit. Although perhaps if I am to be published...ah fuck it.

Discharged, Baby.

2010-06-18T14:20:00.003-04:00

Let me just begin by saying I've already had two great bowel movements today. I got the boot today and I am now at home on our living room couch, mmmmmm home. We packed up all my shit (which was a lot) and got the fuck out of that place, fast. Actually we forgot my washroom stuff, oh well, some cleaning lady can take it home or throw it out or get totally raunchy with it.

Heh, the doctor Andre, actually its Andrez I think, hes polish and he gave me some polish sausage as a good-bye gift. What a great guy. Me, being half hungarian, have a well established appreciation for good sausage. My grandfather always asks while laughing "YOU LIKE DE SAUSAGE?" and we awkwardly and sheepishly have to reply "yes". He's always frustrated with the lack of girlfriends. He was once quite the ladies man himself. Still is in that creepy 80 yr old kind of way...

I got a great spiritually inclined post coming up that will hint at the title of my book. So stay tuned ima get my bro to massage the shit outta my back cuz he's got magic hands like that. (He doesn't know it yet but he's about to read this, lawl.) Everyone stay cool on these hot summer days and indulge in all good things as much as you can cuz you deserve it.

Much Love.

Vampires and Werewolves

2010-06-17T08:46:00.002-04:00

You know, I bet the idea for Dracula came from Leukemia. I can see Bram Stoker standing over a Leukemic patient back in the 19th century, and seeing how pale they looked and then how much stronger they would become with each transfusion of blood. Of course back then they didn't have a concept of cancer so they must have thought the blood was leaving somehow. Well whatever vampires have all become fucked anyway. The original Dracula was an actual monster, he is scary, I was scared reading the book, and that is rare. Nowadays we have vampire diaries where the vampires are all pretty boys who cant keep away from highschool girls and then we have Twilight. I can't even comment on that one. True Blood does a pretty good job of staying true to Vampirism (really like what they did with the vampire hiararchy) but theres still the whole Bill-SOOKEH romance. Oh well you gotta have SOME love interest, right?

I also got to see the movie Wolfman last weekend and I really enjoyed it. Anthony Hopkins is always a spectacle, and Benicio makes a great monsta. What really interested me here though is the full moon. "She exerts such power", Anthony says at one point. And truthfully, she really does. The roughest, toughest, scariest episode of this treatment round was during the full moon. I had a very high, mysterious fever, I was having horrible nightmares - the worst of my life - whenever I slept. And I would wake up to see the giant moon staring me in the face. One night it's top half was covered by a cloud and it had that yellow tinge so what I was left with was a huge cat eye staring me down...it was quite wild.

Souls that are more sensitive will feel the moon's effects at a greater level. Those who are less sensitive might just have a bad day where a lot of shit goes wrong. Car troubles is a big one. I for one wish to be put into a medically induced coma next time it starts to get full. But I mean, it does just bring us what we need. I was able to move a whole lot of fear last time.

Oh yea, in other news, the headache I was still dealing with from the anti-fungal has been healed by Cynthia's magic hands. I am so lucky to know the people I know. When I open my own healing center for cancer patients it is going to be packed full of massage therapists and hands on healers. Might even throw some shamans into the mix. And werewolves. You always need werewolves. Fuck vampires though, they had their chance, and they whored themselves out!

My Little Sister

2010-06-15T18:22:00.007-04:00

Siblings are great. I am fortunate enough to have three. Two brothers and a sister. She is the second born, now at 21 years old (legal drinking age in America, boo ya). My sister has the same wisdom and spiritual knowledge as me but she is far more clairvoyant. She is a seer and has the most incredible dreams. She dreamt that I would find the cure for cancer! She has also always been the wild one of the family. She got married at the age of 16 to a man she met through a star wars game. They are truly soul mates and it's incredible how they found eachother. He is american though so she had to get her green card and they live in Buffalo (I know, ew) to be close to us here in Toronto.

It was recently her birthday, June 10th actually, and she requested a poem from our mom, who as you may know passed away 3 years ago. Cynthia can channel anyone from jesus christ to the cat you owned 10 years ago. Animal poems are always hilarious it's really funny to see their attitudes come through in writing. We have this cat, Muffin, who pretty much behaves like a queen, she dominates the household and only barely allows my cat, Rascal, to live in our house. When we got a poem from her she acted exactly as she behaved, full of pomp and royalty and sass. She actually flirted with the guys of the family! She loves and craves attention and sometimes it can be really maddenning lol.

Wow talk about maddenning I cannot for the life of me copy this poem over. Fuck you adobe reader and your stupid formats, what a shit program. Arg ANGRY NIC. I tell it to save a copy as plain text and it fucking brings out some alien language jibberish. What fucking monkey programmed this garbage? Updating the bloody thing...

Ok finally, here is the transmission (It seems the beings of the angelic realm are quite pleased with my work!) have a look:

MOTHER-LOVE June 13 10
Oh sweetheart
so many aches and pains lately
so many ways the body complains
and says no
don’t like this
don’t want this
don’t want to be here
right now
And when these days come
I know there’s a part of you
that feels so very small
and would give anything
to have my arms around you again
And in those moments
sometimes
there’s a voice in you that says
come on
you’re all grown up now
no excuse

A young woman should be able
to manage these things better
and isn’t it time
for the vulnerability to stop
so you can walk
in a woman’s shoes
all day long?

But why don’t we just
tell that voice to hush for awhile
and let the little girl speak
the way she needs to
because the truth is
we never stop needing a mother
no matter how old we get
and no matter how distant
our mother’s arms

Perhaps it’s the legacy
of the paternal religions
but the fact is
Spirit is our Mother
always has been
and it’s her we miss
when we feel alone
it’s her lap we want to crawl onto
it’s her voice we want to hear
singing a sweet song
and it’s her warm bosom
where we want to rest our head
not against the muscle and bone
and scratchy beard
of the Father
that can all be saved
for another time

So for starters
you go right ahead
and miss me
and wish for me
and remember me
and don’t feel bad about it
in any way, ever
because it’s just your heart’s way
of reaching for me angel
and I love to feel you
wanting me
just like I reach for you
every day
We have these mistaken ideas
about growing up
that somehow it will make things easier
because we will feel less vulnerable
and we’ll be automatically stronger
because our body is taller
older
more mature

The truth is
vulnerability ebbs and flows
like a tide
throughout our lives
and yes
there are certain blessings
about not being small any more
but the fact is
it can be extra scary to find yourself
in an adult body
with adult responsibilities
too old to be looked after
but too young to have it figured out yet
and all the while people look at you
and treat you like you should have it all together
so it becomes even harder
to admit to one’s own fragility
after awhile

But that is the greatest mistake
anyone can make
although so many people do
because it’s when we start to shut down
our honest and child-like admissions
of not knowing
not being sure
feeling afraid and overwhelmed
that we also shut down our light
because you can’t hide your fear
without hiding your joy
that’s just the way it works
something I know
you already know

Imagine a world
where all the grown ups
let themselves be child-like
when they needed to
and I don’t mean child-ish
cause there’s a difference
between the two
Child-ish is what grownups act
when they are not allowed to reveal
their actual child-like natures
because in truth
the only path toward real maturity
is that of the child
full of wonder
reverence
playfulness
and unabashed Mother-love
It’s childish to deny
our vulnerable hearts
it’s childish to be afraid
of the child within
and so you must promise me
that you will never stop playing
never censor that incredible
child-like laugh of yours
and the matching smile that lights up the room

You see it warms my heart
to know that you can be you
in any situation
because that means you feel safe enough
in the world to do so
safe in your pretty women’s shoes
safe in your skin

So now we’ve settled that
I want to tell you
how proud I am of you
stepping out into the world
because I know
more than anyone
just what it takes for you
to get through each day sometimes
but isn’t it better sweetheart
isn’t it better in so many ways
than it used to be
to have found the answer
that once you see yourself
as belonging in the world
suddenly the world starts to see you too
and instead of dangers
there are possibilities all around you
instead of strangers
all different kinds of friends
I’ve watched you starting to try on
that gorgeous flamboyance you had
when you first stepped into womanhood
I’ve watched it return
and smiled at how much
you remind me of me sometimes
when I was younger
so shy inside
and such a hotty outside
and isn’t it fun
to turn heads again
isn’t it good to not be afraid to be noticed
for the beautiful creature that you are?

And part of it is
that you are letting your grief move in a new way
it’s been long enough since our parting
that you are more brave about looking at the layers
than ever before
and of course you have to be
don’t you
because Nick needs you
needs your honesty
your open heart
your readiness to know
that you can be there for him
without it being a brave face
it’s just your face
the real face
that is so lovely before the world

And I’m watching how the two of you
connect
as his journey amazes you
scares you
terrifies you sometimes
cause even though you know
that what he is doing is growing
growing taller than ever before
you would have picked any, any other way
for him to do it
we all would
and yet
he is on his chosen path
and it is up to us to honour it
all the while observing where we go in our own hearts
in understanding the ongoing suffering of one
who seems to deserve an end to it
more than any soul in the world
and yet he is doing what he needs to do
he is walking with the grace
that is the whole lesson
we are here to learn
It is so easy to accuse ourselves
because we still have fear
when we try so hard
to face it every day
but this is the meaning
of these times
and the ascension that we read and talk about
It’s all found in the process of facing our fear
and how can we
unless it’s in our face
unless it growls in our ear
first thing in the morning
and waits in the belly at night
when we try to sleep

So that fear of yours is becoming
the companion that you always knew it could be
clear and helpful
more than ever before
so that your wisdom will have its chance
to rise above and elevate you
and from this place
take hold of your power
to shine the light of who you are
further and further
all around you every day
so that no one who even passes you on the street
will miss it
so bright will it be
and so true

Remember
you are moving toward
a kind of integration
between the spirit you know so well
and the physical self that is your home
not just because you need to
to feel better, stronger, happier
but because your willingness to be fully present
is your gift to the rising vibrations
of the planet right now

You are needed angel
right where you are
and the more you can sink into your Self
the greater the gift you give to the whole
by adding your essence
to the collective consciousness
that is brewing on the planet
in these powerful days

You can think of it
as a gift to Nick
and to me
to stand more fully in your own joy
than ever before
because your strength
is the strength of All
and as Nick teaches you
you teach Nick
and so on
round and round

Think of it this way
the more intense these days become
the closer you are to me
because this is the work
in which I am engaged
holding the net
that connects us
across oceans
between hearts
from solar system to solar system
until we all join in one breath
and the struggles of our human days
fall away
like the stories they are
and we can see past them
and straight into the bliss of our love
just like me holding you in my arms
each and every day
I am with you always, darling child
I am with our whole family
and there is a sweetness to our togetherness
that surpasses anything we have known before
and it is not despite the pain
it is because of it
that we taste every day
every moment
with gratitude for the richness
of our family’s world
We have far to travel together
my precious girl
have no doubt

I am still the Mother
and always will be
so let yourself feel
the eternity
of my Love

If you are interested in getting a poem you can reach Cynthia at forangelsrent@sympatico.ca If you ever are to meet an angel in this life she is the closest thing to an angelic being as you can get. Actually her core pattern is she was literally a guardian angel in charge of protecting a group of young souls and she failed in her task. So it is funny in this life she is always surrounded by children who are kind of lost, poor, misguided but beautiful.

I hope you enjoyed this poem. Even though they are for one person they hold wisdom for all. It is the coolest thing to get your own and to even set up a session with Cyn where she channels right infront of you - it's truly amazing!

So they say I will be discharged by the end of the week at the latest. Im goin hoooome. What a period of transformation - it wasn't easy but the reward has been so worth it. Make cancer your ally and embrace your godliness. If you can do this you will live in the bliss that is a soul at it's fullest potential. Fuck this goes to EVERYONE not just cancer patients. Do it, I command it. That is all for now!

Jesus Christ and Rumi

2010-06-15T09:05:00.006-04:00

Dear Readers,

Once again I ask you to open your minds. I wish to talk briefly on energy healing and especially the laying on of hands, or "hands on work". Back in the 70's they actually trained nurses in energy healing, a technique called "Therapeutic Touch". It is a shame that we lost touch (excuse the pun) with that. You should not underestimate the power of energy healing.

I am still dealing with the damage that anti-fungal caused to my body. As you know it attacked my back muscles and caused me pain on the right side of my brain above my eye. I have been lucky enough to have had some great massages. Doctor Andre, the staff oncologist who I wrote about in my farewell post, gave me a great massage haha. He also informed me that we have two ribs that are not part of the rib cage but actually run up along either side of the spine. As skinny as I am I can feel them, cord-like, and if I massage them it instantly relieves the pains in my back.

But what I wanted to get at was my friend Cynthia, the powerful intuitive I have told you about, also practices energy healing in the form of hands-on. My back muscles were aching so she went to work. Placing one hand on my front and one on the back right on the muscle she got to healing and right away I could feel the warmth. The heat generated by the healing energies is indication that work is indeed being done. Wow it got hot and Cyn said she could feel the negative energy draining first out the front then it switched to exiting out my back. About 20 minutes of this and my back was pain free and has remained so ever since. There was no change in any prescription, and I didn't start taking pain killers.

This is the stuff of "miracles". Jesus was so in tune with his own godliness that he could lay on hands and instantly cure the sick. Now the truth is you can never save anyone, you can only show them the way to their healing, they have to walk the path. But if a soul feels it's time to heal and there happens to be a healer nearby then indeed the miraculous can occur. Jesus was an incredible man, he was born to show us the truth of who we are, and indeed he succeeded in spreading a powerful message. Alas the fears and greed of man, of the church, corrupted his original teachings and message for their own purposes. When humans are able to debate and change religion as they see fit (including the exclusion of so many gospels) it makes you wonder about the legitimacy of the original message. Worst case of broken telephone ever. I don't mean to knock christianity though, yes its corrupted, but many martyrs have died with smiles on their faces, indeed one can still reach enlightenment through any of the world religions.

I think we have established that cancer is largely energetic. I saw a healer a little while ago. He was trained in naturopathy, shamanism, ayurvadic medicine and a whole slew of other healing arts. Hes kind of insane and very ungrounded but very powerful. He can take one look at you and tell you where you need help. For example, he said my gallbladder was suffering and that I should stop eating chips (hydrogenated oils). He also said my will to live was at about 45 / 100 when the average human is at 65% - only gurus are up at around 85%. At the time he told me he was right. I was pretty down.

Now, I tell you about this guy because he understands that everything is energy vibrating at different frequencies. He asked me what he could do for me and I didn't even think he could do anything about my Leukemia. But he informed me that a sad and lonely spirit had entered my body and had caused the cancer. So we performed the "exorcism" and it was really quite a cool experience because I could feel this sad spirit actually being removed. The process involved finding a powerful source of love and using that love to purge the spirit. I accessed my mom's love and it was easy enough. He claimed the leukemia was gone. But this is where he was wrong or at least could not see that I needed more cancer. Perhaps this spirit re-entered my body but I doubt it. Do be careful with which healers you choose to see. Most of them are excellent and powerful but some of them are frauds and liers. Go off recommendations is my advice.

You probably think I am insane now but I always say embrace madness! Actually this was the teaching of a sufi mystic from the 12th century called Rumi. This guy was so ahead of his time it's crazy. He speaks of spirituality that humanity is only now understanding. He wrote a few books full of poems and incredibly wise teachings. And hes a total lunatic, its awesome. I will leave you with a quote from Rumi that I love:

Conventional opinion is the ruin of our souls,
something borrowed which we mistake as our own.
Ignorance is better than this; clutch at madness instead.
...Always run from what seems to benefit your self:
sip the poison and spill the water of life.
Revile those who flatter you;
lend both interest and principle to the poor.
Let security go and be at home amid dangers.
Leave your good name behind and accept disgrace.
I have lived with cautious thinking;
Now I'll make myself mad.

p.s. Raiki healing is also incredibly powerful and quite popular and if you can find a master it can be performed over long distances. It is also an easy thing to pick up yourself.

p.p.s Oh and I forgot to mention, anyone can do hands on work. All you need is love and the intention to heal. Apply your hands to the place of wounding and send your love, your warmth, and colourful healing energies to that spot. You will probably feel the heat soon and you will notice that it is more than just body warmth. Also you will need to direct the negative energies down into the ground, it is important not to absorb them or leave them hanging in the open.

This and That

2010-06-14T08:11:00.003-04:00

This next blog post doesn't really have a direction. Actually I think one is coming to me. Let's see what comes about. I had a great weekend at home. Played PS3 with my bros, ate good food, and went to see Robin Hood, which is my new favorite movie, IT WAS INCREDIBLE. It was like Gladiator set in the Middle Ages. I highly recommend it. But I am one who would love anything medieval.

Well fuck, I am too weak to open this little package of cereal and I just busted the plastic knife they gave me. Oh and it just went everywhere. Great. You know whats fucked up? I am 6'3 and I weigh 120 lbs. Fully muscled and fattened I am easily 200 lbs. I am a god damn bag of bones. Whatever, lying in bed all day is too fun.

Anyway, I didn't come back to the hospital on saturday night, because I really didn't need to. All they needed to give me was a magnesium bolis and I knew, from the BMT, that I can just take two 250mg magnesium pills, so I did. I get a call on sunday from a distressed nurse, saying that I pissed off the doctor and that I have to come in right away. I told her why I stayed at home and then I tried to reason with her. There really was no good reason for me to go in and she knew it. I said "why should I come in? So you can breathe on me?" I bet they just wanted me to play more funky tunes. Oh yea my neighbour went home yesterday so I have been using my ipod dock to its fullest. Nurses boogy down in their station, its good times.

Which brings me to the purpose of this post. Uh, relationships. Most young adult patients I meet have never been in a relationship. The ones that are in relationships I usually see no flame, no spark, nothing. They are sexually shut down. I was the same, well, I wasnt shut down, infact I was quite the horny bastard, but I wouldn't dare approach a girl and entertain the idea that she would actually want to date / fuck me. I turned to porn to keep my lust in check, I know - yuck.

That has all changed now though. It seems in my growth I have found myself to indeed be worthy of a relationship and the intimacy issues around sex have blown away. I actually just asked my friend out for a wedding I have in august and she said "Are you kidding me? Of course!!!" She is so beautiful, a true gem, and she teaches tai chi and yoga, I am gonna be the proudest man. Funny thing is she has a boyfriend who is a fucking sensei and owns his own dojo. I best tread softly because that man could probably punch my head off. Haha no, hes a good guy...I hope.

But uhhhh yea if you shut down your sexuality you lose the most vital life force energy, your passion centre, your source for anger, pleasure, animal lust, your horndoginess. Cancer couldn't be happier with all that powerful energy trapped away. So, how to remedy this: Hmmm, dance. Shake your booty, touch yourself, sex yourself, get in touch with that flame. Women might wanna take a hot bath and pleasure yourself with whatever toys you have. Feel that pleasure, let it overwhelm you. Men too, and for fucks sake pick up a book on tantric sex or anything on how to control your orgasm. The male orgasm was designed to end relationships.

Once you have reconnected with your sexuality not only will cancer lose it's power, you will start to attract mates. The universe will throw relationships at you left and right, and it is up to you to take action. Don't be afraid, they're just humans, and know that you deserve this, you deserve to get plowed. It's really all about self love. Love yourself and it will show.

I tried watching porn recently and it really did nothing for me. Part of me was like "fuck, chemo killed my libido" but then I fantasized about someone that wont be mentioned and bingo. So I was relieved to say the least. Oh and I guess I should say that if you are addicted to porn, as many sexless people are, and it's perfectly normal, but uh...stop if you can. You are wasting your sexual energy. If you stop you can let that energy build up, let the testostorone build up, and you will eventually become a sexual Tyrannosaur. Just don't rape anything, that's no laughing matter, unless you're raping a clown (tshirthell.com).

Guess i'll shutup now. Have a good day.

I am soon to be discharged so: A Fond Farewell

2010-06-12T11:52:00.003-04:00

Dear Staff of 15B,

I just wanted to express that it has been a most comfortable and enjoyable stay with all of you here at Princess Margaret. This is truly one of the world's leading centers on cancer care and research and it deserves the best of staff. That is exactly what it has. You are all angels, professionals, and you can really feel that you care. You don't have an easy job, you're exposed to death more than most, and you are always surrounded by sickness. That is why I like being young because I can at least offer a nice ass to look at and none of that dying business.

Andre, you are the Shahenshah of doctors, that is persian for "King of Kings". You understand the value of family, and you enjoy fine cold cuts. You always bring an air of comedy and fun wherever you go and this is a rare and powerful gift. Nurses love you, patients love you, and the place is never the same without you. You are a master of observation and you have the oncological experience of 10 lifetimes. You RULE and I believe I won't see you for a long time!

Some nurses were closer to me than others, sorry it's just the way it is!

Haroula, God thats a unique name and I don't think I'll ever get it right (I probably didn't even spell it right). I have always regarded you as one of the best nurses I have ever met. You have a confidence in what you do that is unmatched. When an inexperienced nurse would scare me with what could go wrong you would be there to assure me that it's all part of the process. That kind of assurance was invaluable to a scared cancer patient. You remind me of a Valkyrie from viking times. Valkyries are sort of mythical winged warrior women who would soar over battlefields and ferry souls to Valhalla. You will always be my Valkyrie and a friend when times get dark. Sorry for causing a ruckus I had to stick to my guns hehe.

Kimi, you are the essence of sweetness. I thank you for stopping in for our chats and for always being a smiling, warm face. That kind of thing brings goodness and healing to a soul. Keep shining your light on all the patients that enter your care. My wish for you is to find a man! You need to share that sexiness and you need to receive the love that you deserve. And you just got that new house to share!

Aida, oh Aida. You were there to see me at my lowest and I'm sorry I had to be that way. Relapse is the hardest thing and I was not in a good place. But you were there reminding me to keep my chin up. It took a little while to break down your shields but since then you have been the best of friends and a constant source of support. I thank you, I thank you, I thank you. Keep on being who you are, Lieutenant of 15B, shouting out your commands and unleashing your boisterous laugh.

Carol, I have to admit I had some beef with you at first. Your attitude and nagging rubbed me the wrong way. However, I feel that I got through to the real Carol and you are indeed a sweetheart who knows how to have fun. I am glad I got to see this Carol and I would recommend you lower that barrier and show the real you. Just for your information, when you're not feeling well and your energy is in the shitter, the LAST thing you want to do is clean up your room!

Mary, I think we really kicked it off this latest round, and I am so glad we did. You are one cool chick, and I mean, who else would wheelchair me down to indigo on their break? You are kind, highly intelligent, wise and compassionate. You will find yourself a great guy, have faith, and keep playing soccer.

The rest of you I get all your names mixed up, sorry. But you are all the best in your own way. I have had the pleasure of being here enough to see the real yous and truthfully you are all angels in disguise. Thank you for your care and I hope never to see any of you again.

I have become heavily involved with organizations like Young Adult Cancer Canada and I'm Too Young For This! I have been writing about my approach to cancer which is one of optimism, transformation, and turning crises into the greatest experience of your life. Cancer has been my greatest teacher, the growth I have experienced is HUGE, and I am truly a new man. I will devote my life to helping people with cancer for this is truly the most noble cause. Expect my book to be out soon and keep an eye on Oprah: I have big plans and big dreams and this is the way it should be.

Thank you and Much Love,

Nicolas J Bergeron

Titles Are Tricky...

2010-06-11T14:49:00.001-04:00

Dear Readers, I am in need of aide. I am in the process of getting my BLOG published and I need a Title!!! Truly this is a task for more than one mind. The title should be catchy with the young adult community and it should somehow involve the cure for cancer or you know...making cancer your greatest ally. You all read my work, you know my philosophies, lets get brain stormin!

Some of the ideas i've had are like "How to Make Cancer F*ck Off" and the kinda corny "Champions of Life". You see I need the help!

Please send your submissions to nicbooktitle@hotmail.com

The winnar will recieve 5 free books and one signed copy from yours truly! haha. Let the games begin!

Rebuilding A Body

2010-06-10T08:01:00.007-04:00

I would like to share with you now my experience in the rebuilding of your body after chemo. This was one of the first great lessons I learned from cancer: take care of your body!!!!! After my first remission I had lost 60 lbs but was still at pretty good energy levels. The first thing you do is walk. Walk, walk, walk, walk, and walk some more. Did you know that just 30 minutes of walking builds anti-cancer proteins? Walking is also gentle and most importantly it gives you cardio and regulates your digestive tract.

As your muscles strengthen and your energy increases you can start to jog or bike. I also recommend Tai Chi and Yoga as both bring many benefits and healing to the body. The human body is really incredible. It is designed to be effecient. Muscles have memory and when they are used they remember how they performed and the next time you use them they will work to outperform their last round. This is how and why you build muscle. It should be noted that muscles will take about three months to first strengthen then you will begin to see growth.

Once you are getting back up there with your strength and stamina I recommend picking up a book on fitness and looking at their exercises. They have lots of great programs for all the different body types and builds. For example one I picked up recommends boxing for upper body strength - I think I will persue this!

Now of course, there is much more to rebuilding than just strength. Chemo completely wipes out your digestive tract of all friendly bacteria. These bacteria are involved in the absorption of nutrients from food. To remedy this eat lots of good natural yogurt or take a more concentrated form of pill like Acidophilus which are packed with probiotics. If I ever open my own cancer center it will include a course of probiotics post treatment for sure.

It will also have FOOD that is GOOD and SUPPORTS the body!!!!!! Yes indeed, the doctors may tell you "eat what you want it doesnt matter" but they are wrrrroooooonnnng. Food has a huge effect on cancer. When I relapsed with ALL I said fuck this healthy diet and I drank a huge fucking frappocino from starbucks, wipped cream and all. My white cells fucking exploded. This most recent relapse I took a different approach and ate only healthy foods, the cancer cells still multiplied but a much slower and controlled rate. I bet, with the right cocktail of vegetables and spices you could even reverse the growth of cancer. Fruits and veggies have natural defenses built in to their genetic makeup because they cannot defend themselves otherwise. For example blueberries can cause apoptosis of cancer cells (that means cell suicide). Raspberries have the ability to control angiogenesis, the growth of blood vessels - essential to tumour growth. The spice Turmeric found in Curry is the most powerful anti-inflammatory known to man. Inflammation is what cancer thrives on and the biggest contributors to it are sugar, white flour, processed fats, and surprisingly dairy. You want to be as anti-inflammatory as you can get, so eat those veggies, choose fish over meat, whole grains over white flour, and soy over milk. Another huge, awesome, epic herb is of course Garlic - the king of herbs! I eat it raw sliced on toast. Garlic is an epic immune enhancer, blood cleanser, blood thinner, bacteria killing, anti-inflammatory and the list goes on.

Flushing out toxins is also crucial when you're rebuilding your body. You may consider a liver cleanse involving juiced carrots and beats. You also need to sauna, you need to sweat. Our skin holds a lot of toxins and the way to get them out is to sweat. Right now, with the amount of shit they're giving me, the anti-biotics and whatnot, my sweat smells like gasoline. Its truly unnatural. I cannot say how important it is to drink water, drink lots and lots of water. Always have a bottle with you. Water is the sustainer of life and the cleanser of organs, tissues, plasmas etc.

I really recommend the book Anti Cancer by David Servan-Schreiber. He has detailed charts and lots of research on anti-cancer foods and other methods such as meditation. I only touched on some of the foods that he talks about. He goes on about teas, spices, seaweeds, mushrooms, and so much more.

All that being said it is important to every once in a while indulge in a pleasure food, be it sugary, or packed with transfats or what have you. Life is meant to be enjoyed and you have a right to that enjoyment!

So that pretty much sums up my approach to rebuilding the physical body. I loved it, the power, the energy, you look great, you have improved confidence, and most importantly you feel awesome. I chowed down on many kale and spinach salads and I jogged 5km 3 times a week. Treat your body well and you will be most pleased with the results.

Check this out; before cancer and after pics. Quite the difference!

HOLY MOSES

2010-06-09T16:30:00.003-04:00

Check this video out. Talk about surrender, talk about fearlessness, absolutely incredible!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQITWbAaDx0&feature=related

(found by my awesome friend Saskia)

Dont forget to read my latest post too, its rich.

The Way I See It

2010-06-09T05:38:00.004-04:00

Spirituality is great. To have a deeply rooted set of beliefs is the best thing and greatest ally on an adventure with cancer. I would like to share my beliefs with you. Most of what I have learned came from a long time family friend and powerful intuitive, Cynthia. She is one of those rare people who can reach beyond the veil and bring back words, teachings, songs, and most importantly truth. Cynthia was my mom's best friend and my mom was my greatest spiritual teacher. She lived what she preached and she loved all her children unconditionally. She had such a big heart and was truly in tune with the work we are all here to do. I miss her so much at times, I let the grief well up and have the greatest cries. Crying has such a cleansing quality - I prescribe it to every patient I meet.

Basically this is it. You, me, everyone has a soul. Souls are immortal, powerful, they are a piece of the divine and the divine can be found in all life, we all know of the Oneness everyone talks about. Souls are vibrating at the highest frequency and are composed entirely of pure love. In fact, when you die, you are returning to this place of pureness, you are welcome back into the arms of love.

Souls love to learn. They love to grow. Before entering a human body they pick the challenges, the family they want to live with, and also the other souls they will interact with. So from this perspective, a young adult with cancer has picked a huge challenge which only means that their soul was ready to take it on. That is a noble thought, is it not?

The soul picks it's family and enters into the body of a newborn baby, screaming and grasping for air in the bright lights and loud noises which accompany childbirth. The baby is placed in the arms of the mother and that beautiful bond is formed. Already forces are at work. Perhaps the mother is hesitant about her ability to raise a child- fear arises - the baby will pick up on this and will have to confront issues associated with that. This is actually my case. My mom wasnt sure she would be able to raise me well, or if she was ready, and this imprinted on me, and I was always the perfect child, never angry, never naughty, and in my teens I would have an underlying feeling of non-deserving. It manifested physically in a blocked nose - I thought I didn't deserve to breathe. All this from one moment at childbirth!

I have since worked on my non-deserving "pattern". Patterns are the programmed responses a human will make based on the person they have become and the events that shaped them. In everyday life they define you. They make you predictable. I will talk more on patterns soon.

So here we have this planet, a place of learning, the truth - the light the love etc - kept hidden from our eyes. Every soul on it's own path. All souls interacting to bring eachother the events needed for growth. This is what they mean when they say there are no mistakes in life. It is all a huge, extremely complex, beautiful network of interactions. When I think about it, the amount of people on this planet, and all the preplanned events that are to occur precisely at the exact time it is needed - my mind truly gets boggled.

Are you still with me, reader? I know for many it is hard to pull away from the material world in all it's detail and emperical evidence. Many minds find safety in what they can prove, in what they can sense with their human mind. That is fine. I just offer a doorway into a broader reality. Mankind is evolving, the veil is SO thin right now. It is a very exciting time to be alive. 2012 will indeed be a time of huge transition. Many souls will head home with the events of natural disasters or warfare. We are approaching this day fast too...wow we're already almost halfway through 2010!

So, there is indeed work to be done! Patterns, remember those? They run deep and they have the power to halt your soul's progress. Patterns are usually fear based. By that I mean Lady X will always be afraid to talk publically because deep down she has been brainwashed to think she is dumb, that she has little to offer. Of course this is not truth! Lady X is a very very wise soul and has an important message to share with the world - it is what her soul wishes and desires. Another example of pattern is a man who turns to violence and abuse because he was probably abused as a child and feels that this is the appropriete response to any situation that might overwhelm him. Underlying his violence is a scared child, afraid of failure? his own potential? There are many factors involved. We also come with a "core pattern" this is like a huge traumatic event, which usually occured in a past life, but sticks to the soul, wait for the day to be released.

I had a core pattern reading done. My core pattern involves great sexual shame, which makes sense as to why I never took a relationship further than friendship. My story takes place in 19th century Ireland. I am a young man from a poor family. I fall in love with a rich girl and of course we are caught making out in her bedroom. The mother of the girl is in a rage! She accuses me of rape, the cops send dogs after me and arrest me right infront of my mother. What shame! So I am here to clear this pattern. I have lived many lives as a monk because of it.

Patterns take time to heal. The manner in which you heal a pattern is such: You feel the negative emotion it brings (be it shame, fear, non-deserving, fear of failure, etc) to it's fullest and then you let it go, you release, and replace that energy with that of love and compassion and forgiveness. It is simple and effective. Patterns are tough buggers though, often taking a lifetime to truly overcome.

I hope this post will be helpful to those who want clarity and something simple to believe in. Belief is your most powerful tool against cancer. Infact the cure for cancer will involve medicines of the future but more importantly the person needs to work with the cancer, achieve soul growth, and the cancer will back away. This has been my experience and I am ten times the man I used to be. Remember always that you are soul. You are divine, you are god (ahhh blasphemy!!) We are powerful creators, we can influence events on this earth. If you desire something, put it out to the universe, keep the faith, and you will be surprised at the results.

That is all.

Show all

Sorry pal, you messed with the wrong guy...

2010-06-07T23:56:00.007-04:00

Disclaimer: Trust your doctors and the drugs they give you, they are well trained. Unless of course you find them to be idiots, in which case take action, call to arms, prepare for battle.

Man oh man!! I knew this day would come. And I planned, I schemed, I giggled with glee. I have been hungering for a good fight and finally I got one. Who dares challenge the authority of a doctor??! Who dares deny a nurse???! ME - they asked for it and what they got they will not soon forget.

Sit back as I tell you a tale of battle, a tale of bravery, cunning, and sheer determination.

It all starts with this anti-fungal: a powerful drug that has been giving me a headache. I know its nastiness, I can sense it.

Enter nurse Stage Left:

shes a nice nurse, sweet hearted and all, sadly also a brain-washed buffoon. Shes my first target. I tell her I don't want the anti-fungal and I clamp the tube to stop the flow.
Nurse:"You cant stop this anti-fungal, its important, you need it"
Me: I can stop it, it is my right, I decide what goes into my body."
Nurse: "Uh you will have to bring this up with the doctor"
Me: I would love to talk to the doctor

She leaves in a bit of a tizzy. I wipe the blood from my sword and prepare for the next round.
It's the nurse again...lawls

Nurse: "You know this anti-fungal is only helping you"
Me: Is it? from what I can tell all its doing is causing me pain.
Nurse: "You should really take it, what if we keep the pain killers up, could we give to you then?
Me: You know it's really simple. All I ask is that we stop this one anti-fungal and I can have a nice chat with the doctor in the morning.
Nurse: Youre being a fool
Me: It is truly a shame that you are so brainwashed you lack the compassion to see this from my point of view.

Easy pickings, wheres a doctor? I need a challenge.
Nurse comes back
Me: "You dont even think im being a little brave?
Nurse: I think you are being immature, you know how much those bags cost, you know how many people want those drugs.
Me: My heart goes out to them
Nurse: I talked to the doctor - We can give you these painkillers for the medication but we're going to continue the anti fungal.
Me: The doctor doesn't want to talk?
Nurse: Uh shes busy with another patient.
Me: Indeed

So I go out into the hall looking for my cool nurse friend so I can maybe suggest a new nurse for this night, cuz I was pretty sure my current one wanted to poison me - oh yes thats right I forgot to tell you why.

She brings in the anti-fungal and starts the pump. Ah well played, nurse, but you cannot match my craftiness. I know a thing or two about pumps. I haul my IV pole into the bathroom. I take the drug, snarl at its ugly yellow color, and I drain the bitch. Right into the sink. I can smell its stench, its toxicity, its...humanity. I finish up and reattach the tube, set the pump back to normal, I write "SAY NO TO DRUGS" on the anti-fungal and lie back down.

Ho ho ho did that set them off. Nurse was ablaze, but I easily parried and countered her meager attempts to make me feel bad. I remained polite and friendly, probably just aggrivating the nurse even more.

I go for a walk, nurses try to scare me with horror stories of fungus fungals. heh "fun gals" I like that. A mushroom walks into a bar and turns to a hottie "hey sugar wanna date? Ima "Fungi" oohhhh snap. I know that once my immune system rolls in it will wipe out whatever little bugs are growing. I know I am not here to die to some little fungus, I know that I am more powerful than any little bug of the body. Anyway it seems that I have annoyed the doctor enough to take her away from her "emergency".

God what a bitch. Whatever I like a good fight. This doctor wont stop saying "You dont want this drug? Then why are you here". I sigh and sigh again and answer in plain english "because I need the treatment. I am turning down one drug for one night. I dont mean to offend you or anyone. Again and again she asks these dumb questions. She tries to scare me into it, sorry babe, I put up shields against that shit ages ago. So we continue our useless skirmishing. She leaves in a hissie saying something about putting something down in my chart. Whatever bitch, you're lucky I dont report your ass to the ministry of health for breaking the hippocratic oath and knowingly causing a patient pain. Ill spare her life. I am merciful.

So that is my story of battle. I think I am being very brave for standing up to the system. I am proud of myself, I am in love with myself, I am achieving godliness every day.

I wipe the blood from my blade and leave the battle for another day...

Importance of Music

2010-06-07T07:55:00.004-04:00

Man oh man. I have been listening to some great tunes recently and WOW does it feel great. A good friend of mine brought a bunch of songs and it turns out we have very similar taste. So I just inherited a bunch of awesome new songs and it makes me all giddy.

You see music has the ability to move you to bliss. Actually, now that I think about it, most art will do that. One day I was at the hospital for a lumbar puncture and some other chemo (which they inject in your buttcheek, bastards). Lumbar Punctures are pretty intense because, I mean, theres a giant fucking needle in your spine. Luckily the procedure was executed well - I've had a bad one but lets not talk about it - and you are asked to lie on your back for 20 mins to avoid a massive headache among other things. So I had my mp3 player, popped on a song called "I am free" by a local artist Prosad who does a type of indian-trance fusion (it makes a really cool combo) and these waves of bliss rolled over me. Heres a link to the song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S42LGG3Eq44 I had just survived a pretty dangerous procedure and "I was freeeee."

Music put me in touch with that godliness within each of us. I tasted pure bliss through sound waves. The vibrations resonated with my soul and it creates such a powerful experience. Another song that has invoked this feeling of godliness is a song by Arvo Pert called Summa. It might resonate more with me because I have had many lives as a christian and many lives in the Middle Ages. Here's a link: http://www.filefront.com/16675531/02%20Track%202%201.m4a (note: the version I wanted wasn't available online so I uploaded my own, its a safe d/l)

I guess what i'm trying to say is; during treatments you might feel depressed, overwhelmed, sad, apathetic, etc. Music can pull you out. Put your favorite songs on and feel gooooood! bob your head, swing your arms, full out dance if you have the energy. Do this and your soul will rejoice and you will feel and witness the healing effects.

I leave you all with one more song. It was funny, I randomly turned on the radio and switched to the french CBC because they usually have nice songs in the afternoon. So this great song comes on, I am wowwed by how much I like it and then I panic because it is in french! I strain my ears trying to hear some damn recognizable words, something, anything so I can find the name of this song! I keep panicking because it's not working, shes talking too fast, so I call up my dad who is french canadian and in a rush tell him to turn on the radio and tell me some lyrics fast! By the time he gets to the station the song ends. Anyway he directs me to the "recently played" section of their website and after some confusion, I found my baby. Funny thing is the song is called "Je Veux" and I had typed "Je Ve" when I was trying to hear the words hahaha.

Check it out, I want to marry this girl. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-5fcFEohLA
(I have a soft spot for the kazoo)

In summary keep on rockin!

What do they think I am? A chiwawa?

2010-06-06T12:34:00.002-04:00

I'm sorry but I just gotta complain about the food again. I can't help it. I don't know how the food is at other hospitals but at Princess Margaret 80% of the time they might as well bring me dog food.

You know what's really fuckin hard to screw up? A grilled cheese. They just brought me one. Shit bread, shit processed cheese, not even melted anymore, and ONE little packet of ketchup. Guess what, I ate it. Most patients have to eat it or they'd starve. I on the other hand have huge food support. People bring me home cooked meals just so I CAN STAY ALIVE.

Honestly, these poor cancer patients are fighting for their lives and they need food, they need carbs, protiens, nutrients to cope with the powerful and draining drugs. What do they get? Miserable little microwave dinners. I went through a dry spell with my home-cooked food and I was constantly HUNGRY. Not only is the food miserable, its enough to feed a small animal. No you know what, they like to eat a lot too.

Oh and another thing, when I was first going through chemotherapy I was really sick. It hit me really really hard. I threw up a lot. One day my dinner was brought in. I, not knowing what perils awaited, opened up the tray to reveal a wobbily, greasy, slimy, mold of some sort of meat???? I dont fucking know what it was but I instantly threw up. Thanks kitchen crew! And every now and then the image of that meat blob would invade my mind's eye and instantly trigger vomit!

Cut backs they say. What shit. Heres a solution. You have a doctor who misdiagnosis someone. He or she screws up. A percentage of their bonus is taken and donated to the god damn hospital kitchen! I donno I am not a god damn administrator but something needs to be done.

Imagine with me a place where they bring you food that supports you during your treatment. A place where chefs take pride in their work, and noble work it would be. Real food to support the body in healing and repairing. This is a happy fantasy...

Doctors: Indeed, they are only human.

2010-06-05T06:18:00.006-04:00

As you may know I have been under the influence of a mysterious fever ever since I took a daypass for Victoria Day. Fever is usually quite a serious thing because it indicates that there is an invader in your body and of course, for leukemia patients in treatment, we can't do anything about it (or can we? more on this later). It cracks me up as I see doctors throw everything they got, everything they think should work, at this fever to no avail.

To me this fever is beyond them. It was really funny actually the entire Infectious Disease team came to visit me. Obviously baffled they ask is there ANYTHING you can tell us, any pain?? any differences of sensation? Anything?! I had to be honest, I feel fine, and in my heart I know I will be fine. This fever is not my enemy, infact it is probably helping to educate my body on feverism, because when you do have an immune system the healthiest way to react to cold or flue is to light up like a fire and burn the bad stuff away.

Something greater is at work. But a doctor could never understand that. They are stuck in the scientific world, they invested many years of their life and money into it, so they will continue to scan, sample, grow culture, and blindly hurl their bombs of biotic destruction. They're probably destroying a lot of good bacteria along the way, but i'll allow this blundering for now. Let me tell you though. If any of these antibiotics or antifungals or antivirals brings any sort of negative effect to me I will demand it removed. Ultimately I am in charge of what goes into MY body. They cannot refuse me and if they can through some bullshit I may have accidently signed I will pop and drain any bag they put up of the stuff.

It is important to note I am not telling you to go against your doctor. Most of the time they do an excellent job and they should be trusted. If your doctor isn't the trustable type, or bothers you in some way you have the right to request another. The bond between patient and doctor is so important. I love my doctor, he is incredibly brilliant but he also takes the time to text.

It's funny throughout this whole thing there has been one very vivid image in my head that accurately represents this situation. It is a scene from Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings where they encounter the legendary monster the Balrog. Gandalf explains to the fellowship that "SWORDS ARE NO MORE USE HERE!"

Indeed, dear doctors, this creature of heat is beyond your petty little medicines! Fly you fools!
Now that I think of it the Balrog could be seen as Gandalf's crises, his trial, his leukemia. And how he tackles that challenge! Best part is he comes out with shiny new robes and the greatest power to be attained in his order. He is my hero!

Make Cancer Your Ally

2010-06-03T11:10:00.003-04:00

I have had the most amazing day so far and it's only 11am. I awoke after a good night's sleep to find out my fever, which I have had since Victoria Day had broken. The doctors kept trying to find what kind of bacteria was causing it and they tried one anti-biotic combo after another to no avail. Then today it just cleared up. That leads me to my next piece of news which makes me soul glow with glee.

The doctor just told me that my white count is starting to come back and it is coming back perfectly which puts any chance of relapse while inpatient at 2-5%! FUCK YES. See, when I first came here I met with a young guy, twenty years old, his mom wanted me to share my experience. And upon entering his room I saw the same sad sight I usually see. No hope, no life, no optimism, no anger, no nothing. His face was empty and drawn. I would walk by his room and he would be on his bed with the tv right in his face.

This is the case with probably 80% of patients? I mean for someone in their 80s, OK, but when you are young, when your body is at its most resilient, when it can take the most, when you probably dont have any other health complications, you have a fighting chance! Heck, the best fighting chance.

Anyway, in his state, he went through a round of chemotherapy, one month of the nasty treatment and guess what, he relapsed. It makes me so sad. He has to go through it again and who know what the result will be unless he changes his attitude towards this. And me hearing that this young guy relapsed right away put a thought of lingering fear in the back of my mind. So to get that news today was AHHHHHHHH yea.

That being said I am going to find his mom and have a long chat with her. That kid needs a lake to yell at, bad.

You see, it has become clear to me, that if you treat cancer not as this monster that is trying to end you, but rather as a powerful force that brings before you a question: "Are you ready to become who you are meant to be?" Unfortunately cancer has to be accompanied by very difficult treatments, but that could change in the near future, and it is the danger, the fear it brings that are essential to the very growth one needs to experience.

I have an allegorical vision of my leukemia as a woman in a snake-skin dress with a big smile and incredible wisdom behind green eyes. Will you make battle with her or will you join her in the dance and shed your built-up layers of snake skin to reveal the true you.

LETS DANCE

Arg, unhealthy "niceness"

2010-06-01T04:13:00.002-04:00

I got moved to a shared room. My roomie is an old man with the sweetest kinda sadest energy about him. Anyway we were about to sleep and I told him my sleep is all over the place at hospital and I usually need a light to read at night when I can't sleep. Right away of course he says "Oh yea no problem, I am more worried about keeping you up with my snoring".

So of course I go to sleep, wake up at 3am fully awake no chance in hell of falling back to sleep. So I flick on my light, which admittedly is no bed-side thing, but leaves his side of the room fairly dark. Im happily reading away about homeopathy and a nurse walks in and says I gotta turn off the light. I tell her I asked permission and everything. She says "he wont say no".

It dawns on me that this is true and I hit the lights. "he wont say no", "no" a word with power, with deserving, with value for oneself. He cant say no. Maybe it would make him look like an ass, maybe I would think less of him, maybe I would I donno get totally enraged and throw a brick....honestly.

I have found this inability to say NO to be intrinsically linked with most cancer patients, at least ones dealing with Leukemia. Especially, and sadly, even myself. There is this unhealthy want to please everyone and really take nothing for ourselves. We feel we dont deserve it, on some level, and this sense of undeserving, this INABILITY to believe that yes we do deserve to be true to ourselves is guarenteed to be part of the inbalance that becomes disease in a body.

I am getting much better at it these days and I am surprising myself with things that, yes, may hurt some people, but need to be done for my own health and growth. A lot of the time the people are abusing those who can't say no aren't even aware of it!

The way to heal this, for all pushovers and "supernice" people is to KNOW that you are godliness. You are divinity. You are soul, the energy of the universe, you are glorious. You are infinitely powerful and you deserve everything and anything. Look inside and feel that undeserving, feel it to its utmost, realise the illusion that it is, and tell yourself "I deserve". Repeat it until you believe it, in its entirety.

I used to have trouble breathing through my nose all my childhood. My mom learned of this deserving thing, I started to believe it, my stuffy nose, that had become part of my identity, cleared up entirely without use of any type of medical aide. I didn't think that I deserved to breathe, thats how bad I was.

In addition to deserving, you need to get angry. This is a biggy also for leuk patients. I am working on this also, but anger, if used properly and in the right energy, is one of the powerful and direct forms of expressing your worth. I need to look into anger more and its kinda 4:41 am and my eyes are bugging out.

SO I will leave it at this. Find the power to say no, find the power to grow, and as you become a fuller and emotionally-healthier being there will be less and less room for disease.

Fin.

LOL nurses

2010-05-30T10:00:00.003-04:00

Unfortunately I have had the pleasure of meeting most nurses that work in the inpatient units at PMH. They are all great at what they do but I got beef with some of them. Heres a little list of beef with some of the nurses at PMH.

C: First thing that hits you about C, at least towards me, is her shit attitude. It's not real but it is a cover that has taken over her life. First thing in the morning she opens the door and gives you a really lethargic look. Then she shifts into being your mom and asks you a bunch of questions like "why are you pants here?" "what bag is this?" "why are you reading a book" all in a kind of an old, whiny kelly-from-the-office voice. Is that really how you should greet cancer patients? with disapointment and verbal bombardment? I have broken through and seen the nicer C a few times (she asked a dumb question about my mom) but man, she got bitter down pat.

C: Big woman. I don't know how she pulls off those twelve hour shifts of constant running about. But I will always remember this time she was trying to examine my mouth and she was breathing the WORST smellling breath right down my throat. It wouldn't end and I was really starting to get scared of infection. I didn't want to be rude though because she is one of the sweetest people...I should have tho. The thing though about her sweetness is it never shuts up. Even at 6 in the morning when she takes your blood work SHE WILL START MAKING CONVERSATION WITH YOU. It has given her a reputation and I do think the nurses dont schedule her with young folk anymore.

T: She is another one with an attitude problem, it's probaby put on for me, I really don't know why. She is a good nurse but she has bad habits or forgetfulness, I don't know. She will ALWAYS leave my damn door open when she leaves the room. This is a huge problem cuz it rushes in all the cold hallway air and I lose my privacy, which is important when you're peeing in a bottle. I sometimes wonder about her abilities outside of nursing. It is like nursing has taken over her brain and left little room for anything else. Some of the questions she asks...I wont get into it. She wanted me to shave my own head. I said I would do the front if she could help with the back. She said she doesn't know how. I said had she ever peeled a potatoe or painted an egg? That got her and then I find out when she gets to it shes seems professional, even busted out some scissors for the thicker parts! Whatever.

E: The last one I want to leave you with is this nurse, usually does a fine job, kind of old and worn out, maybe cranky sometimes, but always proud of her nursing ability. One day she was doing my 6am bloodwork. That involves a series of undoing clamps rerouting flow and filling testtubes etc. She set the tubes up but no blood was coming out. Remember this is 6am here I am an unhappy zombie at 6am. So she right away thinks its something wrong with me and starts telling me to move my arms up, cough 3 times, sit up, bend over, all of this being so LAME at this hour. Still, nothing came. She was a little stumped. So in a daze I slapped my hand down on the first clamp on my line and low-and-behold it was still locked. I undid it and the blood started flowing and then she says "There, got it" I just smiled inside. Didnt fall back asleep though :(

Fuck You Cancer

2010-05-28T08:03:00.003-04:00

This comes from a dark place inside me but nonetheless should be expressed.

They have told me that my journey with cancer is one of spiritual growth and process. Ultimately to learn from my experiences and then help others? the world? Fuck the world. Sure, maybe I will become enlightenened and go around like the dalai lama sounding like a broken record on compassion and love, while everyone else in the world lives their normal lives, with normal worries, and normal problems.

The world can save itself. I want a nice little family, a nice home, a fucking car in the driveway and a cottage for getaways. I dont want to constantly be worrying about some little fucking explosion of dumbass cells invading my body and mucking up everything. What kind of dice did I fucking roll.

They say our souls choose what is to happen in our time here for greatest soul-growth. Boy, did I sign up for the wrong fucking course. A course where you are given this awesome physical body and you get to have it raped again and again by drugs so that you end up old, bald, and withered - but still smiling! And they tell us to "trust" in the process....might as well trust a pedophile with your kid. Trust is earned. I trusted the process and then the rug got pulled out from under me. Two times. Maybe I shouldn't trust you afterall, you bitch.

All in all, fuck enlightenment, fuck godliness, and fuck the process. Is it really growth if you're pretty much acting out of survival fear? "If i dont do this, or act like this, or behave like this YOU DIE" sounds like a pretty shitty ass deal to me. God fucking damnit I really need to break something. I better hurry before I fucking relapse again and again and again and die choking on chemo.

-------------------------------------

p.s. So writing that was really hard to do and I feel horrible inside right now. The truth is it is those beliefs that have made me so resilient and optimistic in the face of this disease. And the Dalai Lama is my hero.

The weather gets hot and so do I...

2010-05-26T22:18:00.004-04:00

Went out on a day pass to spend Victoria day with the family. Overall it was pretty awesome even though at that point I was still bloated beyond belief. Eating good and hearty BBQ meats when you're that backed up really didn't work and I spent much of the evening just lying on a bed farting. No but really it was a lot of fun. I was really exhausted by the end of it all though, and I am fairly sure that is where I may have picked up a little bug.

When you're immune system is erased by chemotherapy, as in my case, it is very risky to catch something as it can run rampant in your system uncontrolled dealing lots of even permanent damage. To say the least it felt good to be back in the safe-haven of the hospital. The next day I did indeed have a fever and the medical mans went to work. Probably the most annoying side-effect of a fever too is the HUGE fatigue. You really feel entirely drained, like to the point where standing is the biggest challenge in the world.

But HEY WAIT, I forgot to mention that that morning my bowels did indeed finally open the gates and so much glory was had. Choirs of angels sang in my head as I released what was probably a football field length of backup sewage.

Apart from that though, mostly a pretty mundane day. I bugged a nurse and she offered to wheelchair me over to the indigo in the nextdoor hospital. What a cutie.

Wow, what crazy days...

2010-05-23T20:46:00.004-04:00

Yesterday around 10pm my neighbour in the room just next to mine passed away. I guess it is to be expected in a cancer hospital that eventually patients will succumb to the disease or more likely first to the "treatment". There were a lot of people here; friends, relatives, direct family...all kind of quietly waiting for this man, who had turned for the worse, to finally take his leave of this world.

I don't really know why but I found it interesting that only once the news actually got out that he had stopped breathing did people finally react. Now people screamed, now people moaned, now people could freely grieve. It was all quite surreal and bizarre. It did bring back feelings of my own mom's passing but they were brief. I guess people try to be polite and hope for the best until the very end. I donno though, it all seemed really awkward as everyone just kind of lingered...waited...

A kindly nurse came in to make sure I was doing ok with all the grieving going on around me. I openly access my grief when it calls to me so I am quite ok with the powerful emotion. It is still quite shocking on your soul, you kind of want to just safely calm and pet your soul and make sure its not about to leave on you too! I had a much more intense experience like this when someone 2 doors down was having a cardiac arrest...nurses were yelling, people running, slight panic in the air trying to be restrained by professionalism. Over the loud speaker "CODE BLUE FLOOR 14 SECTION A ROOM 114. I could feel my soul jumping around in my body...had to calm it for sure...shit was tense!

Anyway, the night eventually quieted down, so I went to sleep and sent that man's soul good vibes on his future journeys.

The next day was one of comedy, really. All the guests had cleared up from the previous night and I got my chairs back in my room (had to loan them out to campers, you know). I am at 10 days post treatment and I have barely had a bowel movement the entire time. It was starting to really nag at me so I told the nurse to stop pussyfooting around with stool-softners and give me the big guns...But before they could they had to work their way up through a few more shitty laxatives. They say shit like drink lots of water and walk a lot....I decided to have a dance party in my room to get my intestines in the mood to MOVE...that was a lot of fun, i probably looked like a complete idiot bouncing around my room trying to get my gut to loosen up but I had a lot of fun.

I had a bunch of visitors over too and I was really looking forward to having some awesome movie-esque shitfest with a bunch of relatives over or something...a good story for later in life BUT NO...I STILL HAVNT HAD A BM. They hitting me with the big guns now....hopefully this shit does something cuz seriously...i feel like an african baby with a huge stomach and its really ruining my mood.

Nuff for now
-Nic

You are a Chimaera he says...An update from my journey with dis-ease.

2010-05-18T11:15:00.002-04:00

Key Terms:
AML - Acute Myeloid Leukemia, cancer of HB

ALL - Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia, cancer of LKC

Leukocytes (LKC) - white blood cells, part of the immune system.

Neutrophiles (NeutA) - First line of defense in the blood, similar to white blood cells

Hemoglobin (HB) - Red blood cells, carry oxygen

Stem Cells - produce blood cells in bone marrow

BMT - Bone Marrow Transplant

Graft vs Host (GVH) - donor cells or organ not getting along with the host body.

Cyclosporin - A transplant drug used to suppress the immune system and to prevent graft vs host.

I guess you could say I have what appears to be a very aggressive cancer. A horrible flu in Oct 2008 triggered the cancer of my hemoglobin (known as AML). It pretty much just replaces your oxygen-carrying healthy cells with dumbass cells that flood the system and don't know what to do so you feel really god damn tired. This was the dominant cancer but interestingly enough I showed signs of a second cancer, ALL, indicated by a higher white count than normal. They treated me for AML because that was the bigger threat and that was that.

Then, 6 months later, in July, we had ALL take the spotlight. Dealing with news of a relapse is probably the worst thing you can experience in this life. They put me on a 2 year standard protocol (wtf, right?) for ALL then decided to cut that short and just put me into a Bone Marrow Transplant. The most intense chemos were used, full body radiation, and no young nurses on that ward. It all went really smoothly for me which was nice and I got out of that mess in 3 weeks.

The hardest part of the BMT is the following year. You deal with immense fatigue as your new donated immune system is like "WTF? where am I" and then starts attacking what appears to it as "foreign" organs and cells. This is called GVH and the amount of GVH varies from person to person. Me and my bro were a very good match so I barely had any. Now here is where I get angry. I did finally start getting some GVH of the liver - that is, David's cells were attacking my liver and causing a little inflammation. They shut down my brand new cancer-fighting immune system by increasing the cyclosporin dosage by a huge amount.

Just a quick note on doctors here: My overseeing leukemia doctor is Dr. Minden. You will not find a better doctor and he is the nicest guy. He is head of Leukemia at PMH, a UofT professor, a surgeon, among many other things and he responds to text messages! I got taken away from Minden and transferred to the BMT team - what a bunch of clowns. No I'm kidding they have some really good doctors I just never really met any of them. On my visits I usually got to see nurse practitioners and young less-experienced doctors. When I first got the rundown of their team they described it as my health being under the care of a "collective mind" as if their team worked together on everything. I never once got that feeling. It seemed that my case, my health, my life was at the whim of one maybe two not so experienced people.

Five months post transplant cancer cells reappear. I see the bloodcounts before the doctor gets to my room and I am a huge wreck when he enters. I told him how miserable and absurd their system is and that they overreacted to a little liver problem. The kind doctor tells me some shit about GVH but I'm too destroyed to even listen. He ends by saying, "it doesnt look good". What a douche. I kicked a stool into the wall and crushed a styrofoam cup in a fit of rage. (Ok yea Im new to teh whole anger thing ok?)

Couple days go by and I'm like the emo anakin from episode three. Eyes bloodshot, nothing but rage as I look around at all the healthy people around me. I think I really scared the crap out of my sister which makes me so sad. I was in the pits of despair and part of me liked it. My dad and step mom could feel the heat pulsing off of me. They took me to scream at a lake - that helped.

I said things like "I would rather die in my sleep now from the cancer than choke on chemo for the rest of my days". My faith, my beliefs were all crushed I felt a victim of the random cruelty of nature. Worst of all I thought they were just going to put me right back on that 2 year protocol for ALL. 2 years of chemo, can you believe that?

Then it happened. I got taken back to Doctor Minden's care. A nurse told me today that he NEVER gives up on the young ones. All was right in the world. I came into the hospital, my room already prepared, and I waited for the meeting. Friendly faces from the past stop by to say hi but im still angry faced. Minden walks in and the first thing he asks is do I know what a Chimera is? "It's a 2-headed dragon" I say and he says "yes, that is what you are right now". I have my immune system, I have my brothers immune system, and he then tells me that of course the most likely cause for this relapse was indeed the high dose of cyclosporin the BMT had me on.

Dr. Minden has personally designed a chemo cocktail custom tailored to my needs. It will treat both AML and ALL and not involve steroids (yessssss). The goal right now is just to get me back into remission, which hasnt been a problem, and then to work closely with me and my cells to see what exactly is going on. The goal after remission will be to actually trigger and make use of my double-headed immune system to defend my body against cancer! no chemo, no immuno-suppressants, no bullshit backwards approaches. This may possibly also involve recieving some donated leukocytes from dave.

This is what I have always wanted, so I was very happy to hear this plan, and it allowed me to switch gears from that miserable nick to the optimistic nick. I believe I got to already see my immune system in action. I underwent a huge emotional boost in the support from friends which in turn triggered a massive and fast moving immune response in my body. It manifested as a very intense but brief fever where I could almost hear the cancer cells exploding haha. Sure enough the next day when I looked at the blood counts, the blasts were no where near as high as they should have been. I am still in awe when I think about it. One of my favorite books states that, “All of us have cancer cells in our body but only some of us will develop cancer”.

This really wouldn't be a proper nick writing without some cooky spiritual stuff to add in. It is said that we choose our life challenges before we are born. We choose them because we are ready to deal with them on a soul-level. With that approach this health crises or catastrophy really becomes more of a noble endeavor. All the odds are against me, my cancer is aggressive, I seem to be pretty fucked, yet I feel really good about all of it, especially this new fight. I could die from the chemo they give me tomorrow but truthfully thats not what it feels like. It feels like I am here to beat this. It feels like this will be a final round and it feels like it's time to see what this Chimera can do.

Still here...and not going anywhere!

2010-01-06T18:48:00.002-05:00

I want to apologize for not writing in a long time. I am still here, just busy! Underwent a bonemarrow transplant - just got discharged on saturday. It went really well and I have a great feeling about 2010!

Events of late...

2009-09-17T17:23:00.002-04:00

I suppose I am still new to the whole cancer-patient lifestyle but there is one thing that is standing out to me more and more these days and that is how absolutely BORING it can be. I feel that I am being asked now to finally face my boredom. Boredom sprouts from inactivity. Before I was diagnosed I was a boring person. I played computer games for the majority of my life. No wonder I had this wake up call, eh?

But now that I am struggling for my own livelihood it feels like I have to prove to myself why I deserve to live. Perhaps this is the wrong attitude to take but it is dominant right now. Why should my life be spared? I could just go back to my life on the computer but I have a feeling that life would not approve.

So I have ventured off into lands of music, art, cooking, web design, etc in hopes that something will really catch my interest and so far nothing really has. Now, I have been told I push myself too hard sometimes, and maybe I am forcing it a little, but hey...it feels like my very existance is being challenged here! If i don't find a good reason to keep living I will just pass away! It sounds silly as I write it out but I wonder if other patients feel this way.

Passion I feel binds us to the world. Taking an interest in everthing, as some people naturally do, connects you to this playground we call life. I don't really share this interest in everything, I dont know why and it kind of makes me sad. That was one of my problems at university; I couldn't find anything I was really interested in except for medieval history which is still too boring a career for me I think.

I have been doing pretty well at finding little things here and there though. Little ignitions are happening and I have hope. I think I will find something and soon hopefully, the search just continues...more on this later...

On Death

2009-08-23T11:05:00.001-04:00

Life is a funny thing. I find that it likes to slap us around a little. I suppose that is what we get for taking it too seriously sometimes. Last Friday I was going in to the hospital to find out if my leukemia was in remission or not. Always a fun day. Physically I had felt pretty good for the previous week and I went into the hospital thinking everything was going to be fine.

After enduring the hospital waiting game, which at times can be worse than any disease, I got called in. I have become quite familiar with the printouts of my blood counts. After they take blood they are able to analyze it and determine the exact levels of your hemoglobin, leukocytes, platelets, neutrophils and all the other components of your blood. Being eager as I was to find out how my counts were doing I looked at the sheet. Shit. Hemoglobin was lower than before. My first leukemia, AML, was the type that dropped your hemoglobin (red blood cells). The other counts looked good but my red blood cells, oh no!

The human brain jumps to the worst possible scenarios: “Oh god, AML is back, I am fucked.” and “This cancer is too aggressive, I will be dead in a year...” At the same time though, there was a strong feeling of calm or acceptance. I was afraid of death and I really didn't want to die when I was going through AML (Acute Myeloid Leukemia) back in January. I pulled through that though and felt like I was given a second chance at life and I rebuilt my body with care and hard work JUST to find out that cancer was back again. I went through something big though. You see, when the same leukemia returns within a short period of time, it is very aggressive and wants you dead. In my grief and sadness I became comfortable with the idea of death. Then I found out it was a different cancer, a childhood form of cancer (ALL), that has an extremely high remission rate.

I like to believe that life, or the universe, or whatever god you might believe in, they all bring us things we need to grow. In my mind, we come as souls to this planet to learn and ultimately evolve. My mom used to refer to earth as a boarding school for souls. You come here to learn and leave when you are done or if you lose your way. And I find comfort in the belief that souls can return to this world as many times as it takes to achieve the learning. But I'm digressing...

Back to the hospital room – sitting there waiting for the doctor with these fearful thoughts running through my head and a little sadness around the idea of dying. Sadness yes, but not fear. I don't like the idea of leaving so many good, amazing, and loving friends and family behind. Sure my troubles will be over when I die but what about everyone else? I went through hell when my mom died, it sucked! So a few minutes go by like this and then my doctor passes by and peeks at my blood counts as he's going to another appointment. I laugh a nervous kind of “I'm fucked” laugh as he pauses. He then says “looks good” and moves on.

Waves of relief rush over me. All that worry, all those fearful thoughts of AML returning, having to go through the intense chemotherapy again and forever, doctors giving up because my disease is too aggressive, so many fearful thoughts all washed away. Ahh, I did it again. I fell into the trap. I forgot to trust!

You see, as I said, life likes to slap us around a little. Where there is potential for fear, one will usually experience it on very intense levels before it has even happened! Then, when it does happen, it is never as bad as you would have thought. In fact it is usually the opposite and you walk away from the experience with new insight or even joy. This is why it is so important to try and keep your mind in the present moment. I won't go into all the reasons why, Eckhart Tolle writes volumes on it. Keeping your mind in the present helps you avoid so much anxiety, so much negative thinking. It helps you overcome fear.

Along with “being in the now” it is also important to take a non-judgmental attitude towards everything that happens. Try not to view things as bad or good. They are what they are. The “best” things in life can often lead to being considered the most disastrous and at the same time the most “horrible” things in life can become the most beautiful.*

Only 40% of A.L.L. patients survive passed 5 years. And A.L.L. has the highest rate out of all the blood cancers. It is quite possible that I will die in the next few years. Although death does not scare me anymore (it is the big unknown but everyone has to face it some time in their life) I do feel a great deal of grief around possibly leaving so early. In my belief, souls leave when they have learned what they need to learn from that lifetime, or if they have become too caught up in the illusion of life. A soul, especially a soul that has seen many lifetimes, that sets out what it wants to learn and then gets too distracted or scared to accomplish that goal while in a human body, will most likely leave and start again in another form. They are here for the human experience!

What we must always remember, what I must always remember, is that we are always safe. There is really nothing to be afraid of and all spiritual masters know this. Death to me is so unknown. Perhaps we are just purely biological, bunches of moving matter with big brains that one day will cease to move and breathe; lights out, finished. But that is a boring perspective. I prefer the view that in death we transform to our purest, highest evolved self, the soul – the light – the love, and that we return to our source of such warmth and joy as never experienced in a human body. There we can remain or we can choose again to re-enter the playground that is life and incarnate into a beautiful baby. Millions of souls always coming and going, always interacting with one another, bringing each other the experiences we need to grow, to learn, to love. This perspective feels right to me.

When someone dies, especially a loved one, I think it is important to feel the sadness that they are gone, but to also rejoice in their leaving. I wish this for my friends and family. I plan on living many long years. Plans have a habit of going wrong though and if I leave, I want to look back at this world, at my friends and loved ones and see that they are happy for me and anyone else that dies.

On a less morbid note I encourage everyone to always face their fears. Fear is a powerful force that can work against you and possibly leave you crippled but like everything else it is only there to help. Charge headlong into your fear and it will evaporate and leave you feeling so much better and more powerful than before. You will find new passion, ambition and joy for life and in return get a richer and fuller experience. Trust in life. We are always safe!

*I should be clear here that this doesn't mean deny happiness and joy in your life nor sadness. Feel those things as they come. Emotion is, after all, a huge part of the human experience, hehe.

A shifting

2009-08-09T09:24:00.004-04:00

I feel like a different person. I was at home yesterday just re-experiencing the little things that made day to day life go by over there, and although my muscles were weaker and easier to tire, I felt lighter and happier than I have been in a long time. Now, of course, being home again after three weeks would have this effect on anyone who loves their home, but this was more.

Ever since I started this second adventure with cancer - although it's more like an adventure with chemo - I have found a new level of present-moment awareness that I never felt before. And with that awareness has come such amazing joy and beauty every day. There will always be, and there was, struggle. Struggle is essential to see the beauty. I experienced some of the greatest pain from a "regular" chemotheraphy side effect in young males (yes, it involved my balls), and although it was temporary, as most physical pain is, it really help you appreciate even more the things we take for granted in our lives - like sitting down!

Before I move on I should mention that pain is one of the biggest anti-moment initiators in life. You want to be as far away from the pain as possible. I struggled a little with this, because my mind wanted to constantly jump to the future but then questions would come up like "How long will I have to endure this?!" "Will I need surgury?" "My balls are going to be cut off!" and that just wasnt needed. What I did instead was focus on a happy place to please my mind and ask for morphine when I needed to move, haha.

Returning now though to life, being in this constant state of now (Eckhart Tolle would approve) has really shown doorways into bliss. Yesterday at home I was standing in light rain, waiting for my family, staring down a street at people coming and going, leaves swaying gently in the grey sky, the warm light radiating from all the little shops, it was all just so perfect. I have seen so many of these moments now, since coming to the hospital and practicing living in the moment.

The best thing is, this practice, these events, have an effect on your soul. I felt filled with warmth and happiness just from staring down a street! And you can't do nothing else except take that happiness with you and re-express it to everyone you interact with. It is a force that flows from anything to everything and in my mind proof of the oneness of life.

I remember coming back to the hospital from a home visit last time was one of the hardest things to do. It felt like my soul was being ripped out of my body - I just wanted to stay at home and forget all this silly cancer business and treatments, lame food, nurses waking you up at six in the morning to take blood, etc. This time around I had no such feelings only a serene trust that it was all unfolding perfectly as it should. It really is too, I give so much thanks to this second round of cancer, I think I am learning a lot and I can feel the change so much already.

The Constant

2009-07-30T19:24:00.002-04:00

The day was soon after I had just found out I had cancer again. I was so sad. So depressed. I have never been an angry person but try as I might I would feebly try to piece together WHY ME- why was this happening AGAIN. I was soaking in a bath, wallowing in my misery, tears and sobs of such sadness. I stepped out of the bath finally and met myself in the bathroom mirror. I observed myself, took in my young body, my skin, my muscles, veins, water droplets, enlarged lymph nodes (due to the cancer), all of it.

I was brought to my face. Ah the face, the centre of the utmost intense emotional expression. My poor face was so sad; so distraught and stressed under the pressures of all the crying.

Then suddenly my focus was brought to my eyes. My eyes. Two shining beacons of constant light. At least that's what they seemed to be in contrast to the rest of my face. The eyes were beyond my face, and they shone with a warmth from beyond this world. It was amazing. It made me smile. It made me laugh.

This was a turning point for me...

Crushed

2009-07-22T14:10:00.000-04:00

A piece of writing I did a month or so ago before the Leukemia fell back on my lap:

It feels as if I am being crushed...but then it is gone. There is a giant body of fear lingering, hovering, waiting above me, waiting for the right moments to apply pressure. It comes and goes but I feel as if its ultimate purpose here is to stamp out my existence here on this earth. It would have me believe this, but I know better.

The human body is a conduit of expression for the soul. The soul is here, on this earth, to grow through experiences found only through the human body. The soul will incarnate into a body and experience what is required in that lifetime in order for growth. It will return, many lifetimes, until it has accomplished what it has set out to do. So many souls, all interacting, all weaving together – bringing each other the experiences required for evolution on the level of the spirit.

Human beings, you and I, come from a purity so powerful, so brilliant and so warm it can only be the stuff of love. I see this purity in everyone around me and it makes me smile. Mothers, sons, lovers, leaders, and even criminals – they are all perfect – souls just experiencing what life has to offer for them and then moving on.

It is only in the human body that we can experience loss, anger, sadness, fear, and all the physical manifestations (illness and disease) that a soul desires to experience for growth. At the same time though it is here that we can express and experience joy, lust, awe, inspiration and love. We are such powerful creators – we create and bring to us these experiences as we need them and only when we are ready for them.

...to be continued?

What was and is...

2009-07-21T07:27:00.000-04:00

Whenever I talk to nurses or other cancer patients here at PMH I often joke about how I am sampling all the different types of blood cancers. I am somewhat of an anomaly in the world of leukemia. Back in January I had a type of cancer called Acute Myeloid Leukemia. It was the type that seemed to mainly thwart the red blood cells in your blood depriving your body of oxygen. The new disease I have now is Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia and it is more commonly found in children. From what I understand it is the explosive growth of underdeveloped white blood cells which eventually overrun your other healthy cells in the blood.

The reason I am considered rare is because usually the same kind of cancer will return, being called a relapse, and if it comes back fast you are usually pretty fucked. But just for me I got a new cancer and nobody is really quite sure what to make of it. Tests are being done and it may be the same disease in new clothing or a new disease caused by the chemo from the AML, but whatever the reason - its rare.

The treatments so far, like the two diseases, have been quite different. Of course they are both treated with chemotherapy but chemo itself has many different types and combinations. For AML everything seemed so much more intense. I entered the hospital barely able to walk, the chemo they gave me made me so sick for days on end, and I wasted away sixty lbs of body mass. FUN STUFF!

With the new cancer (ALL) things seem to be much more mellow. I felt fine when I was diagnosed - physically that is, emotionally I was a huge wreck. Only difference was a swelling of the lymph nodes and some stomach pain. So it seems that in accordance with this, the treatment also seems to be less drastic. The chemo has had little effect on me so far in terms of nausia and my strength is keeping much better.

The reason I am really writing about this is because I wanted to mention an interesting observation I have come across. We have this fun little animal card deck at home and I have drawn cards from it - not intentionally to seek out wisdom or anything but just because they were lying around. During AML I pulled the lion card and images and representations of the lion kept coming to me. The lion in most cases represents mainly strength sometimes in combination with healing. If any sort of attributes were required for AML strengh is indeed the best one to have. The extremely intense treatment requires one to be equally intense and strong.

After a poker night with the guys we all pulled some cards for shits and giggles and I got the snake. Now, with ALL, I cant stop thinking about the snake. This animal is coming to me in images and really resting on my thoughts. It is the snake. I have always had an inherent fear of snakes. Snakes are really perfect for this though because they represent transformation, rebirth, and healing (as well as sexuality). There are stories about snake poison being manipulated to form powerful healing medicines and there really is no better way to capture the essence of chemotherapy.

Any experience like this one, any experience of crises, has immense potential for transformation and growth. What we are sometimes requried to do is just to surrender to the horror, the fear, the poison and let it serve its purpose to ultimately lead to a renewed and cleansed self.

Presence of Mind

2009-07-19T11:47:00.000-04:00

People generally don't like crises. I have to say though, once you're in the thick of it, you can become incredibly grateful for the experience. For one, NOTHING brings people together like crises, haha. Aside from seeing all your friends and family again and having some good times with them there is much more. I have learned a great deal ever since I got leukemia. It will take me many months to write out everything I have learned but I thought I would just mention one extremely powerful technique to help cope with crises.

I read Eckhart Tolle way back before he was Oprahnized and his book The Power of Now really saved me from being so sad and depressed during my months of recovery and chemotherapy. The central teaching of his book is on keeping your attention focused entirely on the present and achieving peace of mind, or rather, silence of mind, to ultimately enter an enlightened state of being.

Last time I had leukemia I was looking at 3 months of recovery and then some more months of recovery. Now with my new form of Leukemia I got 2 to 3 years ahead of me for treatment. FUCK, EH? Just thinking about it for a second makes me so angry; I can't work, can't attend school, bars, theatres, none of that for 2 to 3 years.

But then I bring my attention to the present. I am sitting in a hospital room, listening to some good music, enjoying the view from my room and writing about what I love. Suddenly a peace overcomes me and this is the way you have to keep going. Honestly it eats away at your soul if you keep your attention elsewhere and only hinders your recovery.

So that is my lesson for today: keep your mind in the present as much as you can. It helps so much in times of crises and also just every-day life. If you want to learn a lot more about this technique and all the othe benefits it has as well as the meditations included to achieving it, read Tolle's book!

Finding Joy

2009-07-18T14:39:00.000-04:00

So! I have been readmitted to Princess Margaret hospital in Toronto. I believe it is one of the best cancer treatment centres in the world and I feel very fortunate to be here. They were not able to get me into the same ward I was in last time, which is a shame because I had made friends there with the staff, but I look forward to new opportunities to make nice with new people.

I had my Hickman line put in yesterday. It is a simple surgury that involves sticking a tube in my chest that runs to my Vena Cava (the big vein that leads to your heart) so they can easily administer all the wonderful antibiotics and chemotherapies required. Yuck. I was hit pretty hard after the surgury and broke down in tears not because of the physical ache in my chest but because it felt like such a step backwards.

You see, ever since I finished with my last chemo round back at the start of the year I have been rebuilding my body. I was in the best shape of my life and they even took out my hickman line early. Then the Cancer returned and now, although I feel fine, they had to put the tube back in. I dislike the feeling of it very much - it is not painful just very unnatural.

What interests me a lot right now though is that I am somewhat of an anomaly now. Often, leukemia will relapse in patients but it will be the same leukemia as before. In my case it switched from Myeloid to Lymphoblastic leukemia (a less severe but still nasty childhood version). Thats enough of that for now though.

What I was really trying to get at for this post was even though everybody goes through stages of intense sadness and depression, as I have been for the past few days, there are always opportunities to find joy in a situation. From engaging in conversation with my very talkative roommate to discovering an AWESOME rooftop terrace in the hopsital where I can hang out and still feel the weather. You really are overcome with a peace and great gratitude for those moments, as long as you are open to recieving them and are able to recognize when they appear.

More to come...

Cool!

2009-07-14T12:29:00.001-04:00

A Beelog!